I may or may not also stash the house key there if I’m short of a pocket or not wearing my nifty little exercise pants with the zip on the leg. It looks great as I’m groping around in my bra trying to find the key.  Anyway I’ll own that these are not good looks which is why I’m surprised about the Secret Keeper–a little bag where you stash you stuff and then stuff it down you bra.

They do it with ease these ladies on the informercial. They just zip and stash and then dance around, run around all with no bumps. What rot. You’d have to have bumps unless you have boobs like fairy floss. And how doesn’t it fall out? Do you have a secret velcro stip attached to your boob. But I’ll grant that all that boob groping might be an attractant for some. Image

I don’t thing they are here is Australia because we’ve got those things you put over your unruly, cold sensitive, horny nipples. You can even resort to bandaids if you need, but they make you boobs look weirdly flattened. Anyway we’ve got it wrong because sticky out nipples are desirable. They advertised the fact that you are turned on though how this would go down at church on Sunday could be a bit weird.

Turned on by Jesus sticky nips for your Sunday outing. Actually that’s blastphemous. I may go to hell.

OK, well there’s a site where you can buy your sticky nips should you wish to looky sexy, excited and wow just like the lady in the orange top in the following video clip. Personally I just wanted to get her a good bra and hoist her puppies north–but who am I to judge? She’s feeling wow for goodness sakes. Image

Just can’t seem to let this royal wedding go. Well actually I can but I just can’t leave the actions of Kate Middleton’s (sorry, KateCam’s–I’m determined to make this one stick) siblings go uncommented upon.

But for all those years before, she would have been behaving like any of us. Thinking that dancing in our underwear was a wise thing. Wearing too much fake tan a fashion necessity. Going topless on a boat–well, required. The usual stuff.

As for James, well he put his hands down his boxer shorts and flashed his bum around a lot. Then he did some pseudo gay poses. And no one has ever done that before, have they?

Both James and Pippa have been offered parts on porn movies for their seemingly attractive body part antics. Strangely, I don’t see either of them taking advantage of this outstanding opportunity.

So as I see it the only thing that Pippa and James have done wrong is proven that they had shit taste in choosing their friends when they were younger. Let this be a lesson to all you children out there. You may think that posing fake gay scenarios with your friends is funny when you’re twenty, but should your sister end up marrying royalty then they will surely bite your on your overexposed bums. Image

But this I just could not resist.  A whole movie–about the courtship of William and Kate.  Judging by the trailer it’s bad. cringe-worthy bad.  So bad in fact that I predict it may be one of those cult movies.  You know, like Starship Troopers.  Ayway it’s going straight to DVD so jump on your Book Depository account and order one in time to whet your appetite for the big day next week.

So here’s the trailer.  I actually think this sums up the whole affair quite succinctly. Image

At the conclusion of the performance Mia’s mother is heard to say that “it was totally over the top”. As though it is a good thing.

Here’s a clip of Mia’s dance. Note the looks of horror on some of the other parents’ faces. Oh the hypocrisy. Image

But it steps into another territory when he starts talking about the developing breast tissue of young girls, many of whom he has fitted for a bra. Oh yuck. Poor things. I’m still getting over the old dear who fitted mine at Stewarts Department Store when I was 12. God knows I’d have boobs down to my waist so great would the emotional scarring have been if a fat, old, tape measuring wielding Santa Claus impostor had done it. Image

This is my Gen X Girl column from today’s Townsville Bulletin Savvy magazine supplement.

I wish they’d hurry up and makeover The Biggest Loser contestants. That’s the only reason I’m persisting with the show. Let’s be frank. It’s pretty boring and now cry baby Nathan has gone, I’m not anticipating too much reality TV tantrum throwing.

I love a makeover. Can’t wait to see what they do with Lara. I’m pretty confident that she’s going to come out of it looking smoking hot. Her boyfriend Leigh will too. He seems to have excellent bone structure.

They’ve been a surprise, the Westren family. I thought mum Charlene was a Judy Moran wannabe when I first clapped eyes on her. She blasted Shannen the trainer, stormed out (there’s a lot of it—storming out—going on this series), came back and morphed into Julie Rafter, always ready with an encouraging word, a kindly hug or a piece of worldly advice.

Lara’s lucky getting a mother-in-law like that. She thinks so, notice she’s calling her Mum now not Char, even though she’s not really her mother. I wonder how Lara’s real mother feels about Lara calling someone else Mum?

Char cares about her appearance too. Notice how she’s flicking the blonde curls around and occasionally, just for a bit of variety, she trots out the GHD for stick straight hair. Do you think they let her out of Camp Biggest Loser to get her roots done?

Anyway if I were Char, I’d have a bit of a word to host, Hayley Lewis about the bike pant-crop top combo they force the female contestants to wear to weigh in. No one looks good in that get up—it’s quite unforgiving. Truly, Miranda Kerr would struggle to get away with wearing it. OK, not quite true, she’d look good, but there’s no way she’d actually wear an ensemble like that on national TV. What’s wrong with a t-shirt?

And while we’re at it, why can’t the men keep their t-shirts on? I’m thinking that the producers may just want us all to be fully confronted by the contestant’s bodies in all their overweight glory. No, surely not. Image: Lara

Thank you to that wonderful newspaper The Daily Mail for showing the above online photo. Double click on it to make it bigger. Truly, it’s worth it.

 Give up? It’s the one in the middle. I. Know. How good are you feeling about yourself right now?

God, I feel good about myself. Not only because Kate Moss has cellulite (and that’s a shame love, really it is), but also that I have far too much sense to parade around on a catwalk with my big arse hanging out. Image