Well if you ever did, here is the result.  The most hideous shoe that ever was. 

Apparently it’s best accessorised with the Snuggy or the pyjama jean. Image

So here goes–my top ten list of lessons learned from The Lodge on the Solomon Islands.

1. If you are travelling with connecting flights always used the national carrier that owns the connecting flights. This proved particularly useful when the Dash 8s were grounded due to a plane crash and we were guaranteed flights off the island to Honiara. Yes, it may have been a little, tiny plane flown by a great big pilot, yes we were weighed before getting on the plane, but we did make our flight home.
2. Being slightly drunk helps one board a tiny plane.
3. Tinned whole tomatoes can be squashed up with a vodka bottle to make bloody marys.
4. It is best not to do squash tomatoes while wearing a white kaftan.
5. 30+ waterproof sunblock does work for four hours.
6. Rash shirts do provide excellent sun protection while snorkelling, fishing and kayaking therefore preventing even more sun cancers.
7. Rash shirts will never be a fashion item.
8. There is no such thing as a decent face sunblock. Body sunblocks and zinc cream cause big fat acne pimples. Proper face sunblock does not stay on in the water.  If there is such a thing as waterproof, non-pore blocking face sunblock could someone let me know or at least invent it.
9. Freckles under ones eyes look really strange (see lesson 8).
10. Buy your full duty free alcohol allowance.  You will drink it all.

I may or may not also stash the house key there if I’m short of a pocket or not wearing my nifty little exercise pants with the zip on the leg. It looks great as I’m groping around in my bra trying to find the key.  Anyway I’ll own that these are not good looks which is why I’m surprised about the Secret Keeper–a little bag where you stash you stuff and then stuff it down you bra.

They do it with ease these ladies on the informercial. They just zip and stash and then dance around, run around all with no bumps. What rot. You’d have to have bumps unless you have boobs like fairy floss. And how doesn’t it fall out? Do you have a secret velcro stip attached to your boob. But I’ll grant that all that boob groping might be an attractant for some. Image

Turns out I don’t have to worry about a boob job. I just need to get me on a plane to Thailand where I can get by boosies slapped around by a Thai slapper.

She’ll also slap your face and arse if you’re up for it.  Image

This is my from my weekly Gen X Girl column in the Townsville Bulletin’s Savvy magazine.

Have you noticed that children, especially babies, are the new black? They’re everywhere. Once upon a time celebrities used to accessorise their outfits with gigantic handbags and saucer-sized sunnies but now they just casually sling their offspring across their shoulder and away they go.

Take the newest Beckham progeny, Harper. Posh Beckham has carted that one to every fashion event since it was born two months ago. I naively assumed that was because the baby was a girl and Victoria was trying to imprint fashion on it’s brain, but I think it may have been more about saying “see this is why I was fat. I can produce my own baby so nah nah to the rest of you who take the easy way out and adopt from Zanzibar”. But maybe I’m being judgmental. Victoria went through a lot for that baby. Slipped a disc, had to wear flats for a day. Poor pet.

Anyway Harper was really taken with New York Fashion Week. It’s true, Mrs B said so. “We went to Prada yesterday and she love it. It was as if she was saying, ‘Mummy, I’m home’.” It was probably just wind.

See I’m thinking it’s not the female offspring thing that is part of it. Celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe drags her poor infant son to the opening of an envelope. There is he is, poor little Skylar (promise I did not make that up), dolled up in his Cartier blankie sitting in the front row of London Fashion Week. So who’s going to grow up with a very pronounced lisp?

Suri Cruise, Tom’s little angel, has a wardrobe worth more than the GDP of the USA. This five year old has handbags from Gucci, high heels from Prada and discreet Burberry lining in all her coats. I this OK for a child? I think not. She wears red lipstick, blush and a surly demeanour. I feel like pushing her in a sandpit, but she wouldn’t know what to do.

How about Tavi, Vogue editor Anna Wintour’s new bestie? Tavi—that sounds exotic doesn’t it—all Russian with attitude. Well the attitude’s there, but that’s probably because she’s a teenager. Yes, one the of the most influential fashion bloggers in cyberspace is a 15 year old with four years of experience on board. Yep, she started when she was 11.

It’s not only the fashion world where children are making their mark because celeb offspring are big in the world of entertainment. And they don’t come much bigger than Willow Smith, the most annoying child on the planet. Not only is Willow an irritating person, but she is responsible for the world’s most annoying song I Whip My Hair Back and Forth. Actually I’m cranky at myself for mentioning that song because now I will spend the rest of the week singing the stupid thing.

Willow’s happy with the song’s success though saying she’s pleased all that hard work has paid off. Oh sweetie, you’re 11. You don’t know what hard work is you obnoxious brat. Go back to school and learn your algebra.

Another thing:  Check out Suri Cruise’s burn book.  Sort of seems wrong to laugh at a child but it’s very, very funny. Image

Wouldn’t happen these days of course.  All that talk of fags and blowing in her face wouldn’t get past the censors.  And they talk about the good old days.

I don’t thing they are here is Australia because we’ve got those things you put over your unruly, cold sensitive, horny nipples. You can even resort to bandaids if you need, but they make you boobs look weirdly flattened. Anyway we’ve got it wrong because sticky out nipples are desirable. They advertised the fact that you are turned on though how this would go down at church on Sunday could be a bit weird.

Turned on by Jesus sticky nips for your Sunday outing. Actually that’s blastphemous. I may go to hell.

OK, well there’s a site where you can buy your sticky nips should you wish to looky sexy, excited and wow just like the lady in the orange top in the following video clip. Personally I just wanted to get her a good bra and hoist her puppies north–but who am I to judge? She’s feeling wow for goodness sakes. Image

This is my Gen X Girl column for this week’s Savvy magazine in the Townsville Bulletin.

Did you see those nasty fashion types dissing tennis queen, Sam Stosur, about her lack of fashion sense? Apparently her post US Open red and white striped dress with matching lippy was criticised by those in the fashion know as being hideous, ugly and even tranny-like. That’s rough.

Well boo sucks to you fashion critics. Samantha can wear a paper bag and parade around New York for all I care. She’s a tennis player—a US Open winner no less, not a fashion plate. And she’s sponsor’s dream for that little red stripey number was by Lacoste, the brand that funds her tennis wear. Smart girl.

Actually who are fashion critics? What job description do you have to fill to be a fashion critic? From what I can gather if you wear designer clothes and mix it with something from Vinnnie’s, you are cutting edge and therefore a fashionista who gets to sit in the front row at fashion shows. A designer bad and a sour look also add to the mix.

I’m guessing the people on cable show Fashion Police can label themselves critics. In that case hosting an entertainment show, being an old comedienne and the daughter of an old rock star must qualify you to be a spokesperson for what is fashionable.

The daughter of the old rock star to whom I referred is Kelly Osbourne. Do you remember her? Potty-mouthed, purple haired, potential Jenny Craig spokesperson, tattooed daughter from the imaginatively named reality show The Osbournes. Well flash-forward five years, she’s now a full-blown fashion critic. Not sure how it happened but it did.

In fact quite recently Kelly Osbourne got all lippy and criticised Princess Catherine for recycling clothes. Kelly said that she would want a new dress every day. Guess that’s why Prince William didn’t choose Kelly then. That and the drug-taking and the…well you get the idea.

I’m guessing that Princess Catherine probably would want a new dress every day, but prudently she realises that the British economy is in a bit of a mess and it probably isn’t the best time to be going all fashion show pony. Let’s have a reality check here, buying a new dress every day would be exhausting and, when the novelty wore off, just plain boring.

So who do the fashion critics love? Well they love Kate Moss, and I’ll be really honest here—and I may have alluded to this in previous columns—I just don’t get her. She has stringy hair, is cocaine skinny and has dodgy teeth. Yet any item of clothing that she puts on is deemed fashionable and everybody apes it. Weird.

Such is her power that she brought the opaque tight back into fashion. I so fashion dumb that I didn’t even know they were out of fashion. Black opaque tights are the staple of my winter wardrobe. They cover legs that haven’t seen a razor for a month and make you look taller and skinnier. Actually Kate Moss thanks for bringing them back.

Princess Catherine thanks you too. She’s been copping flak for wearing sheer pantyhose and boring shoes. I actually think the wearing of those items might be in the How to be a Princess handbook. I can’t see her rocking a pair of strappy Prada platform wedges to Buckingham Palace. Image