I may or may not also stash the house key there if I’m short of a pocket or not wearing my nifty little exercise pants with the zip on the leg. It looks great as I’m groping around in my bra trying to find the key.  Anyway I’ll own that these are not good looks which is why I’m surprised about the Secret Keeper–a little bag where you stash you stuff and then stuff it down you bra.

They do it with ease these ladies on the informercial. They just zip and stash and then dance around, run around all with no bumps. What rot. You’d have to have bumps unless you have boobs like fairy floss. And how doesn’t it fall out? Do you have a secret velcro stip attached to your boob. But I’ll grant that all that boob groping might be an attractant for some. Image

This week’s Gen X Girl column from Savvy Magazine in the Townsville Bulletin.

Does anyone actually believe anything that celebrities say? Are you going to buy Nespresso coffee just because George Clooney says so? Or just because Hugh Jackman bursts into song when he drinks iced tea, are you going to do the same? Actually if Hugh Jackman told me to do anything I would. The man’s a god—OK.

It could be argued that this is the case for all advertising which is obviously true otherwise the world as we know it would come to a screaming halt. But at least these types of ads don’t pretend to be anything other than a hard sell.

But what is really annoying me is the celebrity endorsement. How does an ad differ to a celebrity endorsement? Well it’s different because the celebrity chats with us, takes us on his or her journey, makes us believe we are just like them. The hard sell is a little harder to discern. It’s less buy me because I say so, it’s more buy me and you can be just like me.

This isn’t just an American thing either. Granted we have fewer celebrities here in Australia than the US but there are a couple of gold-plated ones who keep being trotted out.

Rebecca Gibney—or Julie Rafter as we know her, is one of these. Do you remember in her pre-Jules days when she did an advertising campaign for a painkiller? She had little pains, and big pains, all which could be fixed by a capsule, and still have time to learn her lines. She looked shocking in those ads, which can’t have been good for the product. But seeing herself look so bad led to Rebecca to botox.

Bec loved the stuff, comparing it to getting a facial. She told us all to stop judging each other (about botox use) until…she signed on as the face of a beauty cream. And guess what—she doesn’t need botox any more because this cream is so wonderful.

She does yoga now too. That’s her exercise of choice. Last year, when she was endorsing Wii, she bounced around on the WiiFit board. That contract must have ended because now it downward dogs all the way.

You know I don’t hold out with Rebecca sticking with either the facecream or the yoga. For a start how on earth can she make a dime out of the yoga, and let’s be frank—she’s got the attention span of a gnat if past performance is any indication.

Magda Szubanski is another who invited us on her journey—her weightloss journey with her bestie Jenny Craig who paid her a bomb. We got to meet Magda’s weightloss consultant, saw makeovers and were treated to monthly updates via magazine covers and TV show appearances.

She got a little full of herself though did Magda. When she started telling all the rest of us that we were a nation of big old fatties who should run up the Opera House stairs well I couldn’t help thinking “pot kettle meet black”.

Anyway as it turns out it was all for naught because poor old Magda just couldn’t stick with it. She started whacking on all that weight which probably goes to prove that diets don’t work whether you’re being paid for it or not.  Image

So Kate won this year’s Masterchef and now there’s a great big black hole in my 7:30pm viewing schedule. I know there are a lot of you out there, just like me, trying to fill the breach with The Renovators, but not yet. Maybe next week when visions of snowmen dessert have vanished, but I’m not quite ready to replace the spatula with the spack filler.

There’s been a bit of criticism about Masterchef this year. Things like falling ratings and no one watches it any more (oh if only other shows could get 2.5 million to tune in) and then the clanger with splitting into two parts for the finale. Lots of people were very upset with that. Personally I needed a break from the tension and the opportunity to fast forward through all the ads.

However there are more upsetting things than that from this series of Masterchef. I can sum it up in two words. Eamon Sullivan. I’ll add another two—Olympic swimmer. Since when did an immunity pin go to someone for cooking off against a swimmer? Well since Danni did, gaining a false place in the top four. That was stupid.

Let’s try another two words. Matt Moran. Great chef, knows his stuff, but sadly zero rapport with the contestants. He’s not all bark but no bite like Matt, fatherly like Gary or bouncy like George. He’s just cold.

Actually George is upsetting me. That knife licking is disgusting. Surely a chef should know not to eat off his knife. He should also know how to use a fork like a fork instead of a steam shovel. Don’t they have a module on table manners at chef school?

While I’m picking on George I’d like to point out that while there may be four elements of a plate, they are just that e-lements, not a-lements.

Enough though of my carrying on. You’d think I didn’t like the show and I do. I like it enough to have gone to the trouble to look up the website and working my way through the on-line application form for next year’s comp (purely for research of course).

I’ll give you a heads up. If you’ve got a criminal history or you’ve featured in a porn film then I don’t think you’re not much of chance. They also want to know about your cooking memories. I suggest something like standing around the big wooden table in Nonna’s kitchen while you shaped gnocchi together. Nonna’s are big on cooking shows. Nanna’s don’t cut it.

I will admit, that while I was filling in the application, I started getting a bit excited about my food journey (another term I won’t miss) but then I picked up the computer mouse and knocked some common sense into myself.

Why would I want to construct a dessert that has 13 different elements when I can chuck together a chocolate mousse in ten minutes flat and everyone thinks I’m a genius? Why would I want to spend 15 minutes plating up my main meal while my guests are drinking all my wine and I’m missing out? Chuck it on the plate I say—there’s grog to be drunk.

Anyway if you possess a slight streak of masochism, the ability to cry on cue and possess a lot more ambition that me applications close in September. Good luck on your food journey.

Well here’s an insider’s guide to what really goes on on reality tv. My goodness me–perhaps it’s not as real as we think.

Everything you see has been mapped out. We design it, we build it, we know what it’s going to be. It’s a maze; my job is to pop the mice in and watch the reaction. But the mice are manipulated. We’ve written everything.

When the characters — the cast — cry “why don’t they like me?” that’s the whole point. If you filmed a show with ten people who get along, there would be nothing to watch. I have sympathy for them, but what do they think they’re signing up for?

You will be edited into a one-dimensional character. The editors can make you whoever they want. You don’t have control.

You can make a big storyline from the littlest thing — a tense moment, something minor. It’s water-cooler talk for the rest of the country, but it’s just some tiny, nothing incident.The best reality TV showcases real talent. Project Runway is very respected in the industry. Everyone loves Extreme Makeover — it makes you feel good and proud to work on a show like that.Jersey Shore is not about talent. It’s about getting attention because you’re young and stupid and arrogant. The more obnoxious you are, the more airtime you get. I can’t stand it, even though some people in my industry love it as a guilty pleasure.

People don’t realize that the cast isn’t allowed to do anything. We basically own them. They’re like our puppets — our prisoners. We’re monitoring them twenty-four hours per day, making sure they adhere to our rules. They barely have contact with family and friends.I keep them on the show if they want to quit. If a girl wants to quit I’ll say, “Do you really want one of the guys to win? Do you really want to let female viewers down?” You’re like their coach; you’re coaching them on how to win the game.

After it’s done, people miss it. They had no responsibilities, didn’t have to look after themselves. We pamper them. They miss being on set — even if they were disgruntled at the time.

The concept we sell to the audience isn’t necessarily the concept we sell to the contestants. I stay friends with cast members after it’s all said and done, which is hard sometimes when you have to lie to them. You get attached and you can feel dirty, but I try.We don’t actually follow celebrities around 24/7. There’s a schedule. We can’t tell them what to say — they try to produce it themselves. They give us shit if it’s not to their liking, or if they’re not represented in a certain light. We make their lives seem more glamorous than they really are — which is what they want.

My friends who don’t work in the industry can’t tell which scenes are scripted. Are you that gullible? You watch The Hills and really buy that Brody and Kristin called each other at the same time, and there just happened to be cameras there? Do you really think the guy on The Bachelor arranged those dates?The Bachelor has a say in which girl he picks — but the executive producer has a 50 percent say in who stays in the game.

Never try to find love on a reality show.Some contestants make for a great story, but we know they’ll never win. They just don’t have the skill, but you keep them there as long as you can to stir up drama.

When we shoot in Vegas, I’ll get the hotel to accommodate our entire cast and crew in exchange for showing the logo.

Everyone says reality TV is the bottom of the barrel, but it’s here to stay. It’s cheap to make, and it’s a quick turnaround. On a scripted drama, you’re getting a fairy tale, and people have a harder time relating to a fairy tale.
I’ve been on the other end — on a blind date show before I was a producer — and it was a nightmare. You think you’re going on the show to just hang out, but it’s really uncomfortable — you’re told what to say. Now I get why the prodding needs to be done, but they didn’t even tell me when it would air.

To get on a reality show, you just need a lot of personality. Good looks help, but having an angle — a character — is more important. That’s why Jersey Shore works so well. People hadn’t seen that kind of character before. Normal people don’t make good television. Image

And by all and sundry I actually mean those who have got themselves to where they are by means other than swinging of dad’s coat-tails and showing us all what a spoilt, disrespectful brat she was on a reality show–and I’m not talking about Jersey Shore.

She’s in form Kelly. She called Christina Aguilera a fat bitch and is taking swipes at Kate Middleton for recycling her fashion.

‘In England they are like look how thrifty she’s being, showing the British public that the Royals are in a recession as well,’ she said on the Jay Leno show recently.

‘Only in this country (the US) they call it a faux pas.’

Kelly said Kate’s duties should entitle her to throw or give away her clothes at the end of every day.

She fumed (yes fumed): ‘Well I’m sorry but if I had that job I would only wear it once. If I am going to be the future bloody Queen of England I’m going to wear that dress once because I’m giving up the rest of my life, all of my privacy, at least I can get a new dress every day.”

That bloody Kate Middleton, being respectful of the economy. Actually daring to wear an outfit twice, even three times. Why she should get a bad Marilyn Monroe do, a few nasty tattoos, a similar attitude and take to dropping the names of anyone who she’s met in her entire lifetime.

Anyway she must have had second thoughts because she took to Twitter to defend herself.

i didn’t talk shit about kate middleton saying she deserves a new dress everyday is not talking shit last time i checked thank you DailyFail

i just dont get why they feel the need to even make stories up about me when i already do and say enough stupid shit to last them a lifetime

Oh dear Kelly.  I think if your check the video footage you’ll find you said what you said but credit where it’s due–she owns that she says stupid shit.

Anyway I just have to hand out a kudo though to the the British security guard who wouldn’t let Kelly backstage at a recent music gig. The don’t you know who I am routine didn’t work either. Ooops. They’d have let Kate Middleton in in her recycled jeans without a second glance. Image

I’m really into Foxtel’s new series, My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. So much stuff going on that I never, ever imagined could really happen in 2011.

We Aussie’s don’t really know that much about gypsies other than they read fortunes and Johnny Depp played a misunderstood one in Chocolat. How’s that for a big, fat gypsy stereotype.

Well modern-day gypsies are something else. And their wedding dresses. I’ll be frank–they don’t border on, they are, ridiculous. Take for instance the pink number worn by a non-gypsy girl marrying into a gypsy family. It was pink, the skirt was wider than the girl was tall, it lit up like a Christmas tree and had moving fake butterflies. I actually sat with my hand held in horror over my mouth. That is till the woman who made the dress turned up with a fire extinguisher in case the whole thing when up in a big melted puff of polyester. That made me laugh.

Communion dresses take on the same vein with it normal and acceptable to fake tan a six-year-old. Perhaps these gypsies should branch out into child pageants. They’ve got the get up for it. They even change after the ceremony to a pole-dancer’s outfit that is quite creepy to watch. They get their dance on too. Shakira is a role model.

Anyway there are some things other than their poor dress sense that have truly shocked me. Here are some of them.

• Grabbing: where a gypsy boy attacks a girl and takes her somewhere private so that he can kiss her. I hope it is just kissing–it looked more like attempted rape to me. This is an acceptable practice. It’s how boys meet girls. Charming.
• Domestic violence: is an accepted practice in gypsy communities as dependent women see it as their lot in life.
• Domestic drudgery: women do no work outside the caravan which make them reliant on their men. See above.
• Education: is not a necessity for girls who are usually taken out of school when they are 11 or 12. They are needed at home to assist with domestic duties.
• Marriage: a girl is usually married by 16 with much fanfare, big dresses and big cakes. Groom is met by the process of grabbing.
• Alcohol: it’s OK for boys of 11 to drink alcohol–encouraged really. Probably gives them a bit of courage for grabbing and domestic violence when the.

Anyway I’ve gone from finding the first episode absolutely hilarious to being a little disturbed by the next one. I’m guessing the gypsies aren’t terribly impressed by how they’ve been portrayed.

Watch and see what you think. Image

There are certain things that are meant to go together. Things like fish and chips, Romeo and Juliet, salt and pepper, Queensland teams and victory, but Tracy Grimshaw and Lady Gaga? Sorry I just didn’t see it.

OK, big misassumption on my behalf because they were just great together. Instant BFFs when they met for their TV interview on Monday night. First up was mutual clothes complimenting, which was particularly generous on Lady Gaga’s behalf considering that Tracy had raided her Nana’s closet for her outfit. They may have giggled that wide shoulders were from the 80s but that suit had vintage written all over it and I just know Tracy got it from the good clothes section of her wardrobe. Tracy laughed that it made her butt look smaller. She’s a joker that one.

Wasn’t it a lovely girly moment when Tracy pointed out that Gaga had lippy on her teeth? There should be more of that consideration between girls. Although no one wants to hear that they have been traipsing toilet paper around behind them or that their skirt is tucked into their undies, it’s important that someone lets us know. So here’s to the sisterhood and the good example set by Tracy and Gaga. Girls make it your mission to carry on this behaviour so that no woman should ever again have lippy on their teeth or a booger hanging out of their nose.

Now Gaga, or should that be Lady, is a bit of a champion when it comes to the anti-drug message. Doesn’t do drugs she says. And we could be all sniffy and go yeah right, until she pops out with her next classic line that says while she doesn’t do drugs she does do drink. Sure all the anti-alcohol wowsers will be condemning her and her drinking message and blah blah blah role model but good on her—at least she’s not a hypocrite.

You may not know this but Gaga has developed her own diet and exercise plan. She calls it the Drunk Diet. This is what she said.

“I am on the drunk diet. I live my life as I want to, creatively. I like to drink whiskey and stuff while I am working. But the deal is I’ve got to work out every day, and I work out hung over if I am hung over. And it’s about the cross-training and keeping yourself inspired. I have to say, I do a ton of yoga.”

Last time I tried to do yoga drunk I dislocated my shoulder. It involved a complicated headstand that should never have been attempted under the influence of wine—but then I’m no Lady Gaga.

But this is why I really think Gaga is awesome. After Tracy’s dodgy question about homosexual marriage and Julia Gillard, Gaga made the assumption that the prime minister was gay. Imagine thinking that? Gaga avoided a national scandal with a diplomatic answer, but how funny could that have been? Would have taken Julia’s mind right off that nasty old Carbon Tax that’s causing her so much bother.