I haven’t been this horrified for years. Not since I heard that Prince Charles wanted to be Camilla’s tampon. But horrified I am, and it’s all due to Tiger’s texting. I know Tiger has been a cheating cad, but when you actually read what’s been said, you sort of lose any dwindling modicum of respect that may have remained.

You can read the full transcript  of Tiger’s sexting with Mistress No 1067 Joslyn James here, but I’ve chosen a few choice ones for you if you’re a bit short on time.

Do not read these if you are under 18, it’s weirdo grown up talk from whackos, or if you are likely to be offended, or if you think Tiger’s private life if off limits.

• I want to treat you rough, throw you round, spank and slap you
• Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat
• Hold you down while I Choke you and fuck that ass I own
• Then I’m going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise
• Next time I see you, you better beg and if you don’t do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy
• I have no idea. I would love the ability to make you sore.
• After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard

Charming.

Now I just want to make a few points.

• Do women really get off being talked to like this? I would actually come around and give him a good hard slap and a kick in the balls if he sent texts like this me.
• I applaud his use of the comma. Well done Tiger. The comma is an under-utilised piece of punctuation.
• Is their something Freudian going on with the random capitalisation of Choke and Fuck? Is there a deep underlying issue that needs futher examination here?
• What’s with all the violent references? I really hope Tiger is getting serious help in that sex-addiction clinic. I fear for his golf putter if he doesn’t get this under control. Image

So Michael Clarke has packed up his bat and ball and come home to Australia, in the middle of a tour, to hold Lara Bingle’s hand in the aftermath of her shower scene. What a fabulous role model for our cricket team he is proving to be.

• 2008 Big, big brawl with Andrew Symonds in Darwin (allegedly Symonds was well acquainted with Bingle before Clarke called dibs on her)
• 2008 Big, big brawl with Andrew Symonds in the Caribbean (wonder what that could possibly be about)
• 2009 Big, big brawl (with throat grabbing) with Simon Katich (Clarke wanted to get away early to meet up with Bingle)
• 2010 Big, big brawl with Lara Bingle in dressing room of SCG

Do we see a pattern emerging here? I think the time has come for Clarke to decide whether he wants to be a cricket player or Lara Bingle’s handbag.

So let’s try and get this whole thing in proportion. Lara Bingle had an affair with Brendan Fevola which she denied on national television and was only caught out when Fevola’s inlaws played the voicemail messages to the media therefore proving that Lara Bingle is a big fat fibber.

Lara Bingle has posed topless in men’s magazines. Lara Bingle has effectively been paid 200 grand for the shower photo. All in all not a bad day’s work. She got very well paid for being a topless model. I’ve attached photographic evidence to prove my point.

Or is the point that it’s not ok to publish nude photos

• a) without permission
•  b) without payment
• c) without makeup
• d) without photoshopping or
•  e) all of the above?

So why did Clarke come home? Is he going to beat up big bad Fevola? Not likely. Apparently it was to support Lara on her coming out in Women’s Day. Silly me I thought he might have been more use the previous week, but no, he’s come home for the cash payout.

Not that I think that Clarke is motivated by money. I just think they both thought together they might generate more web hits and newspaper inches–oh and look they were right. Apparently the New Zealand media were hounding the poor baby. He’s come home because the Aussie media will leave him alone.

Lara’s not very happy with the media though.  Did you see her flip the press the bird from her balcony yesterday.  I mean I always take phone calls on my balcony when the media are waiting outside and then get annoyed when they photograph me.  Lara, Lara, be careful what you wish for.

I’m sure a lot of cricket players go through personal hardship on tours. The only difference is they handle it quietly and with dignity–the McGraths being a case in point. And guess what, no one had anything but respect for them, their situation and their privacy.

However I’m not sure that quietly and dignity will ever be two words associated with Lara Bingle and her circus. Perhaps she’d be better off hooking up with an English soccer player (don’t think she’s tried out that sport yet). Their WAGs are expected to be show pony princesses. Gosh she might even record a video. I’ve heard she’s got experience with videos. Hope no one else loses their phone.

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So who began their weekend listening to Tiger Woods’ heartfelt yet strangely insincere apology lifted straight from the pages of How to Redeem a Massive Fuckup 101?

But back to Tiger’s statement. Can you believe he got all religious? Of course you can. He referred to his Buddhism practice in what must be the biggest understatement of the year.

“Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security. It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint. OBVIOUSLY I LOST TRACK OF WHAT I WAS TAUGHT.”

You think!

Anyway I hope the part about Elin not belting him with the golf club isn’t true. I hope she found the biggest club she could find and I hope she hit him hard. I am actually really liking that girl. Do you know what she did after Tiger released his statement? She went shopping. Admittedly it was for her daughter, but good on her for not hiding away and for using her credit card. And she looks great, great like Princess Diana looked when she and Prince Charles divorced.

I also really liked the way she didn’t stand beside him while he made his crappy apology doing that loving, proud thing that all American politicians’ wives do when their husbands come a) out of the closet b) deny that they fathered an illegitimate child c) have an affair with a cocktail waitress or d) use the services of highly paid escorts.

Has anyone seen The Good Wife? That’s what the main character did, stood beside her cheating, dishonest husband with that pained, yet loving look. But when they left the stage she slapped him, hard, and that’s really about as good as that show got. Been a real letdown since. I wonder if Elin slapped Tiger, hard? Hope so.

Anyway everyone’s trying to jump on the bandwagon now. The mistresses want an apology. Yeah, like that’s going to happen especially since they had no idea what they were getting themselves into!

And what’s an apology worth anyway? Get your PR team to write it, practice it so many times (pregnant pauses and sincere looks included) that you can’t possibly mean it and then deliver it to a room full of crash test dummies. Hmm, words are cheap.

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