Norah Ephron wrote a book called I Feel Bad About My Neck. Obviously Candice Bergen felt the same way when she sported those high necked blouses and statement necklaces that fooled no one, but hey, they’re getting older and decline of the neck is hard to disguise. But now you can get botox in it and fat injections and filler and no one with cash need ever feel bad about their neck again.

But Sarah Jessica Parker needs to feel bad about her hands. She’s got the face of a thirty year old and the hands of Grandma Moses. Oh, they are not pretty hands and it doesn’t matter how many rings, bracelets and bangles that you pile on they are still old lady hands. And by the way, would a manicure have gone astray?

Actually all that jewelry just draws attention to them. I feel a bit sorry for these actresses, not only do we pick on their dresses, their jewelry, their shoes and makeup, now we are treated to close up earring shots (earrings nice, stretched holes no) and hand closeups.

Have you ever done that test that tells if you are ageing? You know the one where you grab the skin on the back of your hands, hold it for five seconds and then see how long it takes to go back to normal. I’ll just wait here while you do it. I took three seconds but fortunately I wasn’t left with the little raised bit lingering at the end like I know SJP will have. That’s because I’ve got a bit of fat on the back of my hands (and lots of other places), SJP not so much.

She also doesn’t have fat on her arse or anywhere else. Remember when they said you could have a face or an arse when you got older? Well that doesn’t apply anymore with implants and fat injections pretty well available to anyone. I have seen that they can do fat injections into the back of the hands so it might be something SJP might take on board for next year’s Oscars.

Perhaps she could go and see the people who did the work on Sandra Bullock, Kathryn Bigelow and Helen Mirren. My god those women looked fine. Just goes to show what a nice bit of filler and botox can do. They didn’t look at all plastic but I will admit I haven’t seen any hand shots of them.

And what on earth is the name of that Pilates DVD that Kate Winslet attributes her amazing body to? She’s so lucky isn’t she. Just 20 minutes in front of the telly doing her DVD and she goes from (Un)Heavenly Creaturesto Mrs Hollywood. I’m going to get myself a Pilates DVD and give it a go. I’ll keep you posted.

Norah Ephron also said in her book that the best things for a woman to do is to dye her hair. I have to agree with this. Very few women look good with grey hair. It tends to go all streaky and old looking. It would be great to have that massed steel grey hair which looks amazing but even then you still look old, distinguished sure, but still old.

Have a look at James Cameron’s wife at the Oscars last night [image]. Trying to place her, aren’t you. She’s Suzy Amis who was Rose’s grand daughter in Titanic. James Cameron replaced Linda Hamilton (who replaced Kathryn Bigelow) with her.

I know there are those among you who will say that she looks natural and this is what age looks like, but sorry I’m not with you. She looks bloody woeful, not just for the Oscars, but probably for a night at the RSL. She should drop into the pharmacy and pick up a bottle of NicenEasy Nordic Blonde. And maybe swing by McDonald’s for a quick bite to eat, she looks hungry.

So here is my Hot/Not List of the 2010 Oscars

Hot

1. Kathryn Bigelow (for being smart, respected, dignified, winning and looking so good)
2. Sandra Bullock (for looking good and delivering a decent speech)
3. Helen Mirren (wow)
4. Demi Moore (again wow)
5. Cameron Diaz (finally looking the part instead of that of a Salvation Army store shopper)

Not

1. George Clooney (carried on like a wanker)
2. Miley Cyrus (stand up straight, put your shoulders back)
3. Vera Famigla (for wearing a valance)
4. Sarah Jessica Parker (for wearing a silk sheet and too much hand jewelry for reason mentioned above)
5. Kate Winslet (yeah right you look like that with a 20 minute Pilates DVD)

I’ve got a shocker of a cold at the moment, therefore I am tired and grumpy and hot and bothered and quite cross with the whole world. So naturally it’s time for me to vent a little. So here is my list of stupid shit that should stop in the interests of the betterment of humanity (or at least until my cold goes away).

1. Panties.Only whack jobs say panties. It’s a gross word that makes an innocent piece of underwear sound dirty. If you say panties then stop. Otherwise people will think you look at awful things on the internet. If you are stuck, here are a few alternatives that you might like to use (though why you are talking about them is another issue altogether)–knickers, undies, underpants, lingerie, briefs or pants.
2. High fiving.Unless you are an American basketball player then stop doing this. You just look stupid. Why do grown up people think it’s ok to go around slapping palms to celebrate? Use your words people. And what’s with the new high five–fisting? If you are English or Australian then fisting has a very different meaning than the collision of fists that it has in America and I’m not explaining it. Google it. You’ll find it, maybe with illustrations. If you are from the US and you want to fist someone in Australia then you may end up with a black eye, or maybe a term of imprisonment, or even both. If someone knows the Obamas on a personal level could you tell them not to go around fisting (they are big fisting fans in the US sense) in Australia when they visit in April. It may end badly.
3. Like.I’m so like over like people saying like all the time. It’s an expression of enjoyment or a simile such as like sands through the hour glass, so are The Days of Our Lives. Teenage girls this applies to you as you are like the biggest offenders. You sound stupid, ill-educated, brainless and unemployable. Stop.
4. Motherfucker.Thank you US rap singers for introducing this particular little gem into the Australian vernacular. It’s right up there with son of a bitch. These two expressions are revolting. If you say them then stop. You sound like a tryhard dickhead. Now isn’t that a nice little expression? Down with motherfucker, bring back dickhead.
5. Using swear words as a term of endearment. I was listening to a radio presenter wax on about her new born daughter before she concluded the story with …the poor little bitch.This baby was six weeks old. How is OK to refer to a six week old as a little bitch? Wait till she does something really annoying. Do you call her a fucking bitch? It is not OK to swear to, swear about, use swearing as a term of endearment in the context of small children and babies. Teenagers well that’s a different story, but even then it should be mouthed behind their backs and only to make you feel better because if they catch you doing it they may swear back. And we can’t have that, can we?

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