I love watching people put on their makeup but that’s just me. Anyway Cassandra’s a trooper. I could never do what she’s done.  I delete all the photos I don’t like.  And I suck at putting on makeup.

See what you can learn from her.

This is my from my weekly Gen X Girl column in the Townsville Bulletin’s Savvy magazine.

Have you noticed that children, especially babies, are the new black? They’re everywhere. Once upon a time celebrities used to accessorise their outfits with gigantic handbags and saucer-sized sunnies but now they just casually sling their offspring across their shoulder and away they go.

Take the newest Beckham progeny, Harper. Posh Beckham has carted that one to every fashion event since it was born two months ago. I naively assumed that was because the baby was a girl and Victoria was trying to imprint fashion on it’s brain, but I think it may have been more about saying “see this is why I was fat. I can produce my own baby so nah nah to the rest of you who take the easy way out and adopt from Zanzibar”. But maybe I’m being judgmental. Victoria went through a lot for that baby. Slipped a disc, had to wear flats for a day. Poor pet.

Anyway Harper was really taken with New York Fashion Week. It’s true, Mrs B said so. “We went to Prada yesterday and she love it. It was as if she was saying, ‘Mummy, I’m home’.” It was probably just wind.

See I’m thinking it’s not the female offspring thing that is part of it. Celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe drags her poor infant son to the opening of an envelope. There is he is, poor little Skylar (promise I did not make that up), dolled up in his Cartier blankie sitting in the front row of London Fashion Week. So who’s going to grow up with a very pronounced lisp?

Suri Cruise, Tom’s little angel, has a wardrobe worth more than the GDP of the USA. This five year old has handbags from Gucci, high heels from Prada and discreet Burberry lining in all her coats. I this OK for a child? I think not. She wears red lipstick, blush and a surly demeanour. I feel like pushing her in a sandpit, but she wouldn’t know what to do.

How about Tavi, Vogue editor Anna Wintour’s new bestie? Tavi—that sounds exotic doesn’t it—all Russian with attitude. Well the attitude’s there, but that’s probably because she’s a teenager. Yes, one the of the most influential fashion bloggers in cyberspace is a 15 year old with four years of experience on board. Yep, she started when she was 11.

It’s not only the fashion world where children are making their mark because celeb offspring are big in the world of entertainment. And they don’t come much bigger than Willow Smith, the most annoying child on the planet. Not only is Willow an irritating person, but she is responsible for the world’s most annoying song I Whip My Hair Back and Forth. Actually I’m cranky at myself for mentioning that song because now I will spend the rest of the week singing the stupid thing.

Willow’s happy with the song’s success though saying she’s pleased all that hard work has paid off. Oh sweetie, you’re 11. You don’t know what hard work is you obnoxious brat. Go back to school and learn your algebra.

Another thing:  Check out Suri Cruise’s burn book.  Sort of seems wrong to laugh at a child but it’s very, very funny. Image

This week’s Gen X Girl column from Savvy Magazine in the Townsville Bulletin.

Does anyone actually believe anything that celebrities say? Are you going to buy Nespresso coffee just because George Clooney says so? Or just because Hugh Jackman bursts into song when he drinks iced tea, are you going to do the same? Actually if Hugh Jackman told me to do anything I would. The man’s a god—OK.

It could be argued that this is the case for all advertising which is obviously true otherwise the world as we know it would come to a screaming halt. But at least these types of ads don’t pretend to be anything other than a hard sell.

But what is really annoying me is the celebrity endorsement. How does an ad differ to a celebrity endorsement? Well it’s different because the celebrity chats with us, takes us on his or her journey, makes us believe we are just like them. The hard sell is a little harder to discern. It’s less buy me because I say so, it’s more buy me and you can be just like me.

This isn’t just an American thing either. Granted we have fewer celebrities here in Australia than the US but there are a couple of gold-plated ones who keep being trotted out.

Rebecca Gibney—or Julie Rafter as we know her, is one of these. Do you remember in her pre-Jules days when she did an advertising campaign for a painkiller? She had little pains, and big pains, all which could be fixed by a capsule, and still have time to learn her lines. She looked shocking in those ads, which can’t have been good for the product. But seeing herself look so bad led to Rebecca to botox.

Bec loved the stuff, comparing it to getting a facial. She told us all to stop judging each other (about botox use) until…she signed on as the face of a beauty cream. And guess what—she doesn’t need botox any more because this cream is so wonderful.

She does yoga now too. That’s her exercise of choice. Last year, when she was endorsing Wii, she bounced around on the WiiFit board. That contract must have ended because now it downward dogs all the way.

You know I don’t hold out with Rebecca sticking with either the facecream or the yoga. For a start how on earth can she make a dime out of the yoga, and let’s be frank—she’s got the attention span of a gnat if past performance is any indication.

Magda Szubanski is another who invited us on her journey—her weightloss journey with her bestie Jenny Craig who paid her a bomb. We got to meet Magda’s weightloss consultant, saw makeovers and were treated to monthly updates via magazine covers and TV show appearances.

She got a little full of herself though did Magda. When she started telling all the rest of us that we were a nation of big old fatties who should run up the Opera House stairs well I couldn’t help thinking “pot kettle meet black”.

Anyway as it turns out it was all for naught because poor old Magda just couldn’t stick with it. She started whacking on all that weight which probably goes to prove that diets don’t work whether you’re being paid for it or not.  Image

Actually I’m being a bit tongue in cheek about the power mavens of Hollywood. I actually mean Lindsay Lohan and Megan Fox. Not quite sure if that sarcasm worked right there.

Anyway let’s start with Megan. She’s getting her forearm tattoo of Marilyn removed due to the negative energy it emits.

“I’m removing it. It is a negative character, as she suffered from personality disorders and was bipolar. I do not want to attract this kind of negative energy in my life.”

WTF???

“It warns me not to let myself be treated so badly by the film industry so that it breaks me down,” the actress once said of the Marilyn tribute.

Obviously Megan is blaming the Marilyn tattoo for her being dropped from the second Transformers movie and the debacle that was Jennifer’s Body.

It’s good then that Megan’s on top of it all. Good for her though I have to mention again that she is married to David Silver from Beverly Hills 90210. David Silver!

Lindsay Lohan isn’t concerned about Marilyn’s negative energy. No she can’t stop drawing similarities between the herself and Miss Monroe.

“People in their mind have created who I am and act as if there is no real person inside of me. Just like Marilyn. Marilyn never wanted to be just a celebrity. Neither do I… I had always thought that movie stars were in films that would last forever in your mind. But now the films don’t. I don’t want to be remembered as someone who just wanted to be photographed, who goes out at night, and gets in trouble.”

That can’t be right can it? Marilyn wanted to be a movie star. She devoted her life to being just that. I’m thinking that all that shimmering around and singing Happy Birthday Mr President was a tad celebrity attracting.

And Lindsay, sweetie, some advice. If you don’t want to be photographed, at night getting into trouble, can I suggest you just stay in. And don’t drive when you’ve been drinking. And don’t do drugs. And find a movie to act in (you peaked in Parent Trap). And you’re not Marilyn Monroe. And what is the name of the makeup you use that so successfully covers up your freckles? Now that would be information worth tweeting. Image

You know everyone can carry on all they like about how 40 is the new 30, but I’m here to tell you 40 is a big fat drain on your time.

• My twice daily skincare regime takes forever. Cleanse and dry, apply serum, apply another serum, moisturise, eye cream, lip cream and sunscreen. At night I do it all again except I omit the sunscreen but apply a lip serum. Every second night I add exfoliation into the mix and just for fun I’m now using a sonic cleanser that is supposed to do wonderous things. I’m still waiting for all these miracles to do something good to my face. This takes about 15 tp 20 minutes. Fifteen minutes that I used to use to sleep.
• It now takes me 15 minutes instead of 5 to do my makeup in the mornings. This is because I spend an large amount of time applying foundation with my foundation brush in a motion similar to a plasterer applying spackle. I won’t even go into the use of colour corrector. Three colours to correct the varying redness, black circles, and just for fun the occasional spot.
• I no longer leap out of bed ready to face the day as my eyes snap open. Now the use of an espresso is utilised before my feet even hit the floor. Then there is a series of complicated yoga poses that include downward dog, the dolphin and spinal twist just to put some movement into my poor, old aching back.
• Pulling my hair up into a pony tail no longer counts as hair styling. There is a complicated procedure of blonde shampoo and conditioner, wide tooth combing after the liberal application of moroccan oil, blowdrying and then straightening. And it’s still got knots in it from all the chemical abuse I subject it to. But I will not go grey cause then I’ll look old as well as feel it.
• Pre-40 I used to take a vitamin pill. Now I take oroxine (for my underactive thyroid), fish oil, magnesium, probiotics, digestive enzymes, resveratrol and a multivitamin. I rattle when I walk. I hope that they are doing me good otherwise I have very expensive pee.

I could go on and on, but I’ll stop because I have to focus on positive feelings, meditation and sudoku so I don’t get Alzheimer’s.

So don’t believe it. Forty is not the new 30. It’s just a big black time sucking hole. Image

I love makeovers. Love TV makeover shows more for that matter. Property, people, lifestyles—I’m all over them. Just so long that some that was previously in need of some serious attention comes out looking all better at the end of it. Magic in my eyes.

So you can imagine my absolute fascination with the new public spectacle: The Beautification of Shane Warne—From Bogan to Baron. OK, I made that title up but I’m keeping copy write on it. I see a reality show in the wings. And I also hear the sound of beer cans around the country being crumpled in disbelief as Australia’s CUBBY (cashed up bogan) king icon goes all metrosexual.

It’s all that Elizabeth Hurley’s fault. She’s the one who got her sticky mitts all over Warnie and papered off the rough edges. And what has emerged from the chrysalis that was the drinking, smoking and ample-gutted Warnie grub? Why a butterfly so slick and smooth that he could go straight to Madam Tussaud’s Wax Museum without ever having to pose.

Do you remember Warnie BE (Before Elizabeth)? There was the cricketer’s tan, the wrinkles around the eyes, the fairly decent beer belly and the gelled up, highlighted Yeah-Yeah hair. He also sported calloused thumbs, not so much from bowling, but from texting, or should that be sexting, up a storm.

So what’s changed? Well the sexting has stopped, cleverly replaced by an addiction to Twitter that has unfortunately given us more information about Elizabeth and Shane’s private life than New Idea ever could.

The beer gut is gone, disappeared, no more. Apparently this is due to Elizabeth putting Shane on a diet that included lots of wheat grass. The diet was also conducted via Twitter so, just in case we were interested, we could share in Warnie’s weight loss journey. “Feel like a hot pie with copious amounts of sauce with crinkle cut chips!! What’s the best pie?” he tweeted, followed with: “NO Shane!! 78kg is target currently 82.5. Settle on a protein shake with an apple and banana – sob.” Gosh it sounds like he was having fun. But it has worked because he apparently lost 10kg. Well done, Warnie.

Warnie’s tan is nice and even now, as is his wrinkle-free face. Has someone been hitting the Fraxel laser and Botox? Well no–it’s all due to the magic effects of cosmetic company Estee Lauder’s moisturisers. I know this because Warnie tweeted it. Elizabeth gave us more specific information about the particular moisturiser when she further tweeted “So glad the Estée Lauder Resilience Lift moisturiser is working & everyone thinks you’ve had a face lift.” Would it surprise you to know that Elizabeth is the face of Estee Lauder. I see a big Christmas bonus for Liz.

Anyway like any good makeover show Warnie had his big unveiling at Elton John’s White Tie and Tiara Ball. He trotted out in his beautifully cut tuxedo, hair slicked back and de-highlighted. His eyebrows were waxed and there was a suggestion of mascara and guy-liner. Mascara! Guyliner!

And there is the picture complete—Shane Warne, trophy wife. Image

So here’s their top 10 things people from the makeup counter don’t want you to know.

• Germs are everywhere. While most makeup counter artists and salespeople clean the makeup brushes (a common breeding ground for bacteria) after they use them from one customer to the next, you can never really trust any brush that isn’t yours, says one former Estee Lauder artist. But “it’s not the brushes consumers should worry about, it’s really the products themselves,” she says. “No matter how many times a day the sales rep cleans them, people love to come stick their dirty fingers in the colors to test them. It’s amazing! Women walk right up to the counter, grab a lipstick tester and put it right to their lips. I think that’s one of the most shocking things about working at the counter — the general public’s complete disregard for bacteria,” she concludes.
• You can get a refund on almost anything.While the return policies differ, most big department stores like Nordstrom and Macy’s are notorious for giving full refunds or store credit back for products that have been used — and used more than once. You can test a makeup product several times before you decide whether it’s right for you.
• They play on your insecurities.Do you feel special when a salesperson says you are pretty or goes on about how great your skin is? Well, for the most part, they are complimenting everyone. “Usually if I compliment them, they open up about what they are looking for,” says one former makeup artist. She says she found that women were “shy and self-conscious” and that with a little “boost” from her, they were more likely to talk to her about their skin or makeup concerns and buy more.
• They make things up.“Cosmetic training in a department store or beauty supply focuses mostly on sales and not about product knowledge, which is unfortunate,” says one former counter makeup artist. “We do learn mediocre product information, but that doesn’t come until several months after working there, so we spend the first couple months making stuff up or sharing our limited experience,” she says. “I would generalize that most beauty advisors know a little more than what the average woman does about beauty,” and the ones that make “good money” off commissions are “sales people, not beauty experts,” she concludes.
• They pretend to be something they’re not.Walking through a department store you’ll realize that sometimes the salespeople look more like doctors than makeup artists. This is a planned scheme to convince you they are “experts,” says a former counter worker. “The lab coats and charts are a marketing tool. They give the illusion [that the] sales force are estheticians, research scientists and keep their area clean,” she says. “If we were [experts], we would not be working at the counter. Experts on beauty are actually providing services in salons and developing new skin care technology in a lab,” she jokes.
• The free makeover is NOT free.One of the biggest selling points of visiting the makeup counter is the “free makeover,” but what salespeople don’t tell you upfront is that the makeover isn’t really free. Makeup artists at counters work on commission (in the US). So although you’re not obligated to buy anything, it is expected. “Technically it’s free, but we invest our time hoping you will become our next big customer.” It’s like tipping no one is going to come after you yelling and waving their fist, but you would leave feeling guilty. It’s just not courteous to get a free makeover when you have no intention of buying,” says a former counter makeup artist.
• They judge you based on the products you use.Often when you chat with a beauty counter salesperson about makeup or your skin care, they will ask you what products you are currently using. This serves two purposes: They can judge how much money you might spend with them and then they can assess how much time to spend on you. “If I ask you what products you are currently using and you reply [that] you use a 3 in 1 cleanser from the drugstore, I have learned you don’t want to spend a lot of care, time or money,” says one counter worker.
• They keep an eye out for sample grifters.You can and should be asking your beauty counter salespeople to try samples of products before you buy them, but do know that they are taking note of how much you are “sampling” and how much you are actually buying. “I would give them about two to three days worth [of product], not more than that. I am not supplying their skin care, I am just letting them touch, feel and smell,” says one former counter worker. But she warns “some beauty advisors have an on-going mysterious hostility with their customers and will not waste product on someone who won’t.
• They keep their mouths shut.There are certain things brands won’t want to tell you about the product if you don’t know to ask about it, says one beauty counter veteran. If an ingredient in a product you are interested in “has scared the public,” like for example the media scare over parabens, the salesperson won’t mention the present ingredient when selling it to you, she warns.
• They talk about you behind your back.Think once you leave the department store you are forgotten about? Think again. “If we get a particularly weird customer we may laugh about it for weeks,” says one former makeup artist. “I used to have my family in stitches at dinner telling them the customer stories of the day. There are weird people out there!” she says and that was the “only fun we [could] have sometimes.”

Damn, maybe my eyes aren’t so lovely after all. Image

This is my weekly column from yesterday’s Savvy magazine. Can’t wait for the wedding tonight. I’m kicking proceedings off with a viewing of that cult classic,

I know you’re probably in Royal Wedding information overload and at this moment thinking not another bloody wedding story, but I for one am beside myself with excitement. And before I hear any of that guff about who cares about a couple of toffs on the other side of world let me set you straight.

Were you not brought up on a diet of Disney movies? Why this is Cinderella in real life. Well Cinderella without the wicked stepmother, the glass slipper and the pumpkin coach, but there is the whole marrying a prince thing and that’s got to count for something.

I’m hosting a royal wedding party at my place. We’re having fancy food (well Pringles and dip) and lots of champagne. In keeping with the theme I’ve devised a party game—it’s a drinking game, but I think it’s in the right spirit. I’ll need to be tuned into UKTV for the game to work. It’s down the hatch every time a commentator says in a pompous voice “from a commoner to a princess”. The only problem is I may have to switch channels, as we could all be plastered within the first hour.

Anyway here’s some vital information you are going to need should you decide to forget your bah-humbug attitude and fully partake in the social event of the year (oh look, another drinking game word trigger).

• Kate is apparently wearing William’s dead mother Diana’s tiara. She’s also wearing Diana’s engagement ring. Does anyone find this a tad weird, Freudian even?
• Ladies must wear hats and gloves to the ceremony. Prime Minister, Julia Gillard in a hat. God, I hope she practises some restraint.
• No tweeting or facebooking is allowed in the ceremony. This is for the benefit of the commoners attending but will be most pertinent to the Eurotrash invitees who were looking for a quick cash-out to pay their coke dealers.
• Cups of tea must be stirred side-to-side, not round and round, preferably with a teaspoon and not your finger (I may have made that last bit up).
• Should you meet the Queen she is to be called Ma’am to rhyme with ham, not harm.
• E News is broadcasting the event. Do you think Ryan Seacrest will be on the red carpet to ask Kate who she is wearing?
• Kate is now to be called Catherine as Kate is not princessey enough. Luckily she wasn’t christened Narelle. Image

Did you like the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Millennium series? I did. Thought they were fantastic. Actually downloaded the last one on my Kindle and read it on a beach in Italy. That’s a juxtaposition. Surrounded in natural beauty with my head stuck in a Kindle reading a book depicting violence against women. Oh well.

I tried watching her in the movie Catch and Release. I have no idea what the movie was about–I was so fascinated by her trout mouth. Hire it out if you can find it and tell me don’t agree.

If you’re a little unsure of what Miss Marple traditionally looks like think Angela Landsbury. Think my Italian beach, violent novel is a juxtaposition–how on earth does anyone explain Jennifer Garner as a grey haired, elderly British spinster?

And to top it all off they have employed a writer from Twin Peaks to do the adaptation. Twin Peaks, the greatest load of overhyped shit to ever grace a TV screen.

She’s busy Jennifer. I love how she’s telling we Australians to use SPF 30 sunscreen in her Neutrogena ads. I so love that someone in another continent whose probably never visited Australia is telling us to wear sunscreen. Thanks for that community service Miss Marple. Image

Gosh that Anna Bligh is a multi-tasker. I’ll go so far to say she’s a woman for all seasons. Or maybe a woman for all disasters. Yep, that’s probably more accurate.

Let’s just sit back and take a look at what she’s achieved in the last two months. She’s turned around appalling opinion polls on the back of two natural disasters. From zero to hero in less time than you can say assets sell off. She’s forged herself a potential career as a newsreader demonstrating an outstanding ability to deliver dire warnings on information provided and collated by someone else. She’s culled dead wood from her cabinet, given herself a brand new portfolio as the minister for cleaning up and now, smack in the middle of all that, has added covergirl to her resume.

I’m not convinced that she’s done the right thing with the covergirl thing though. You would think she’d learned her lesson from the whole Masterchef debacle. That was very embarrassing because a) she lost and b) she lost. I hope that whoever advised her that that was a smart PR choice got flicked faster than an aged cabinet minister. Her popularity in the polls plummeted too, but that was expected. She effectively showed that not only was she stuffing up the Queensland economy and telling porkies by omission, but she proved that she couldn’t cook, and let’s be frank, pretty well anyone can cook—look at Hewey.

So by having her dial plastered all over the front of the Women’s Weekly, Anna Bligh has opened the way to a whole new wave of criticism. Let’s look at her motive for the photo shoot. She says it was to keep the Queensland disasters in the public eye. That’s a noble sentiment until you realise that she doesn’t actually talk about the floods and the promoted disaster is only for Queensland readers. Newsflash, no one in Queensland needs a reminder. Many of us can look out our window and see for ourselves. Forgive me for being cynical but the photo shoot wouldn’t be anything to do with a potential election in our “year of rebuilding” would it Premier Bligh?

She also goes on to wear a range of different, very fashionable outfits. Really? Is this how we want to leader of our state to be represented? Aren’t anorexic fourteen years olds employed to model clothes? One would surely think that an elected leader would somehow be above this. I don’t recall ever seeing British PM Margaret Thatcher doing a fashion shoot for any magazine. Though to be fair, our PM Julia Gillard did the same thing, so the bar has been set low. At least Julia and Anna avoided the feather boa. Remember when politician Cheryl Kernot posed for the Weekly with an ill-considered red feather boa that made her look like an extra from Best Lil’ Whorehouse in the West? Killed her career. Stone. Dead.

As a consequence of all that fluffing around in ill-advised flouncy skirts with utilitarian jackets, Anna has left the door open for us all to legitimately discuss her choice of clothing. So Anna, let’s start by discussing those skirt suits you wear. Did you really go to a Vietnamese tailor, pick one pattern and order one in every coral shade? For that’s how it looks. Collarless jackets, slightly straight A-line skirts. It must make dressing in the morning a breeze for Anna does love to work a theme. Brisbane day, skirt suit; disaster inspection, button down shirt and akubra; disaster announcement or football presentation, dark wash jeans.

But that’s enough discussion of her clothing choices. I really, really wish you hadn’t opened that door for me Premier Bligh. For it goes against everything I believe as a fuzzy-round-the-edges feminist. I really would like to treat you like a male politician. Can anyone remember a remarkable outfit worn by Kevin Rudd? Actually he’s a bad example due to the hair dryer incident in the Middle East. I’ll try again. Does anyone remember a remarkable outfit worn by former PM John Howard? I’d say no, because he dressed conservatively, unremarkably in fact and never, never once poonced around in a cravat for GQ magazine. It would have been undignified. Image