Those sorts of behaviour tend to make me want to walk out. Actually there is no tend about it. I do. And don’t go back for quite a while. And then I tell everyone I know about it.

I suspend cafes and restaurants. That means I will not darken its door, part with one cent of my cash for a given period of time (usually until I have forgotten how bad it was). One local wine bar is currently suspended for six months. Another has just come back from a year long suspension. I’m pleased to say it has lifted its game. It’s actually come to the state where my friends want to know which places are suspended so they can too avoid them, or at least avoid trying to meet me there as I won’t go.

The thing that is really annoying me at the moment though is the corkage charge. Now I don’t mind paying corkage. Especially when a place has a liquor licence. Corkage is fair. It’s especially fair when you are provided with a wine bucket, some decent glasses, the wine is untwisted and a bonus if the waiter treats your drop like it’s been purchased from their own winelist. However when I was charged $10 a head corkage at a new, unlicensed restaurant AND I had to ask for a wine bucket, glasses and then open and pour myself, well let’s just say I was little miffed. I haven’t suspended it but I only eat breakfast there now (even I don’t drink wine at breakfast).

Seems I’m not alone in this general jack-offedness about restuarants. One critic says that he wants to take a bottle of white-out to restuarants so that he can white out the unavailable wine choices that although on the list are usally unavailabe. Another mentions an EATING/DONE EATING sign that they can put out so that waiters get the general idea.

I’d personally like to add my own YES sign to flash at waiters as they invariably swoop in to ask if I’m enjoying my meal right when I filled my mouth up with food. Actually I wish they’d just go away. I’ll let them know if I’m not enjoying my meal or my clean plate will tell them that I did. See old and grumpy.

So here are some other ideas that critics (via the SMH) have suggested to improve the dining experience.

• Torch so you can read menus in dim lighting.
• Wedge to put under wobbly table legs.
• Sunscreen and hat for when you’re seated outside under an umbrella but the sun moves.
• Cardigan for over-airconditioning.
• Spare reading glasses: for the dimwit in every middle-aged group (eg my husband) who forgets to bring theirs and has to get their long-suffering partner (eg me) to read the whole menu to them.
• Pepper grinder: when you want control over how much pepper goes on your food, and when.
• Spare knife and fork: for when yours falls on the floor from those big white bowls that everything slips off.
• Whistle to attract waiters.
• Matches for lighting unlit table candles and in case you forget the torch (see above).
• GPS for navigating the way to hard-to-find toilets.  Image

Anyway I came across a list from Careercast of the ten most stressful jobs.

1. Enlisted soldier
2. Firefighter
3. Airline pilot
4. Military general
5. Police officer
6. Event coordinator
7. Public relations exec
8. Corporate exec
9. Photojournalist
10. Taxi driver

And this is their list of the least most stressful jobs:

1. Medical technician
2. Jeweler
3. Hair stylist
4. Dressmaker-tailor
5. Medical lab tech
6. Audiologist
7. Precision assembler
8. Dietitian
9. Furniture upholsterer
10. Electrical technician

Agree or disagree?  And where does your job fit? Image

1. Surface clean living room and kitchen (pick up stray items, dust, vacuum, sweep)
2. Clean bathrooms (toilets, showers, floors, walls, mirrors)
3. Surface clean bedrooms (put away toys, clothes, dust)
4. Surface clean “extra” rooms (basement, office, play room)
5. Surface clean living room and kitchen
6. Clean bathrooms
7. Clean all interior windows (white vinegar and newspaper works great and is cheap!)
8. Sweep and vacuum all floors in the house (don’t forget stairs)
9. Surface clean bedrooms
10. Deep clean living room (mirrors, baseboards, dust artwork)
11. Clean bathrooms
12. Clean out closets (hang up clothes, mittens, jackets, hats)
13. Surface clean “extra” rooms
14. Deep clean bedrooms (organize drawers, check under bed, tidy closet, dust artwork, fans, lights, mop)
15. Surface clean living room and kitchen
16. Deep clean bathrooms (clean inside drawers, inside of trash cans, tops of mirrors, tile, mop)
17. Clean all door knobs, phones, entertainment equipment (remote controls), switch plates, banisters and other things that are repeatedly touched.
18. Clean out the refrigerator, take stock of food, organize pantry
19. Clean entryway, sweep porch (if you have one), clean out car (because they’re often our home away from home)
20. Surface clean living room and kitchen
21. Surface clean bathrooms
22. Surface clean bedrooms
23. Sweep and vacuum all floors in the house
24. Clean linen closet, straighten towels, sheets or regular closet if not applicable
25. Surface clean living room and kitchen
26. Deep clean kitchen (scrub appliances, wash trash cans, base boards, wipe down and straighten cabinets)
27. Surface clean bathrooms
28. Surface clean bedrooms
29. Clean one item you’ve been meaning to get to and haven’t (deep clean your stove, wipe down all light fixtures, tackle a particularly unruly area)
30. Sweep and vacuum all floors in the house Image

That all said, I admit to having a cleaning lady, but she’s a bit old and forgetful and she often doesn’t do stuff like clean the toilets and wash basins. So I do it when I come home from work. She does brilliant ironing though. I’d rather clean the toilet than iron. I really hate ironing. And she’s really sweet.

Anyway in a non-judgey way I realise that some people are a bit challenged when it comes to the cleaning department, sort of in the where in the hell do I start department, so I’ve found this info from the delightfully named Apartment Therapy that might help those of you who’ve made keeping the house clean a resolution. I’ll run the rest of it tomorrow.

• Deal with what comes through the door Set up a small area by the front door to act as a landing strip for incoming items into your home.
• Do your dishes after every meal This will help you stay on top of your kitchen instead of having it turn into a monster! No one really wants to do them (after all, you probably cooked dinner to boot). But waiting for another meal or until you have enough to fill the dishwasher just makes things feel overwhelming and easier to put off. The same goes for take out rubbish as well. If you need to take the rubbish out, place it by the front door to go out in the morning or dispose of it that night so it’s over and done with.
• Laundry If you have a washer and dryer at home, do a little bit each day. Spread things out so you don’t feel bogged down by 200 towels and stinky socks. If you take things to a laundromat, sort clothes as you go so things are easier to load up into machines when you get there. Fold them before you come home so you aren’t dumping baskets out on your sofa or bed and they can go straight into drawers and closets.
• Whistle while you work: Those who are happiest when cleaning are few and far between. Singing, humming, whistling or turning up the stereo are all great options to keep the beat in your feet and have fun while working. (Sadly I do not do this as everyone laughs at me and who can hear over the sound of the vacuum cleaner?)
• Set a timer: Most items on the list below should take no more than 20 minutes total. It’s easy to rationalize 20 minutes, but it’s also easy to get distracted by phone calls, emails, children and other projects that call your name as you tackle each chore. Set a timer for 5 or 10 minutes (which ever works best for you) and that way when it sounds you know exactly how much time you have left. If you find yourself off task it’s easy to get back on track.

I’ll add the following.

• Chuck out the newspaper and junk mail every day. Do the same for bottles. You don’t want your mother to think you’re an alcoholic when she see’s all the wine bottles lined up on the bench. Likewise for chucking them out en masse. Your neighbours will think you have a little problem.
• Deal with bills as soon as they come in if you can. Bad karma all those bills lying around the place. Pay them, file them. Get them out of sight.
• Put your clothes away before you go to bed. Put them in the laundry basket, hang them up if you’re rewearing them. Your floor is not a wardrobe. Same for shoes, find them a home and send them there.

Now if only I could get my family to read this. Image

Following is this week’s Gen X Girl weekly column that appears in the Townsville Bulletin’s Savvy magazine.

I had a houseful of Gen Ys over after Christmas. They all woke up distinctly green tinged, hoarse voiced and shaking hands. “Hangover” they all declared before proceeding to mope around the house, getting in the way and tiring me with their whinging.

People with hangovers really annoy me. As any good Gen X person knows, hangovers are not a badge of honour for our generation. A hangover is a sign of weakness. If you drink, you have a duty not to show it the next day.

So with New Year’s Eve festivities bearing down on us, I have devised my top 10 hangover cures. (Disclaimer: I am not a doctor nor do I claim to be. I am a drinker who prides herself on never getting hangovers. These cures were acquired by years of trial and error. Use at your own risk).

1. Vanilla milkshake and a chicko roll. I know it sounds disgusting but the milk puts a lining on your stomach, the vanilla flavour is full of sugar and the oil-soaked pastry gives sustenance. The cabbage in chicko rolls is a blood purifier.
2. Coke and fish and chips. It must be full strength Coke and the fish and chips must be accompanied by vinegar and tomato sauce. A perfectly balanced meal of carbs, protein and fat.
3. Dehydration powder, water and asprin mixed together in one glass. The dehydration powder (the stuff you take when you get diarrhoea) replenishes your electrolytes, the asprin is a pain killer and water rehydrates you.
4. Milk thistle. You can buy this herb from the chemist or health food store. The instructions say to take one with each meal. I prefer to take about five when I come home after a big night out and another five when I get up. Then I pop them all day. I repeat I am not a doctor so you should probably follow the directions on the bottle.
5. Drink a Bloody Mary. This is how I make them. Pour a nip of vodka in the bottom of a glass, add ice, fill the glass with V8 Hot and Spicy, sprinkle in a little Tabasco and a squeeze of lemon. Stir and drink. Repeat as often as necessary.
6. Cherry ripe and Coke. This is a variation on the fish and chip combination, but is ideal for those with a sweet tooth. The combination of caffeine, sugar and fat has curative properties.
7. Drink a slug of water as soon as you get home from a night out. Don’t do this the next day. Water is poison the day after drinking unless you add things like sugar to it. But the night before—as much as you can get down.
8. Go for a swim and put you head under water. It’s very peaceful under water and your inflamed brain cells shrink from the cold.
9. Drink some Gatorade. If you can tolerate drinking something that colour with a hangover, you can do anything.
10. Drink a Gold stubby. This is only for the truly desperate. It’s can’t be any other type of beer and don’t even think of drinking it from a can. It must be an ice cold Gold stubby with condensation on the side.

Choose one or choose them all. Happy New Year. Image

This is my weekly Gen X Girl column from the Townville Bulletin’s Savvy magazine.

Well it’s that time of the year again. We’re all scratching our heads trying to think of presents for our loved ones, and I’m here to help. Well I’m not going to help you. I’m going to help Santa find the perfect gift for some prominent Aussies who may have been naughty or nice this year.

Soon to be married Shane Warne. For you Warnie I gift a Twitter ban. Now I know that you are addicted to Twitter and enjoy sharing every banality of your relationship with Ms Hurley (and by the way congratulations on bagging her), but given your history with phones, you’re bound to blow it. So no more Twitter for you. Look what happened to Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore.

Cricketer Ricky Ponting. A gift of dignified retirement and every bit of news footage featuring Darren Lockyer in the last six months. That way you will have a practical and perfect example of how retirement should be handled properly.

Prime Minister Julia Gillard. For you Ms Gillard I gift Obama-inspired manchester. The item I have in mind features President Obama’s head and chest spread across a pillowcase. That way you can lay your head on his manly chest and slip him a quick kiss or two as you bed down for the night. Sweet dreams.

Champion racehorse Black Caviar. For you I gift the title of Australian of the Year. I can see nothing wrong with giving a racehorse the title. Can anyone out there even name the 2011 Australian of the Year?

Tennis player Sam Stosur. Another tennis grand slam victory for you Samantha. You proved yourself a worthy competitor and an inspirational winner. Such a breath of fresh air after those grunting Russians and injury-faking Williams sisters.

Hurdler Sally Pearson. Oh this is an easy one. For you Sally a gold medal at the Olympics next year. Quite simply, you deserve it. Go Sally.

Rugby league coach Wayne Bennet. Oh Wayne, you went with the money and you’re going to have to earn it. Nathan Tinkler, Newcastle’s owner, has sacked more people that he’s had hot dinners, and judging by his girth he’s had quite a lot of them. So Wayne I’m gifting you a thick hide. You’re going to need it.

Queensland Roar soccer team. I’m giving you the title of Queensland sports team of the year for 2012. You actually deserved it this year, but those mouthy rubgy union people who think that theirs is the only sport, gave it to the Reds. You were robbed.

The Cowboys, the Titans, the Broncos football teams. I gift you a place in the finals. Never again do I want to sit through the dilemma of not having a single team to care about. No wonder a person took to supporting The Roar.

Queensland Premier, Anna Bligh. I gift you an election defeat next year. You’re bored, we’re bored.

Anyone involved in the 2011 natural disasters. I include victims, heroes, emergency service workers and volunteers. I wish for you peace and happiness and absolutely no reason to do anything but relax by the pool during the holiday season.  Image

This is from my weely Gen X Girl column that appears in the Townville Bulletin Savvy magazine.

So the most googled term in 2011—what is love? What a stupid search enquiry. Can you believe that we’ve turned into such an emotionally retarded society that we need to google one of our most base human emotions?

That’s not the only stupid thing I’ve observed this year. Start at the supermarket. Supermarkets have got so stupid that you now have to pay for the privilege of pushing dodgy trolleys around and then have the fun job of scanning and packing your own groceries all the while being bossed around by a voice from a box.

Add to that our limited supermarket choices. At my local supermarket there are only two types of diced tomatoes. Forgive me for sounding like an old person, but back in the day you could choose any number of tinned tomatoes, from fancy Italian ones that were actually grown in New Zealand to thick and rich ones with two generic brands thrown in for good measure. But now, so little choice amongst the canned goods.

Consider marshmallows? Bet that’s a situation that’s doesn’t regularly enter your thought processes, but this is my dilemma last week. I make this fancy little accompaniment to BBQ steak that is based on marshmallows (stop screwing up your face—it’s good). Anyway I like to make this dish from white marshmallows, but there is no longer such a thing as solo white marshmallows. They are mixed in with strawberry ones and peach flavoured ones. I can’t use the pink and orange ones as they make my fancy pants dish look like a bowl of vomit so I have to buy three packets just to get the white ones. And then I’m stuck with all these flavoured marshmallows. Who eats peach marshmallows?

Fixed light speed cameras are also stupid. Road toll statistics are at a record high in 2011. Coincidentally the Queensland Government has rolled out even more of these revenue-raising monstrosities. Simple math. More speed cameras does not equate to less road deaths. More speed cameras equates to more money in government coffers.

The passing of the carbon tax is stupid. Good old Australia is leading the way in stopping climate change by this year passing a tax that will make everyday necessities like power and food more expensive. We’re doing this because we need to make a stand. Never mind that that big polluters like the US, Russia and China aren’t doing anything at all, the Australian government is making a stand on behalf of the world. Oh and so is Finland and Costa Rica.

Actually the whole federal government is stupid. We have an elected government who is totally dominated by the minority party and independents that it needs to actually govern. Our prime minister by proxy Bob Browne gets kudos for the carbon tax, outing our real Prime Minister as a liar. Australia’s dominant legislation for 2011? Gay marriage and poker machine licences. Not the economy and asylum seekers.

These are just a few issues for stupid 2011. To be fair it didn’t look promising from the beginning with it being the year of the rabbit, the year of the flood and the year of the cyclone. But we did get some cool dates like 11/11/11. That was a highlight. Image

I was unpacking the dishwasher the other day, throwing a little tantrum in my mind about the cups. Why can’t dishwasher manufacturers get the slope of the cup holders right? If they could just manage that I wouldn’t spill the water that has pooled on the bases all over the kitchen floor. And as I write this it occurs to me that that is a perfect example of a first world problem.

Urban dictionary defines a first world problem as problems arising from living in wealthy industrialized nations that third worlders would probably just roll their eyes at. It’s also known as white whine.

Anyway I know that many of my first world problems are meaningless and trivial and I dare say selfish, but really what’s a Gen X Girl to do if she can’t complain. So find following my Top 10 First World Problems.

1. Because it’s Christmas time I have to stop buying myself all the things I want just so that people can have something that they buy me as a gift.
2. There’s nothing to watch on Foxtel. I pay for the service yet there is nothing to watch on 50 channels. There’s also nothing to record so I have to watch really, really bad TV, repeats and sometimes even advertisements.
3. My internet is slow. It takes ages for pages to upload. By then I’ve got bored and opened a whole lot of other slow loading pages just to pass the time. Then the computer freezes.
4. Everyone looks short and fat on my TV. This is especially bad when I’m showing holiday photos on my flat screen. I look short and my behind looks wide. The only comforting thing about this is that Kim Kardashian looks like that too. Stupid TV. I expect more from it.
5. I have to take the long way round the shopping centre to avoid the charity muggers. No you cannot pester me into donating to your charity. Didn’t your mother tell you it was rude to ask for things?
6. My purse is heavy because of all the five-cent coins I have in it. I despise the five-cent so much that I can’t be bothered to bend down to pick it up when I drop it. It’s not worth my while.
7. I hate it when the barista mixes up the order and gives me full fat milk when I specifically ordered a skinny flat white. Full fat milk tastes horrible and ruins my cup of coffee. Then I have to chuck it out.
8. Someone gave me a watermelon the other day. It had seeds in it. I couldn’t be bothered dealing with the seeds so I threw it out. Watermelon seeds spoil my enjoyment of watermelon eating.
9. I hate being nagged by my coffee machine. It tells me to empty the grounds container, fill the water, find some beans. Why do I have to do all the hard work?
10. Sunscreen makes me sweaty and hot. I don’t want to get skin cancer, but I don’t want to be hot. What to do?

Yep, selfish and shallow. So what are your first world problems? Image

This is my column from this week’s Savvy magazine, that appears in the Townsville Bulletin.

The letter box is full of junk mail, the shopping centre carparks are full and there’s the ubiquitous hum of Jingle Bells playing in the background. It can only mean one thing—time for the work Christmas party.

Now in the olden days, work Christmas parties were fun-filled affairs with the office junior donning the Santa suit and Betty, the office manager, dressing up like sexy Mrs Claus. The party operated a bit along the mantra that what goes on tour stays on tour.

However, Workplace Health and Safety have just delivered an edict to employers warning them that any injuries or incidents occurring as a result of the work Christmas party are the responsibility of the employer. That’s the quickest way I know of to put the kibosh on free grog. Who’s going to let their staff get tanked if they’re responsible for seeing them off safely? It will be Coke all the way for some staff, and I do mean the stuff you drink.

The Law Institute of Victoria has gone so far as to compile a list of guidelines for employers that will ensure a litigation-free party. Suggestions include putting start and finish times in writing, employers setting a good example by drinking in moderation (hmm, lawyers, always a good example of those who practise drinking in moderation), encouraging non-drinkers to be designated drivers (yep, you don’t get to drink AND you get to drive drunks home—fun, fun, fun) and discouraging inappropriate behaviour.

So there’s the fun police version of what you should and shouldn’t do at the office party. However, in the interests of common sense, I have made a top ten list of things you might like to consider.

1. Beer goggles. Remember that you are wearing them after your third glass of wine. Your judgment is impaired, your vision is impaired and you are not in control. Stay away from the office assistants.
2. Photocopying your bum is not a good idea. A photocopied bum is not a thing of beauty. Do you want 100 copies of yours papering the office? Thought not.
3. Pole dancing should be for strip clubs and trendy exercise classes. Do not gyrate around the support columns in the office no matter how hot you think you will look.
4. Wear appropriate clothes, it’s a work party, not a singles bar. And do you really want your boss looking at your boobs?
5. Keep your clothes on. Please.
6. Don’t hit on anyone. Again it’s an office do, not a singles bar. Do you really want to deal with the repercussions of Kevin in acquisitions thinking you really, really, really like him?
7. Drink, but not too much. If you don’t drink you look like a wowser. If you drink too much you look like, well, a drunk. It’s a fine line. Good luck.
8. Don’t talk about work. Eek, kill me now. And add your children to that. Remember only you and their grandparents find them fascinating.
9. Don’t hog the food. This includes stalking the waitress with the canapé tray. Double dipping is a hangable offence.
10. Don’t be unsociable. Standing around looking like you are sucking a lemon makes you look like a snotty cow. Remove the stick from your behind and perhaps go and photocopy it.

Image

To my father, Spam was canned ham. To my daughter, it’s naughty, annoying email. Here are 21 more expressions which mean something totally different to him than to her.

Tweet
To my father: what a bird says.
To my kid: what Kim Kardashian says.
Pre-game
To my father: the period before the actual game began.
To my kid: drinking before the actual drinking begins.
CD
To my father: ‘certificate of deposit,’ a financial product that once earned interest.
To my kid: what parents used to listen to music on before iTunes.
Stream
To my father: running water in the woods. (Later in life, the efficiency of his bladder to evacuate.)
To my kid: what gets Justin Bieber performing on her computer screen.
Like
To my father: a positive sentiment, generally about a person, place or thing.
To my kid: a “button” (on Facebook) expressing one’s vote of agreement.
Text
To my father: the original words of something written or printed.
To my kid: phone message made up of the letters OMG, LOL & WTF.
Junk
To my father: the stuff in one’s attic.
To my kid: the stuff in one’s pants.
Chat
To my father: what you do in person with friends.
To my kid: what you do on a computer with buddies.
Social network
To my father: friends and neighbors with whom you actually hang out.
To my kid: people you “know” on Facebook and Twitter, most of whom you’ve never met.
#
To my father: number sign
To my kid: hashtag
Roaming
To my father: What the buffalo did on the range.
To my kid: Excessive phone charges, paid by parent.
Swipe
To my father: to steal.
To my kid: what you do with a credit card, also paid by parent.
The shit
To my father: what a dog left on the sidewalk.
To my kid: something awesome.
The bomb
To my father: Hiroshima.
To my kid: also something awesome.
Reality
To my father: the state of things as they actually exist.
To my kid: TV shows that bear no resemblance to the state of things as they actually exist.
The Jersey Shore
To my father: The beach where Jersey people went in the summer.
To my kid: A “reality” show featuring halfwits exhibiting bad behavior.
The situation
To my father: A state of affairs.
To my kid: Asinine guy with great abdominals, exhibiting bad behavior.
Digital
To my father: A thermometer.
To my kid: An entire way of life, dude.
Weed
To my father: what grew on the lawn.
To my kid: what the kids bring to school.
Get Busy
To my father: To occupy yourself.
To my kid: To occupy yourself having sex.
Cougar
To my father: Large wild cat preying on deer.
To my kid: Older wild woman preying on younger men.
Muffin top
To my father: Top of a muffin.
To my kid: Fat role around the waist.
Gangster, now as “gangsta”
To my father: Al Capone.
To my kid: Fifty Cent (aka “Fitty”).
Fifty
To my father: 50.
To my kid: The new 40.
Sick
To my father: Physically ill.
To my kid: Fantastic.
Ill
To my father: Physically sick.
To my kid: Also fantastic.
Ecstasy
To my father: A trance-like state of absolute euphoria.
To my kid: A pill, to produce a trance-like state of absolute euphoria.
Energy Drink
To my father: Coffee.
To my kid: Red Bull.
Vietnam
To my father: Horrendous war.
To my kid: Wonderful tourist destination.
Crib
To my father: Where a baby sleeps.
To my kid: Where a rapper sleeps.
ED
To my father: Talking horse of old TV show (“A horse is a horse, of course of course…”)
To my kid: Erectile dysfunction (“Seek immediate medical attention for an erection lasting over four hours.”)
Wicked
To my father: Very bad.
To my kid: Very good.
Train wreck
To my father: A train that was wrecked.
To my kid: Lindsay Lohan

Can you think of any more? Image