When did we take away our children’s responsibilities and blame everyone but them for their failures. And conversely why don’t we credit those very same people with children’s successes.

I think we’re doing our kids a massive disservice.

The IV bit is from the couples love of the Roman numeral for four not for IV as in drip. Honestly I thought the child was named after a rehydrating product Blue IV. “Nurse, get me the blue IV, stat!”

Doesn’t matter though. She’s Beyonce’s and Jay-Z’s kid. She has coolness bred into her. She’ll survive the medical jokes.

In a tribute to American royalty (aka the Kardashian sisters), K names are all the rage in the US at the moment. Karis, Kay’lyn, Kristina, Kyren, Kalylah, and Khloe have all made the cut for baby names in 2012. Calling your child Kalylah is rather cruel and I predict that she will sue her idiot parents and the Kardashians at a later date. Heck all the K kids could implement a klass action (sorry). Image

The following is my Gen X Girl column that appears in the Townsville Bulletin’s Savvy magazine.

Apparently the world is going to end this year so I’m a bit hesitant about making New Year’s resolutions. Seems a bit of a waste to deprive oneself of alcohol and cheese to lose 10 kilos only to die before you get to show off about it.

However I will make resolutions, as I’m actually quite successful at it. Take last year’s resolution for example— to give up broccoli. Now some of you might think that’s an easy thing to do, but broccoli crops up everywhere. I spent the whole year vigilantly searching through my Thai food for the sneaky little green things so that I could chuck them out. I didn’t even cast a sideways glance at them as I passed them in the fruit and vege section.

It was difficult as everywhere I turned there was a news story touting broccoli as a superfod so resisting it took quite a lot of willpower. Despite it being quite a challenging resolution I did give up broccoli for a whole year and I feel a large sense of achievement because of it.

According to statistics however I am one of the few people who actually managed to achieve my resolution. I blame ambition and timing for this. Why on earth do people choose to go for the big things like giving up smoking the very day that they are suffering the best and first hangover of the year?

Willpower is low, craving is high and setting that goal to start on January 1 can only lead to a massive fail. What I propose is that no resolutions should be made or begun before January 7. That gives everyone the time and energy to continue to have a guilt free holiday hit out before the year really begins. Win-win situation.

I also suggest that people set their sights a little lower in order to achieve success. Now going for big stuff like giving up broccoli is only for seasoned professionals like me. If you struggle to keep your resolutions aim low. That’s why I suggest you give up prunes. Prunes, like broccoli are a superfood, so there’s still the challenge, but you won’t have to be picking out of your takeaway meals only your muesli. You will have to close your eyes tight as you walk past the packaged prunes at Coles, but I have every confidence in your ability to say no to prunes all year.

This success and sense of achievement will then lead you to making more ambitious resolutions for following years. Now you could go all unimaginative and do what everyone else does–boring stuff like lose weight, get fit, the aforementioned quitting smoking and other hohum stuff but you’re an individual—be your own person.

This year I tossed up all those things and added quite a few of my own like watching less TV and realising that alcohol is not a large slice of the healthy food pyramid, but that’s not how I want to sally forth into the new year.

So this is what I came up with. Every week, I am going to drink a bottle of French champagne. It could be difficult but I reckon I’m up to the task. After all, what’s life without a bit of challenge? Happy 2012

 I used to think it was pretty cute that my dog liked to do the downward dog while I was doing this. Sort of like synchronised yoga.

Until I saw this clip of a cat doing yoga with its owner.

My dog and I–underwhelming fail. Image

Watch the clip.  It’s even funnier if you just listen it it. Image

I was unpacking the dishwasher the other day, throwing a little tantrum in my mind about the cups. Why can’t dishwasher manufacturers get the slope of the cup holders right? If they could just manage that I wouldn’t spill the water that has pooled on the bases all over the kitchen floor. And as I write this it occurs to me that that is a perfect example of a first world problem.

Urban dictionary defines a first world problem as problems arising from living in wealthy industrialized nations that third worlders would probably just roll their eyes at. It’s also known as white whine.

Anyway I know that many of my first world problems are meaningless and trivial and I dare say selfish, but really what’s a Gen X Girl to do if she can’t complain. So find following my Top 10 First World Problems.

1. Because it’s Christmas time I have to stop buying myself all the things I want just so that people can have something that they buy me as a gift.
2. There’s nothing to watch on Foxtel. I pay for the service yet there is nothing to watch on 50 channels. There’s also nothing to record so I have to watch really, really bad TV, repeats and sometimes even advertisements.
3. My internet is slow. It takes ages for pages to upload. By then I’ve got bored and opened a whole lot of other slow loading pages just to pass the time. Then the computer freezes.
4. Everyone looks short and fat on my TV. This is especially bad when I’m showing holiday photos on my flat screen. I look short and my behind looks wide. The only comforting thing about this is that Kim Kardashian looks like that too. Stupid TV. I expect more from it.
5. I have to take the long way round the shopping centre to avoid the charity muggers. No you cannot pester me into donating to your charity. Didn’t your mother tell you it was rude to ask for things?
6. My purse is heavy because of all the five-cent coins I have in it. I despise the five-cent so much that I can’t be bothered to bend down to pick it up when I drop it. It’s not worth my while.
7. I hate it when the barista mixes up the order and gives me full fat milk when I specifically ordered a skinny flat white. Full fat milk tastes horrible and ruins my cup of coffee. Then I have to chuck it out.
8. Someone gave me a watermelon the other day. It had seeds in it. I couldn’t be bothered dealing with the seeds so I threw it out. Watermelon seeds spoil my enjoyment of watermelon eating.
9. I hate being nagged by my coffee machine. It tells me to empty the grounds container, fill the water, find some beans. Why do I have to do all the hard work?
10. Sunscreen makes me sweaty and hot. I don’t want to get skin cancer, but I don’t want to be hot. What to do?

Yep, selfish and shallow. So what are your first world problems? Image

This is my column from this week’s Savvy magazine, that appears in the Townsville Bulletin.

The letter box is full of junk mail, the shopping centre carparks are full and there’s the ubiquitous hum of Jingle Bells playing in the background. It can only mean one thing—time for the work Christmas party.

Now in the olden days, work Christmas parties were fun-filled affairs with the office junior donning the Santa suit and Betty, the office manager, dressing up like sexy Mrs Claus. The party operated a bit along the mantra that what goes on tour stays on tour.

However, Workplace Health and Safety have just delivered an edict to employers warning them that any injuries or incidents occurring as a result of the work Christmas party are the responsibility of the employer. That’s the quickest way I know of to put the kibosh on free grog. Who’s going to let their staff get tanked if they’re responsible for seeing them off safely? It will be Coke all the way for some staff, and I do mean the stuff you drink.

The Law Institute of Victoria has gone so far as to compile a list of guidelines for employers that will ensure a litigation-free party. Suggestions include putting start and finish times in writing, employers setting a good example by drinking in moderation (hmm, lawyers, always a good example of those who practise drinking in moderation), encouraging non-drinkers to be designated drivers (yep, you don’t get to drink AND you get to drive drunks home—fun, fun, fun) and discouraging inappropriate behaviour.

So there’s the fun police version of what you should and shouldn’t do at the office party. However, in the interests of common sense, I have made a top ten list of things you might like to consider.

1. Beer goggles. Remember that you are wearing them after your third glass of wine. Your judgment is impaired, your vision is impaired and you are not in control. Stay away from the office assistants.
2. Photocopying your bum is not a good idea. A photocopied bum is not a thing of beauty. Do you want 100 copies of yours papering the office? Thought not.
3. Pole dancing should be for strip clubs and trendy exercise classes. Do not gyrate around the support columns in the office no matter how hot you think you will look.
4. Wear appropriate clothes, it’s a work party, not a singles bar. And do you really want your boss looking at your boobs?
5. Keep your clothes on. Please.
6. Don’t hit on anyone. Again it’s an office do, not a singles bar. Do you really want to deal with the repercussions of Kevin in acquisitions thinking you really, really, really like him?
7. Drink, but not too much. If you don’t drink you look like a wowser. If you drink too much you look like, well, a drunk. It’s a fine line. Good luck.
8. Don’t talk about work. Eek, kill me now. And add your children to that. Remember only you and their grandparents find them fascinating.
9. Don’t hog the food. This includes stalking the waitress with the canapé tray. Double dipping is a hangable offence.
10. Don’t be unsociable. Standing around looking like you are sucking a lemon makes you look like a snotty cow. Remove the stick from your behind and perhaps go and photocopy it.

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I’ve always been one for a fad. If something new comes along, I’m the first one to jump on the bandwagon. Call me gullible, call me credulous, but if there’s something new in town you can guarantee I found it weeks ago, no months ago, gave it a test run and then abandoned it. I may grasp a fad with unbridled enthusiasm, but like a twenty year old after a one-night stand, I quickly move on to a new conquest.

Does anyone remember the kambucha tea craze? I was there. Kambucha tea was elixir of life; ringing any bells all you Gen Xers? Drinking it daily would ensure optimum health, glowing skin, a size ten figure, the secret the universe, and end to poverty—there was nothing it couldn’t do.

For such a wonder product it worked quite simply. You obtained a dinner plate sized mushroom, placed it in a container, covered it with tea and sugar and let it grow for a week in a dark, cool place, then—hey presto, mushroom juice. Sounds like compost, but no, it was the key to a long and healthy life.

Weight loss fads—tried them all—first. Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Atkins, The Zone, and Cabbage Soup are old friends. There’s been green tea, home gyms, and I even had one of the original Jane Fonda tapes which I had to hide from my husband who insisted I fast forward it to the pelvic thrust bit while he watched with his tongue hanging out.

I was the first to aerobic classes. I grapevined right instead of left causing a human pileup in the aerobic room. I was banned. Oh the shame. Since then lots of people have been banished, but it was me who was banished first—I started that fad.

I’ve dabbled in laser eye surgery, chemical peels, facial massage and acupuncture in my quest for youth. I’ve embraced soy, green tea and shark cartilage. I’ve eaten more salmon than a brown bear and I pop fish oil capsules like lollies.

There were a few fads I refused to engage with. I have never had decals on my toenails, I’ve always hated matt lipstick, scrunchies are a crime against hair and there is no way I am ever going to sport a butterfly tattoo on my behind.

There a few things on my fad radar right now—ear candling for one. This is how it works. A burning candle is inserted into the ear (true—I’m not making this up) and wax instantly melts away. I’m not sure where it melts to, but it sounds intriguing. It is also gets rid of headaches. Clean ears and no headaches—it’s got me already.

I’m also keen to give the vibrogym a whirl. Apparently you stand on a vibrating plate and all the shaking gives you defined muscles, eliminates cellulite and is good for your heart health. It has fad, and therefore my name, written all over it.

You probably think I’m a sucker. You’re right, but there’s every chance that there’s a residual effect to all those health and fitness fads and I’ll live to enjoy yet more fads well in to my nineties. You never know I might restart the kambucha tea craze from my vibrating nursing home bed.  Image