Yep, they are putting down their expensively shod feet and declaring the fascinator a big no-no. Oh no. That’s terrible news for me should I be attending Royal Ascot this year, as I am a fan of the fascinator. And so is my favourite person Princess Kate. This will be big news for her since the fascinator bar applies in the Royal Enclosure, and since she’s royal I’m guessing that’s where she’ll be.

I like a fascinator because you avoid the dreaded hat clash. You know the one when you lean in close to your big hat wearing friend and the brims of your hats collide causing both a wardrobe malfuntion and the abandonment of the wonderful piece of gossip you were going to share.

Anyway if you are intending to go to the Royal Enclosure at Ascot this year keep in mind the following dress code, or they won’t let you in.

For women:

• Hats are desirable but anything with a base of less than 4 inches in diameter is not acceptable as a hat. Got that.
• Skirts and dresses need to be of a ‘modest length’ and fall just above the knee or below.
• Pashminas are banned/barred/disallowed.
• Strapless tops (and I assume dresses) are also out.

For men:

• Waistcoat and tie are compulsory.
• No cravats (Matt Preston is not attending in protest).
• Black shoes only. Polished is mandatory.

What do think would happen if Kate lobbed up in a fascinator? Do you think they’d really chuck her out? Probably. They can be very rigid about these sorts of important things. Image

I know why the weight has been slowly creeping up on me. It’s my bloody hair’s fault.

This is what Dr Benjamin said: “Often you get women saying ‘I can’t exercise because I don’t want to sweat my hair back or get my hair wet’. When you’re starting to exercise, you look for reasons not to and sometimes the hair is on of those reasons. I hate the use the term excuse but that’s one of them.”

I think Dr B is being a bit harsh with the looking for excuses line. I don’t look for excuses not to exercise, but I have to admit my hair is a huge factor in when I exercise and what type of exercise I do.

Needless to say there is absolutely no exercise done after I have been to the hairdresser. It’s the one day that my hair looks as it should until the next time I visit my stylist. The next day I think about exercising but my hair still looks ok, the next I might go for a stroll, but the next is hairwashing and styling day–ergo no exercise (because my hair looks good) and so it goes.

I will admit that when my hair was short and less high maintenance I did exercise more. But then I realised that my wash and wear hairdo was making me look like a middle-aged housewife and, as my aspirations are more poor-man Beverly Hills housewife, well the hair got longer and blonder and the arse wider. Cie la vie.

Anyway I just checked out a picture of Dr Benjamin via a lot of research that may have involved the use of Google images. She sports a nifty little professional middle-aged short bob that would take two minutes to style after a session at the gym. It’s quite ugly actually.  Mine however takes a good twenty minutes with the blowdryer and another 15 with the straightener, which I realise by many people’s standards is not much, but by mine–a lifetime.

So in the interests of personal grooming may I suggest yoga. Lots of downward dogging and stuff, but you hardly raise a sweat. Image

According to a 2000 strong study conducted by social networking site, Badoo,a blue-eyed, size 14 brunette is the ideal woman. Sixty percent of respondents selected dark hair as their ideal, 30 percent went for the blonde, and sorry all you red-heads out there, only 8.8 percent rate the ranga.

The news on size is heartening though. Only 10 percent of men want their women in the size 6-8 range with and majority coming in with a preference for the average size 12-14.

So who is the ideal woman. The Daily Mail suggests The Only Way is Essex star Lauren Goodger who meets the three desirable attributes of the study. Physicality aside she seems very high maintence does Lauren.

But that’s a topic for a whole new stupid study. Image

You know everyone can carry on all they like about how 40 is the new 30, but I’m here to tell you 40 is a big fat drain on your time.

• My twice daily skincare regime takes forever. Cleanse and dry, apply serum, apply another serum, moisturise, eye cream, lip cream and sunscreen. At night I do it all again except I omit the sunscreen but apply a lip serum. Every second night I add exfoliation into the mix and just for fun I’m now using a sonic cleanser that is supposed to do wonderous things. I’m still waiting for all these miracles to do something good to my face. This takes about 15 tp 20 minutes. Fifteen minutes that I used to use to sleep.
• It now takes me 15 minutes instead of 5 to do my makeup in the mornings. This is because I spend an large amount of time applying foundation with my foundation brush in a motion similar to a plasterer applying spackle. I won’t even go into the use of colour corrector. Three colours to correct the varying redness, black circles, and just for fun the occasional spot.
• I no longer leap out of bed ready to face the day as my eyes snap open. Now the use of an espresso is utilised before my feet even hit the floor. Then there is a series of complicated yoga poses that include downward dog, the dolphin and spinal twist just to put some movement into my poor, old aching back.
• Pulling my hair up into a pony tail no longer counts as hair styling. There is a complicated procedure of blonde shampoo and conditioner, wide tooth combing after the liberal application of moroccan oil, blowdrying and then straightening. And it’s still got knots in it from all the chemical abuse I subject it to. But I will not go grey cause then I’ll look old as well as feel it.
• Pre-40 I used to take a vitamin pill. Now I take oroxine (for my underactive thyroid), fish oil, magnesium, probiotics, digestive enzymes, resveratrol and a multivitamin. I rattle when I walk. I hope that they are doing me good otherwise I have very expensive pee.

I could go on and on, but I’ll stop because I have to focus on positive feelings, meditation and sudoku so I don’t get Alzheimer’s.

So don’t believe it. Forty is not the new 30. It’s just a big black time sucking hole. Image

I love makeovers. Love TV makeover shows more for that matter. Property, people, lifestyles—I’m all over them. Just so long that some that was previously in need of some serious attention comes out looking all better at the end of it. Magic in my eyes.

So you can imagine my absolute fascination with the new public spectacle: The Beautification of Shane Warne—From Bogan to Baron. OK, I made that title up but I’m keeping copy write on it. I see a reality show in the wings. And I also hear the sound of beer cans around the country being crumpled in disbelief as Australia’s CUBBY (cashed up bogan) king icon goes all metrosexual.

It’s all that Elizabeth Hurley’s fault. She’s the one who got her sticky mitts all over Warnie and papered off the rough edges. And what has emerged from the chrysalis that was the drinking, smoking and ample-gutted Warnie grub? Why a butterfly so slick and smooth that he could go straight to Madam Tussaud’s Wax Museum without ever having to pose.

Do you remember Warnie BE (Before Elizabeth)? There was the cricketer’s tan, the wrinkles around the eyes, the fairly decent beer belly and the gelled up, highlighted Yeah-Yeah hair. He also sported calloused thumbs, not so much from bowling, but from texting, or should that be sexting, up a storm.

So what’s changed? Well the sexting has stopped, cleverly replaced by an addiction to Twitter that has unfortunately given us more information about Elizabeth and Shane’s private life than New Idea ever could.

The beer gut is gone, disappeared, no more. Apparently this is due to Elizabeth putting Shane on a diet that included lots of wheat grass. The diet was also conducted via Twitter so, just in case we were interested, we could share in Warnie’s weight loss journey. “Feel like a hot pie with copious amounts of sauce with crinkle cut chips!! What’s the best pie?” he tweeted, followed with: “NO Shane!! 78kg is target currently 82.5. Settle on a protein shake with an apple and banana – sob.” Gosh it sounds like he was having fun. But it has worked because he apparently lost 10kg. Well done, Warnie.

Warnie’s tan is nice and even now, as is his wrinkle-free face. Has someone been hitting the Fraxel laser and Botox? Well no–it’s all due to the magic effects of cosmetic company Estee Lauder’s moisturisers. I know this because Warnie tweeted it. Elizabeth gave us more specific information about the particular moisturiser when she further tweeted “So glad the Estée Lauder Resilience Lift moisturiser is working & everyone thinks you’ve had a face lift.” Would it surprise you to know that Elizabeth is the face of Estee Lauder. I see a big Christmas bonus for Liz.

Anyway like any good makeover show Warnie had his big unveiling at Elton John’s White Tie and Tiara Ball. He trotted out in his beautifully cut tuxedo, hair slicked back and de-highlighted. His eyebrows were waxed and there was a suggestion of mascara and guy-liner. Mascara! Guyliner!

And there is the picture complete—Shane Warne, trophy wife. Image

This particular BCC was conveniently located right above the arch of my eyebrow making surgery disfiguring. Anyway I’m saving the surgery for the other two BCC’s I have on my shoulder. They appeared in the six months since I was last checked.

So here I am in a skin-cancer induced horror. All I can say is use your sunscreen. Oh that’s right I did, I always have and I still get the bloody things–being fair and freckly and living in Queensland will do that.

Anyway I’m very, very cranky. I now look like someone has branded me with a hair straighener, am walking around with a big bandaid on my eye and yes and am $350 poorer for the privilege. That’s money I won’t be getting back from Medicare or my health fund because this procedure is deemed cosmetic surgery. Ha! If only I was getting a boob job or an eye lift. But no–I’m eradicating skin cancer.

If you are interested this is what PDT treatment is. PDT is Photodynamic Therapy. The brochure describes it as non-surgical treatment for skin cancer. It apparently provides excellent cosmetic results and is non-invasive. Some people don’t get side effects but others get local discomfort at the treatment site. (Guess who got side effects?)

This is what will happen during a PDT treatment.

1. Simple preparation of the lesion.
2. Application of the light activated cream to the lesion.
3. Exposure of the lesion to a special red light.

Easy peasy. But oh so understated.

This is what really happens.

1. Local anaesthic injected into the site.
2. BCC is curretted (ie skin is roughed up with a scalpel)
3. Cream is applied and wound covered.
4. Patient is sent away to bake for 3-4 hours and warned to stay out of the sun.
5. One hour before returning, administer painkillers in preparation for procedure.
6. Wound then uncovered, cream removed.
7. Local anaesthetic injected into site.
8. Red light is applied for about 8 minutes. Patient and treating staff wear goggles to protect eyes.
9. Site is redressed.

OK, so none of this hurt very much. It was uncomfortable. There was a bit of swelling. But as I walked out the door the pain hit. And it felt like a knife being twisted around.  Paracetemol did not help. Wine did.

So day four this is what I look like (I can’t show you a photo because everyone in my family keeps blanching when they look at the wound). I have a bright red burn about 5cm by 3cm around my eyebrow. The BCC sit looks like a flat, festering blister.

I treat it twice a day with saline solution and cover it with a bandaid. Last night while I was bathing it, all the eyebrow hairs at the site washed away too. I have a semi bald eyebrow.

And guess what? In a month I have to back up all over again. Yep same procedure, probably the same after effects and another $350.

It’s going to make the plastic surgery on my shoulder look like a walk in the park (with my hat and sunscreen). Image

I’m with her on that. I know what clothes to whack on but my hair. Drives me nuts. The day I win Powerball is the day I hire my own private full-time be-on-call-any-time-I-want hairdresser. (I also want a full time driver too but that doesn’t really fit into the theme of this post).

She’s been coping a bit of flak for her wardrobe choices apparently. All that recycling is not the thing. I’m not sure that I agree with that criticism. I think she’s doing it about right. What’s wrong with recycling clothes? Especially in the time of austerity. For that is what the British Government has recommended in tough economic times and good on Kate for setting the right example.

It’s not as though every outfit that she trots out in has been seen before. Take the beautiful Jenny Packham dress that she wore to her first official ball. Ooops, that’s right it was seen before. On Blair Waldorf on Gossip Girl, but the real princess did it better.

I love the way that Princess Kate wears the High Street fashion. Isn’t that such an English term. The High Street. Not High Street but THE High Street. The Reiss brand and Zara possibly have a shrine to her hidden away for employees to worship at given the boost she has given to their company profits.

However not everyone agrees with me about the dresser bit. These are two comments from the Daily Mail site.

So instead of having a lady in waiting she’s having the private secretary take on more duties like collecting gifts and flowers. Like he doesn’t already have enough to do making sure everything runs smoothly as the royal couple go from one event to the next. It doesn’t sound like a good deal to me. And, the dresser doesn’t just pick out her clothes, he makes sure their packed and ironed for her and deals with forgotten item. Little things, but still things that Kate won’t have the time to do, and neither will the private secretary who already has a job.

and

Actually there should be both a dresser and a lady-in-waiting along on all Royal trips. A dresser is a highly skilled job and is exactly like that of a ward robe mistress in the theater. Anyone trained as a Royal dresser has the potential to later work in the theater, on film sets and so forth. A Royal personage, like an actor on stage, has not time to iron out his or her clothes, to sow on a button, to neatly pack a suitcase etc because they have their official duties to carry out. Likewise a lady-in-waiting has a practical task akin to that of a dresser ie to see that everything functions properly. The more people employed by the Royals the less unemployment. In this age of the machine we need jobs that only human beings can do as opposed to robots etc Also these Royal jobs bring with them accommodation – a real plus in these days of high rents.

Oooh, guess who’s been watching too much Downton Abbey? And call me radical but I’m fairly confident Kate knows how to run an iron over a skirt and steam a jacket in the shower. Image 

Imagine, companies like say Nokia would make phone ads with Barba (said love child’s name) as the main feature. And they could clone her and have lots of Barbas.  Image

Well imagine no more as Nokia has done it already. Here’s the clip.

So, would headspinning, tattooed, multiple Barba convince you to buy a phone? That would be no from me.

I got my hair straightened the other day. One of those Keratin things with all the formaldahyde in it. Well I’m pretty sure there is formaldahyde in it–you know the stuff they suspend dead animals in. When I walked into the salon it looked like a bar circa 1986, there was some much smoke blowing around. Anyway, turns out it wasn’t smoke it was fumes from the hair treatment. Someone give those staff members gas masks.

So right now, I’m right off the straight hair (mostly because I want everything I don’t have). I want volume and bounce and those fall-y out-y curls like the women on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

And I’ve found a way to do it, I just don’t have the cash. The clever people who brought us the GHD straightener have brought out a new product called The O under their new company name of Cloud Nine. Any way The O is what happens when a velcro roller meets a hot roller that heats super quick and doesn’t burn the shit out of you when it accidentally hits the top of your ear. And miracle of miracle, nice bouncy hair in the blink of an eye. Click here  to see how they work.

I want The O. Right now. I’m sick of this stinky straight do that I’ve got at the moment. I want to look like a Beverly Hills Housewife. Image