Those sorts of behaviour tend to make me want to walk out. Actually there is no tend about it. I do. And don’t go back for quite a while. And then I tell everyone I know about it.

I suspend cafes and restaurants. That means I will not darken its door, part with one cent of my cash for a given period of time (usually until I have forgotten how bad it was). One local wine bar is currently suspended for six months. Another has just come back from a year long suspension. I’m pleased to say it has lifted its game. It’s actually come to the state where my friends want to know which places are suspended so they can too avoid them, or at least avoid trying to meet me there as I won’t go.

The thing that is really annoying me at the moment though is the corkage charge. Now I don’t mind paying corkage. Especially when a place has a liquor licence. Corkage is fair. It’s especially fair when you are provided with a wine bucket, some decent glasses, the wine is untwisted and a bonus if the waiter treats your drop like it’s been purchased from their own winelist. However when I was charged $10 a head corkage at a new, unlicensed restaurant AND I had to ask for a wine bucket, glasses and then open and pour myself, well let’s just say I was little miffed. I haven’t suspended it but I only eat breakfast there now (even I don’t drink wine at breakfast).

Seems I’m not alone in this general jack-offedness about restuarants. One critic says that he wants to take a bottle of white-out to restuarants so that he can white out the unavailable wine choices that although on the list are usally unavailabe. Another mentions an EATING/DONE EATING sign that they can put out so that waiters get the general idea.

I’d personally like to add my own YES sign to flash at waiters as they invariably swoop in to ask if I’m enjoying my meal right when I filled my mouth up with food. Actually I wish they’d just go away. I’ll let them know if I’m not enjoying my meal or my clean plate will tell them that I did. See old and grumpy.

So here are some other ideas that critics (via the SMH) have suggested to improve the dining experience.

• Torch so you can read menus in dim lighting.
• Wedge to put under wobbly table legs.
• Sunscreen and hat for when you’re seated outside under an umbrella but the sun moves.
• Cardigan for over-airconditioning.
• Spare reading glasses: for the dimwit in every middle-aged group (eg my husband) who forgets to bring theirs and has to get their long-suffering partner (eg me) to read the whole menu to them.
• Pepper grinder: when you want control over how much pepper goes on your food, and when.
• Spare knife and fork: for when yours falls on the floor from those big white bowls that everything slips off.
• Whistle to attract waiters.
• Matches for lighting unlit table candles and in case you forget the torch (see above).
• GPS for navigating the way to hard-to-find toilets.  Image

Actually in my vast experience in schools there are four general types of lunches for kids. Sometimes they overlap with each other, but most time the consistent four win out over the year.

1. The gourmet lunchbox filled with asparagus quiche made with wholemeal pastry, organic asparagus and lactose free milk, a . bowl of raspberries, etc, etc. Each of the food groups is covered. All food is in recyclable containers with name labels on the lids.  Mothers of the owners of these lunchboxes tend to become very irate when matching containers mysteriously go missing, spending a large amount of their time searching through lost property while all the time suspecting that someone really stole it. The owners of these lunchboxes spend a large amount of their time swapping out bits of quiche for fruit straps that reside in the lunchboxes of the third type.
2. The well-intentioned lunchbox.  On the first day it is filled with chicken sandwiches cut into the shape of stars that by the end of the week have evolved into vegemite sandwiches (with the crust left on). The plastic container of cut up oranges has been replaced with an apple.  It’s healthy, just not so pretty as the gourmet. Recyclable plastic containers have evolved into gladwrap and ziplock bags.
3. The supermarket convenience lunchbox.This type of lunchbox usually is made up of dip a bic, tins of tuna (do you know how hard these are for kids to open), cheese sticks, mini packets of barbeque shapes, fruit straps and popper juice.  The presence of these items in the lunchbox depends on what they’ve been able to nag their parents into buying during the weekly shopping.
4. The bag and bottle lunch in a shopping bag.  This is usually a bottle of coke, perhaps red bull (sugar is energy–right?). Usually this is accompanied by a family sized bag of cheezels (cheese is healthy) or chips (potato?).  These children are usually the envy of every child in the playground until they see how their food inspired sugar high/crash makes their teacher cranky. Some days these kids have no lunch at all. 

But in all my time I’ve never seen a bento box like this one in the picture.  Now that’s a lunchbox.  Image

The following is my Gen X Girl column that appears in the Townsville Bulletin’s Savvy magazine.

Apparently the world is going to end this year so I’m a bit hesitant about making New Year’s resolutions. Seems a bit of a waste to deprive oneself of alcohol and cheese to lose 10 kilos only to die before you get to show off about it.

However I will make resolutions, as I’m actually quite successful at it. Take last year’s resolution for example— to give up broccoli. Now some of you might think that’s an easy thing to do, but broccoli crops up everywhere. I spent the whole year vigilantly searching through my Thai food for the sneaky little green things so that I could chuck them out. I didn’t even cast a sideways glance at them as I passed them in the fruit and vege section.

It was difficult as everywhere I turned there was a news story touting broccoli as a superfod so resisting it took quite a lot of willpower. Despite it being quite a challenging resolution I did give up broccoli for a whole year and I feel a large sense of achievement because of it.

According to statistics however I am one of the few people who actually managed to achieve my resolution. I blame ambition and timing for this. Why on earth do people choose to go for the big things like giving up smoking the very day that they are suffering the best and first hangover of the year?

Willpower is low, craving is high and setting that goal to start on January 1 can only lead to a massive fail. What I propose is that no resolutions should be made or begun before January 7. That gives everyone the time and energy to continue to have a guilt free holiday hit out before the year really begins. Win-win situation.

I also suggest that people set their sights a little lower in order to achieve success. Now going for big stuff like giving up broccoli is only for seasoned professionals like me. If you struggle to keep your resolutions aim low. That’s why I suggest you give up prunes. Prunes, like broccoli are a superfood, so there’s still the challenge, but you won’t have to be picking out of your takeaway meals only your muesli. You will have to close your eyes tight as you walk past the packaged prunes at Coles, but I have every confidence in your ability to say no to prunes all year.

This success and sense of achievement will then lead you to making more ambitious resolutions for following years. Now you could go all unimaginative and do what everyone else does–boring stuff like lose weight, get fit, the aforementioned quitting smoking and other hohum stuff but you’re an individual—be your own person.

This year I tossed up all those things and added quite a few of my own like watching less TV and realising that alcohol is not a large slice of the healthy food pyramid, but that’s not how I want to sally forth into the new year.

So this is what I came up with. Every week, I am going to drink a bottle of French champagne. It could be difficult but I reckon I’m up to the task. After all, what’s life without a bit of challenge? Happy 2012

Take one tropical island (about an hour from home).  Add turkey, prawns, crab, ham, crab, Moreton Bay bugs (seafood not crawly stuff) and oysters. Lubricate with champagne and mineral water.  Enjoy under the shade of a tree with the sea in sight.  My perfect Christmas.

Best Christmas wishes. xx

This is from my weely Gen X Girl column that appears in the Townville Bulletin Savvy magazine.

So the most googled term in 2011—what is love? What a stupid search enquiry. Can you believe that we’ve turned into such an emotionally retarded society that we need to google one of our most base human emotions?

That’s not the only stupid thing I’ve observed this year. Start at the supermarket. Supermarkets have got so stupid that you now have to pay for the privilege of pushing dodgy trolleys around and then have the fun job of scanning and packing your own groceries all the while being bossed around by a voice from a box.

Add to that our limited supermarket choices. At my local supermarket there are only two types of diced tomatoes. Forgive me for sounding like an old person, but back in the day you could choose any number of tinned tomatoes, from fancy Italian ones that were actually grown in New Zealand to thick and rich ones with two generic brands thrown in for good measure. But now, so little choice amongst the canned goods.

Consider marshmallows? Bet that’s a situation that’s doesn’t regularly enter your thought processes, but this is my dilemma last week. I make this fancy little accompaniment to BBQ steak that is based on marshmallows (stop screwing up your face—it’s good). Anyway I like to make this dish from white marshmallows, but there is no longer such a thing as solo white marshmallows. They are mixed in with strawberry ones and peach flavoured ones. I can’t use the pink and orange ones as they make my fancy pants dish look like a bowl of vomit so I have to buy three packets just to get the white ones. And then I’m stuck with all these flavoured marshmallows. Who eats peach marshmallows?

Fixed light speed cameras are also stupid. Road toll statistics are at a record high in 2011. Coincidentally the Queensland Government has rolled out even more of these revenue-raising monstrosities. Simple math. More speed cameras does not equate to less road deaths. More speed cameras equates to more money in government coffers.

The passing of the carbon tax is stupid. Good old Australia is leading the way in stopping climate change by this year passing a tax that will make everyday necessities like power and food more expensive. We’re doing this because we need to make a stand. Never mind that that big polluters like the US, Russia and China aren’t doing anything at all, the Australian government is making a stand on behalf of the world. Oh and so is Finland and Costa Rica.

Actually the whole federal government is stupid. We have an elected government who is totally dominated by the minority party and independents that it needs to actually govern. Our prime minister by proxy Bob Browne gets kudos for the carbon tax, outing our real Prime Minister as a liar. Australia’s dominant legislation for 2011? Gay marriage and poker machine licences. Not the economy and asylum seekers.

These are just a few issues for stupid 2011. To be fair it didn’t look promising from the beginning with it being the year of the rabbit, the year of the flood and the year of the cyclone. But we did get some cool dates like 11/11/11. That was a highlight. Image

This is my column from this week’s Savvy magazine, that appears in the Townsville Bulletin.

The letter box is full of junk mail, the shopping centre carparks are full and there’s the ubiquitous hum of Jingle Bells playing in the background. It can only mean one thing—time for the work Christmas party.

Now in the olden days, work Christmas parties were fun-filled affairs with the office junior donning the Santa suit and Betty, the office manager, dressing up like sexy Mrs Claus. The party operated a bit along the mantra that what goes on tour stays on tour.

However, Workplace Health and Safety have just delivered an edict to employers warning them that any injuries or incidents occurring as a result of the work Christmas party are the responsibility of the employer. That’s the quickest way I know of to put the kibosh on free grog. Who’s going to let their staff get tanked if they’re responsible for seeing them off safely? It will be Coke all the way for some staff, and I do mean the stuff you drink.

The Law Institute of Victoria has gone so far as to compile a list of guidelines for employers that will ensure a litigation-free party. Suggestions include putting start and finish times in writing, employers setting a good example by drinking in moderation (hmm, lawyers, always a good example of those who practise drinking in moderation), encouraging non-drinkers to be designated drivers (yep, you don’t get to drink AND you get to drive drunks home—fun, fun, fun) and discouraging inappropriate behaviour.

So there’s the fun police version of what you should and shouldn’t do at the office party. However, in the interests of common sense, I have made a top ten list of things you might like to consider.

1. Beer goggles. Remember that you are wearing them after your third glass of wine. Your judgment is impaired, your vision is impaired and you are not in control. Stay away from the office assistants.
2. Photocopying your bum is not a good idea. A photocopied bum is not a thing of beauty. Do you want 100 copies of yours papering the office? Thought not.
3. Pole dancing should be for strip clubs and trendy exercise classes. Do not gyrate around the support columns in the office no matter how hot you think you will look.
4. Wear appropriate clothes, it’s a work party, not a singles bar. And do you really want your boss looking at your boobs?
5. Keep your clothes on. Please.
6. Don’t hit on anyone. Again it’s an office do, not a singles bar. Do you really want to deal with the repercussions of Kevin in acquisitions thinking you really, really, really like him?
7. Drink, but not too much. If you don’t drink you look like a wowser. If you drink too much you look like, well, a drunk. It’s a fine line. Good luck.
8. Don’t talk about work. Eek, kill me now. And add your children to that. Remember only you and their grandparents find them fascinating.
9. Don’t hog the food. This includes stalking the waitress with the canapé tray. Double dipping is a hangable offence.
10. Don’t be unsociable. Standing around looking like you are sucking a lemon makes you look like a snotty cow. Remove the stick from your behind and perhaps go and photocopy it.

Image

This is my Gen X Girl column from this week’s Savvy Magazine that appears in the Townsville Bulletin.

It’s no secret that I enjoy a drop of wine. OK, to be fair maybe that could be more than a mere drop, but I’m hardly Robinson Crusoe. Anyway big suck in to me because now I’m definitely going to get breast cancer. Well that’s what some study says anyway.

According to a recent Harvard University study, having one unit of wine a day could increase a woman’s risk of breast cancer by 15%. Having two units of wine a day will increase it by 50%. This is very bad news, especially when you consider that a unit is a piddling 100ml.

Is anyone putting down their glass of sav blanc as this read this riveting piece of information? Didn’t think so. If you’re anything like me you’ve learned to disregard information like this. We’re all suffering from Conflicting Health Theory Overload Syndrome.

Now this is not yet a medically recognised syndrome. I just made it up, but I have every confidence that it’s going to be picked up by the medical profession.

As a practical example of CHTOS let’s take my old friend wine. Wasn’t it only last year that health experts were advocating a couple of glasses a wine for cardio-vascular health? So for the sake of our health we enjoyed our daily tipple, reinforced by the results of another study that says drinkers live longer than kill-joy abstainers. Yippee. Heart beating fine and we’re fun and then along comes the latest study saying that we women are going to get cancer. Stupid sexist study.

Wine’s not the only breast cancer causing culprit out there. Apparently underarm deodorants are a big no-no. Sorry, I’m not giving that up—no one will talk to me. And wide strapped underwire bras are also taboo. That should boost the sale of those hideous ah ha bras that are being flogged on TV at the moment.

We’re also warned to avoid tooth fillings and root canals. I’m not sure that one can avoid a root canal. It’s not as though anyone chooses to have one. It’s more the pain that drives people to pay exorbitant sums of money to dentists rather than an aesthetic but there I go being all judgmental.

Anyway because I read a lot of women’s magazines and spend too much time on the internet I have a wealth of conflicting medical advice that may be helpful to you. So here goes.

1. Yoga does not make you fit because you mostly lie around a lot.
2. Bananas can help you give up smoking. A banana costs more than a cigarette.
3.  If your poo looks like little hard balls you are in trouble. Miranda Kerr says so.
4.  Drinking eight glasses of water a day is bunkum.
5. Your coffee addiction is inherited from your parents. Yes it really is your mother’s fault.
6. The whiskey diet is true. Lady Gaga said so.
7. Swearing reduces blood pressure.
8. Running is bad for you.
9. Soy can lead to the excessive feminisation of men. Put the soy and linseed bread back on the shelf boys.
10. 30% of men do not wash their hands after going to the toilet. Image

Experts suggest that a vitamin intake such as mine contributes nothing to the body except expensive pee. Cynical bunch those scientists.

Anyway here’s a list of the vitamins I take: Swisse ultivite for women (Sonya Kruger says it’s the best and she seems full of life so I believe her.  It also sounds fancy), magnesium (because I get cramps all the time), Cabot’s Thyroid Support (don’t think it actually does anything at all), chlorophyll (because it’s very green and therefore has to be healthy), fish oil (for cholesterol prevention), milk thistle (because of all the wine I drink), glucosamine (for my sore knees), probiotic (because it’s good for me) and occasionally Vitamin B (when I’m stressed). That’s quite a comprehensive list, isn’t it? Wow, I really am a vitamin junkie.

For your info though John Dempster, a hot naturopath from Toronto, has compiled a list of essential vitamins and supplement for everyone’s optimum health. Here it is:

1. Whole Food MultivitaminMultivitamins are a dime a dozen these days. The classic one-a-day just doesn’t meet the demands of today’s lifestyles and environmental pressures. One of the best available today is Ultra preventive X (Douglas Labs). It has a therapeutic multivitamin blend combined with 20 powerful super foods, thus acting as a Whole Food Multivitamin. I take this every day.
2. Omega-3 Fatty Acids/Fish Oils There are many sources of Omega-3s on the market – and with that – just as much misinformation about these popular supplements. In short, only fish oil contains EPA/DHA – the best form of available omega-3 oils. These are most effective via a pharmaceutical-grade fish or krill oil.
3. Traumeel Cream This award-winning product is great to keep around for any bumps, bruises, sprains, or strains. And you don’t have to be an athlete to accumulate those injuries.
4. Magnesium This wonder mineral is extremely helpful for those suffering from high blood pressure, headaches, anxiety, and constipation. How many people do you know with these symptoms?
5. Digestive AidThis product contains betaine HCL – a powerful and safe way to boost your digestive juices. Keep these in your purse or coat pocket; they’re an essential way to get control of gastric distress, namely gas and bloating.
6. Vitamin D Quickly becoming one of the nutritional gems of the media, this nutrient helps to reduce risk of most cancers, autoimmune conditions, and heart disease. But before you start popping massive doses, have your ND check your blood levels to maintain a safe amount.
7. GreensWe’re a society not getting enough fruits and vegetables – our main source of antioxidants. This is a huge factor in terms of the rise of chronic illnesses including cancer and heart disease. If you’re not getting a full ten servings of fruits and vegetables per day, using a high quality Greens product is a no-brainer. Still, eat your greens!
8. ProbioticsThese beneficial bacteria are similar to those naturally found in your body, which are often decreased by lifestyle factors and health conditions. Probiotics can help replenish this friendly bacteria that can be depleted by age, poor diet, stress, antibiotic therapy, and certain medical conditions. Studies confirm that consuming probiotics regularly can significantly improve digestive and immune health. They also help maintain a great complexion.
9. B-Complex If you’re balancing a life filled with work, family, friends, and social activity, you’re likely using B vitamins like a jet engine burns fuel. When we get low on these, we lose our luster, motivation, and stamina.
10. Fibre The recommended fibre intake is 25-35 grams per day, but the average person only gets 15 grams daily. Fibre has many important functions in the body including weight management, heart health, and digestion.

I can see there are a few more things I might need to add to my medicine cabinet?  How about you?  What vitamins do you take? Image

So here goes–my top ten list of lessons learned from The Lodge on the Solomon Islands.

1. If you are travelling with connecting flights always used the national carrier that owns the connecting flights. This proved particularly useful when the Dash 8s were grounded due to a plane crash and we were guaranteed flights off the island to Honiara. Yes, it may have been a little, tiny plane flown by a great big pilot, yes we were weighed before getting on the plane, but we did make our flight home.
2. Being slightly drunk helps one board a tiny plane.
3. Tinned whole tomatoes can be squashed up with a vodka bottle to make bloody marys.
4. It is best not to do squash tomatoes while wearing a white kaftan.
5. 30+ waterproof sunblock does work for four hours.
6. Rash shirts do provide excellent sun protection while snorkelling, fishing and kayaking therefore preventing even more sun cancers.
7. Rash shirts will never be a fashion item.
8. There is no such thing as a decent face sunblock. Body sunblocks and zinc cream cause big fat acne pimples. Proper face sunblock does not stay on in the water.  If there is such a thing as waterproof, non-pore blocking face sunblock could someone let me know or at least invent it.
9. Freckles under ones eyes look really strange (see lesson 8).
10. Buy your full duty free alcohol allowance.  You will drink it all.