Yep, they are putting down their expensively shod feet and declaring the fascinator a big no-no. Oh no. That’s terrible news for me should I be attending Royal Ascot this year, as I am a fan of the fascinator. And so is my favourite person Princess Kate. This will be big news for her since the fascinator bar applies in the Royal Enclosure, and since she’s royal I’m guessing that’s where she’ll be.

I like a fascinator because you avoid the dreaded hat clash. You know the one when you lean in close to your big hat wearing friend and the brims of your hats collide causing both a wardrobe malfuntion and the abandonment of the wonderful piece of gossip you were going to share.

Anyway if you are intending to go to the Royal Enclosure at Ascot this year keep in mind the following dress code, or they won’t let you in.

For women:

• Hats are desirable but anything with a base of less than 4 inches in diameter is not acceptable as a hat. Got that.
• Skirts and dresses need to be of a ‘modest length’ and fall just above the knee or below.
• Pashminas are banned/barred/disallowed.
• Strapless tops (and I assume dresses) are also out.

For men:

• Waistcoat and tie are compulsory.
• No cravats (Matt Preston is not attending in protest).
• Black shoes only. Polished is mandatory.

What do think would happen if Kate lobbed up in a fascinator? Do you think they’d really chuck her out? Probably. They can be very rigid about these sorts of important things. Image

This is my column from this week’s Savvy magazine, that appears in the Townsville Bulletin.

The letter box is full of junk mail, the shopping centre carparks are full and there’s the ubiquitous hum of Jingle Bells playing in the background. It can only mean one thing—time for the work Christmas party.

Now in the olden days, work Christmas parties were fun-filled affairs with the office junior donning the Santa suit and Betty, the office manager, dressing up like sexy Mrs Claus. The party operated a bit along the mantra that what goes on tour stays on tour.

However, Workplace Health and Safety have just delivered an edict to employers warning them that any injuries or incidents occurring as a result of the work Christmas party are the responsibility of the employer. That’s the quickest way I know of to put the kibosh on free grog. Who’s going to let their staff get tanked if they’re responsible for seeing them off safely? It will be Coke all the way for some staff, and I do mean the stuff you drink.

The Law Institute of Victoria has gone so far as to compile a list of guidelines for employers that will ensure a litigation-free party. Suggestions include putting start and finish times in writing, employers setting a good example by drinking in moderation (hmm, lawyers, always a good example of those who practise drinking in moderation), encouraging non-drinkers to be designated drivers (yep, you don’t get to drink AND you get to drive drunks home—fun, fun, fun) and discouraging inappropriate behaviour.

So there’s the fun police version of what you should and shouldn’t do at the office party. However, in the interests of common sense, I have made a top ten list of things you might like to consider.

1. Beer goggles. Remember that you are wearing them after your third glass of wine. Your judgment is impaired, your vision is impaired and you are not in control. Stay away from the office assistants.
2. Photocopying your bum is not a good idea. A photocopied bum is not a thing of beauty. Do you want 100 copies of yours papering the office? Thought not.
3. Pole dancing should be for strip clubs and trendy exercise classes. Do not gyrate around the support columns in the office no matter how hot you think you will look.
4. Wear appropriate clothes, it’s a work party, not a singles bar. And do you really want your boss looking at your boobs?
5. Keep your clothes on. Please.
6. Don’t hit on anyone. Again it’s an office do, not a singles bar. Do you really want to deal with the repercussions of Kevin in acquisitions thinking you really, really, really like him?
7. Drink, but not too much. If you don’t drink you look like a wowser. If you drink too much you look like, well, a drunk. It’s a fine line. Good luck.
8. Don’t talk about work. Eek, kill me now. And add your children to that. Remember only you and their grandparents find them fascinating.
9. Don’t hog the food. This includes stalking the waitress with the canapé tray. Double dipping is a hangable offence.
10. Don’t be unsociable. Standing around looking like you are sucking a lemon makes you look like a snotty cow. Remove the stick from your behind and perhaps go and photocopy it.

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So here goes–my top ten list of lessons learned from The Lodge on the Solomon Islands.

1. If you are travelling with connecting flights always used the national carrier that owns the connecting flights. This proved particularly useful when the Dash 8s were grounded due to a plane crash and we were guaranteed flights off the island to Honiara. Yes, it may have been a little, tiny plane flown by a great big pilot, yes we were weighed before getting on the plane, but we did make our flight home.
2. Being slightly drunk helps one board a tiny plane.
3. Tinned whole tomatoes can be squashed up with a vodka bottle to make bloody marys.
4. It is best not to do squash tomatoes while wearing a white kaftan.
5. 30+ waterproof sunblock does work for four hours.
6. Rash shirts do provide excellent sun protection while snorkelling, fishing and kayaking therefore preventing even more sun cancers.
7. Rash shirts will never be a fashion item.
8. There is no such thing as a decent face sunblock. Body sunblocks and zinc cream cause big fat acne pimples. Proper face sunblock does not stay on in the water.  If there is such a thing as waterproof, non-pore blocking face sunblock could someone let me know or at least invent it.
9. Freckles under ones eyes look really strange (see lesson 8).
10. Buy your full duty free alcohol allowance.  You will drink it all.

It’s like stepping back in history, isn’t it?  So who are they?  Top to bottom: Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney; Grace Kelly and Audrey Hepburn; Sophie Loren and Jane Mansfield (don’t you just love the look on Sophia’s face?).

I may or may not also stash the house key there if I’m short of a pocket or not wearing my nifty little exercise pants with the zip on the leg. It looks great as I’m groping around in my bra trying to find the key.  Anyway I’ll own that these are not good looks which is why I’m surprised about the Secret Keeper–a little bag where you stash you stuff and then stuff it down you bra.

They do it with ease these ladies on the informercial. They just zip and stash and then dance around, run around all with no bumps. What rot. You’d have to have bumps unless you have boobs like fairy floss. And how doesn’t it fall out? Do you have a secret velcro stip attached to your boob. But I’ll grant that all that boob groping might be an attractant for some. Image

Here’s what she identified and I’m going check as I read each one.

1.The overknee handle – a larger piece of harder fat that collects on the upper, inner part of the knee. This obviously shows when you go bare legged in a short skirt.

2.The bra-back squeeze out – a piece of excess fat that pokes out from under your bra, even if you are rail thin.

3.Bottom-to-thigh slippage- a migration of the fat from the derrière downwards to the upper thigh, so that there is no demarcation between the two.

4.The hip-hopper – a distinct ridge around the hip area that definitely wasn’t there before.

5.The underarm wobbler – a piece of jiggly fat right at the front of the underarm, which is really obvious in sleeveless dresses and tanks. (I’m not referring to the outer breast area. This is on the arm itself.)

You can go to the article to find out how to correct them.

God don’t you just hate having overknee handle. Totally sucks. Image

Turns out I don’t have to worry about a boob job. I just need to get me on a plane to Thailand where I can get by boosies slapped around by a Thai slapper.

She’ll also slap your face and arse if you’re up for it.  Image

This is my from my weekly Gen X Girl column in the Townsville Bulletin’s Savvy magazine.

Have you noticed that children, especially babies, are the new black? They’re everywhere. Once upon a time celebrities used to accessorise their outfits with gigantic handbags and saucer-sized sunnies but now they just casually sling their offspring across their shoulder and away they go.

Take the newest Beckham progeny, Harper. Posh Beckham has carted that one to every fashion event since it was born two months ago. I naively assumed that was because the baby was a girl and Victoria was trying to imprint fashion on it’s brain, but I think it may have been more about saying “see this is why I was fat. I can produce my own baby so nah nah to the rest of you who take the easy way out and adopt from Zanzibar”. But maybe I’m being judgmental. Victoria went through a lot for that baby. Slipped a disc, had to wear flats for a day. Poor pet.

Anyway Harper was really taken with New York Fashion Week. It’s true, Mrs B said so. “We went to Prada yesterday and she love it. It was as if she was saying, ‘Mummy, I’m home’.” It was probably just wind.

See I’m thinking it’s not the female offspring thing that is part of it. Celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe drags her poor infant son to the opening of an envelope. There is he is, poor little Skylar (promise I did not make that up), dolled up in his Cartier blankie sitting in the front row of London Fashion Week. So who’s going to grow up with a very pronounced lisp?

Suri Cruise, Tom’s little angel, has a wardrobe worth more than the GDP of the USA. This five year old has handbags from Gucci, high heels from Prada and discreet Burberry lining in all her coats. I this OK for a child? I think not. She wears red lipstick, blush and a surly demeanour. I feel like pushing her in a sandpit, but she wouldn’t know what to do.

How about Tavi, Vogue editor Anna Wintour’s new bestie? Tavi—that sounds exotic doesn’t it—all Russian with attitude. Well the attitude’s there, but that’s probably because she’s a teenager. Yes, one the of the most influential fashion bloggers in cyberspace is a 15 year old with four years of experience on board. Yep, she started when she was 11.

It’s not only the fashion world where children are making their mark because celeb offspring are big in the world of entertainment. And they don’t come much bigger than Willow Smith, the most annoying child on the planet. Not only is Willow an irritating person, but she is responsible for the world’s most annoying song I Whip My Hair Back and Forth. Actually I’m cranky at myself for mentioning that song because now I will spend the rest of the week singing the stupid thing.

Willow’s happy with the song’s success though saying she’s pleased all that hard work has paid off. Oh sweetie, you’re 11. You don’t know what hard work is you obnoxious brat. Go back to school and learn your algebra.

Another thing:  Check out Suri Cruise’s burn book.  Sort of seems wrong to laugh at a child but it’s very, very funny. Image