This week’s Gen X Girl column from Savvy Magazine in the Townsville Bulletin.

Does anyone actually believe anything that celebrities say? Are you going to buy Nespresso coffee just because George Clooney says so? Or just because Hugh Jackman bursts into song when he drinks iced tea, are you going to do the same? Actually if Hugh Jackman told me to do anything I would. The man’s a god—OK.

It could be argued that this is the case for all advertising which is obviously true otherwise the world as we know it would come to a screaming halt. But at least these types of ads don’t pretend to be anything other than a hard sell.

But what is really annoying me is the celebrity endorsement. How does an ad differ to a celebrity endorsement? Well it’s different because the celebrity chats with us, takes us on his or her journey, makes us believe we are just like them. The hard sell is a little harder to discern. It’s less buy me because I say so, it’s more buy me and you can be just like me.

This isn’t just an American thing either. Granted we have fewer celebrities here in Australia than the US but there are a couple of gold-plated ones who keep being trotted out.

Rebecca Gibney—or Julie Rafter as we know her, is one of these. Do you remember in her pre-Jules days when she did an advertising campaign for a painkiller? She had little pains, and big pains, all which could be fixed by a capsule, and still have time to learn her lines. She looked shocking in those ads, which can’t have been good for the product. But seeing herself look so bad led to Rebecca to botox.

Bec loved the stuff, comparing it to getting a facial. She told us all to stop judging each other (about botox use) until…she signed on as the face of a beauty cream. And guess what—she doesn’t need botox any more because this cream is so wonderful.

She does yoga now too. That’s her exercise of choice. Last year, when she was endorsing Wii, she bounced around on the WiiFit board. That contract must have ended because now it downward dogs all the way.

You know I don’t hold out with Rebecca sticking with either the facecream or the yoga. For a start how on earth can she make a dime out of the yoga, and let’s be frank—she’s got the attention span of a gnat if past performance is any indication.

Magda Szubanski is another who invited us on her journey—her weightloss journey with her bestie Jenny Craig who paid her a bomb. We got to meet Magda’s weightloss consultant, saw makeovers and were treated to monthly updates via magazine covers and TV show appearances.

She got a little full of herself though did Magda. When she started telling all the rest of us that we were a nation of big old fatties who should run up the Opera House stairs well I couldn’t help thinking “pot kettle meet black”.

Anyway as it turns out it was all for naught because poor old Magda just couldn’t stick with it. She started whacking on all that weight which probably goes to prove that diets don’t work whether you’re being paid for it or not.  Image

Cold weather getting you down? Feel like you’re getting old and tired before your time.  Well here’s a way to check and provide a bit of self-inflicted torture? You won’t need many supplies—a few everyday household items and you’re set.

1. Are your boobs sagging? You need a pencil, that’s all. This works best for women, but boys—if you’re sporting a set of moobs give it a go. Hold up your boobs and tuck the pencil on the underside of your boobs/moobs. If it slides straight out they’re all upright and perky. If that pencil is lodged there then grab your bra and put it back on. Probably best to remove the pencil first. If you failed go and make yourself a cocktail and sulk for a bit.
2. Do you have a saggy behind? Do the same as above but this time put the pencil under your bum cheeks. If it stays there go and get crying drunk. There’s no hope
3. Do you have a scary frown line? Using lipstick place a smear along one side of your frown line (you’ll need a mirror for this). Then frown really hard. If you get a mirror image on the other side of your face, you have frown lineitis and you probably look scary to small children. It’s up to you if you want to live with this. There is a revolutionary product called botox that may help.  Yes it’s poison, but remember you look scary.
4. Old hands. Place your hand flat on a surface. Pinch the skin on the back of your hand and hold for 10 seconds. Let go and time how long it takes your skin to return to normal (if ever). Longer is not better. Try it on one of your children if you want to be seriously sad. Look how that plump young skin just bounces back.
5. On-line ageing test. If you drink, smoke and don’t eat your veges, this may be a depressing experience for you.  You may be old but I’ll bet you’re having a good time.
6. Lip lines.  Get a nice creamy lipstick.  Apply it liberally to your lips and wait five minutes.  Check your lips in a mirror.  If the lippy has moved into the vertical lines above your top lip you have cat’s bum mouth.  If you smoke you should stop right now.
7. DVD test.  Attempt to hook your new DVD up to your existing cable TV set up on your plasma TV.  There is a time limit of twelve hours. If you fail then you should consult with an eight year old who will do it in twenty minutes.
8. Nintendo DS.  Complete the brain training tests.  Test your brain age.  Find out that your brain is 15 years older than your real age.  This is standard.  The same applies to Nintendo Wii body training.  Be aware that Nintendo is a Japanese word meaning to make Australians feel like crap. Image

Happy 50th birthday Princess Diana. Well happy 50th birthday if you were still alive.

British journalist Tina Brown wrote the accompanying article in which she looked into her crystal ball and came up with the following.

• Diana would have married twice more after dumping Dodi Al-Fayed.
• She would have kept her chin taut with Botox (really, I didn’t know they could do that. I may have to investigate that claim).
• She would have had gym buffed arms.
• She and Kate’s mother, Carole Middleton, would have been besties.
• She would have forgiven Camilla for nicking her husband, even befriending her on Facebook with Charles liking it. (Yeah, right.)

Oh did I forget to mention the mock Facebook page. It’s a doozy with Sarah Ferguson posting a drinks invite and Diana mentioning that she was front row with the Beckhams at the Burberry show. Really! Image

I love makeovers. Love TV makeover shows more for that matter. Property, people, lifestyles—I’m all over them. Just so long that some that was previously in need of some serious attention comes out looking all better at the end of it. Magic in my eyes.

So you can imagine my absolute fascination with the new public spectacle: The Beautification of Shane Warne—From Bogan to Baron. OK, I made that title up but I’m keeping copy write on it. I see a reality show in the wings. And I also hear the sound of beer cans around the country being crumpled in disbelief as Australia’s CUBBY (cashed up bogan) king icon goes all metrosexual.

It’s all that Elizabeth Hurley’s fault. She’s the one who got her sticky mitts all over Warnie and papered off the rough edges. And what has emerged from the chrysalis that was the drinking, smoking and ample-gutted Warnie grub? Why a butterfly so slick and smooth that he could go straight to Madam Tussaud’s Wax Museum without ever having to pose.

Do you remember Warnie BE (Before Elizabeth)? There was the cricketer’s tan, the wrinkles around the eyes, the fairly decent beer belly and the gelled up, highlighted Yeah-Yeah hair. He also sported calloused thumbs, not so much from bowling, but from texting, or should that be sexting, up a storm.

So what’s changed? Well the sexting has stopped, cleverly replaced by an addiction to Twitter that has unfortunately given us more information about Elizabeth and Shane’s private life than New Idea ever could.

The beer gut is gone, disappeared, no more. Apparently this is due to Elizabeth putting Shane on a diet that included lots of wheat grass. The diet was also conducted via Twitter so, just in case we were interested, we could share in Warnie’s weight loss journey. “Feel like a hot pie with copious amounts of sauce with crinkle cut chips!! What’s the best pie?” he tweeted, followed with: “NO Shane!! 78kg is target currently 82.5. Settle on a protein shake with an apple and banana – sob.” Gosh it sounds like he was having fun. But it has worked because he apparently lost 10kg. Well done, Warnie.

Warnie’s tan is nice and even now, as is his wrinkle-free face. Has someone been hitting the Fraxel laser and Botox? Well no–it’s all due to the magic effects of cosmetic company Estee Lauder’s moisturisers. I know this because Warnie tweeted it. Elizabeth gave us more specific information about the particular moisturiser when she further tweeted “So glad the Estée Lauder Resilience Lift moisturiser is working & everyone thinks you’ve had a face lift.” Would it surprise you to know that Elizabeth is the face of Estee Lauder. I see a big Christmas bonus for Liz.

Anyway like any good makeover show Warnie had his big unveiling at Elton John’s White Tie and Tiara Ball. He trotted out in his beautifully cut tuxedo, hair slicked back and de-highlighted. His eyebrows were waxed and there was a suggestion of mascara and guy-liner. Mascara! Guyliner!

And there is the picture complete—Shane Warne, trophy wife. Image

Kelly Campbell gave her daughter the ultimate gift for her 8th birthday–the gift of botox. It is the gift that keeps on giving because she tops it up every three months, along with a little Restalyne.

“I make her frown before injecting, which helps identify a potential wrinkle. This means we can get it before it even develops.” Kelly said.

Gosh, she’s far sighted isn’t she? What in the heck is she going to do when all those hormones kick in and her daughter develops, shock horror, pimples?

Kelly will probably take it in her stride though. After all she is a trained beautician which gives her license to do all sorts of things like buy the said botox and restalyne online so she can inject them into her daughter, Britney herself. How in the heck does she get an 8 year old to sit still and allow needles to be injected into her face?

But Kelly’s not stopping there. She’s got plans for a virgin wax for Britney which will apparently inhibit the growth of future pubic hair. (Is anyone else going ehwww?) She’s staging an all out war on hair, because she getting her daughter’s eyebrows waxed later this year and is looking at a possible tattoo enhancement to improve the arch of Britney’s eyebrow.

And what is Kelly’s reason for all of the above, and a nightly wrinkle inspection and a planned nose and boob job?

“What I am doing for Britney now will help her become a star. I know one day she will be a model, actress or singer, and having these treatments now will ensure she stays looking younger and baby-faced for longer.”

Oh, well that’s OK, then. You carry on Mum. Image

I’d never heard of Jack Lalanne until this week when mention was made of his death at 96. Good role model for practising what he preaches.

Here’s a clip of Jack’s facial exercises that Dannii and Julia have been doing to maintain their youthful looks. I accept no responsibility for the truthfulness of the preceding sentence. Image

Please, where did they conduct this research? Perhaps Eidsvold or maybe Aratula, but certainly not greater Brisbane, Sydney, Melbourne or any regional town in Australia. Because as I see it (and that’s usually the best way to tell) the use of botox and dermal fillers is rife amongst Australian women.

According to (in my opinion) more credible statistics, 1.5 millions injections of Botox were handed out in Australia in 2009. That’s a lot of botox being injected into 1.8% of the population who admits to using them. Goodness if that percentage of the population absorbed that much botox there would be walking Madam Tussuad wax figurines on every street corner.

So why the big gap about what people say and what people really do. I think it comes down to breaking one of the Great Australian Commandments particularly Thou shalt not be vain or up oneself.

When I was growing up vanity was a major no no. I remember being accused of being vain (as though it was something bad) because I wouldn’t wear my glasses. They looked like coke bottle bottoms and because I didn’t like or take care of them they were held together with safety pins and cotton. I spent my entire teenage years wondering around in a haze. People thought I was rude too, but that was only because I ignored them because I couldn’t see them.

Then I got contacts and eventually laser surgery. Was that vain? Probably, but I don’t care. I see it as making the best of yourself (and those glasses did make my eyes look piggy). That vanity accusation just washed over me.

The use of botox and dermal fillers definitely fits into the vanity pocket. That’s probably why so many people won’t admit to using it. Take Nicole Kidman. She’d said she didn’t, we could see that she did and suddenly no respect–went right off her. Actually I don’t care whether she uses botox or not. But didn’t her mother tell her it was wrong to tell lies.

But we’ve resorted to lies in our attempt to hide our remorse at breaking the vanity commandment. We tell lies to cover up. A woman I know has the most incredible green eyes–some days. On other days they are a washy hazel. A comment by a friend on her great contacts was met by indignant denials. Obviously this woman was in conflict about the Vanity Commandment.

Anyway I think the Vanity Commandment has had its day. Rightly or wrongly a certain amount of vanity is required just to be acceptable in today’s society. We are constantly exposed to images of perfection and how we could look if we wore this brand of makeup or used this skincare product or shampoo. Come on–own up, who wasn’t sucked in by Rachel Hunter’s “because you’re worth it”?

And you know what you are worth it. If a bit of vanity makes you a little happy then do what makes you happy. That’s my new Vanity Commandment. Thou shalt use guilt free botox/coloured contacts/teeth whitener/laser surgery/expensive moisturiser/(insert procedure of choice) if it makes one feel good about oneself.

There are three things I read every Sunday morning, without fail. The cartoons, my astrology prediction and the wedding pages. Now I guess that speaks volumes about my intellectual capacity. But really can I urge to at least follow my lead with the wedding page. It’ll be the best laugh you’ll have in ages.

Where else would you get to see a woman in a white dress reaching around a massive tree trunk to try (unsuccessfully) to link hands with her recently betrothed. Or seeing a recently wedded couple standing in front of any number of hideous rock walls/fountains/water. Why where else? Your local Sunday paper.

The first thing I do is check out where they went for their honeymoon. Some lucky buggers get to go to Europe or the Maldives. They are usually the ones who have their reception at the Marriott or Tatts. People who have their honeymoon at the Gold Coast, well they’re usually from Rockhampton or Gladstone. One poor Sunshine Coast couple had their honeymoon at the Sunshine Coast. Dudded.

Teachers figure heavily in the bridal pages especially around school holiday time. They are usually young, blonde, female primary school teachers. There must be a big demand for them. Or maybe they are bossy enough to snag a place in the wedding picture section because apparently it’s a very popular. Threats get made and everything, or at least that’s what I hear.

What do you think of the teacher who married his former student? That’s a bit creepy isn’t it, but he’s not a teacher now, he’s a gyprocker. Wonder why he’s not a teacher? I also loved the one whose job was assistant/magician. Does that mean she’s a magician and an assistant like in an office or something. Or do you think she’s a magician’s assistant who prances around the stage in a sparkly costume waiting to get sawn in half. I really hope it’s the second one. Got to love the backstory.

I especially love the cougar brides, you know the 40 year old who married the 23 year old electrician/plumber/mechanic. Their hair is artfully arranged to be falling out seductively around their face, they invariably wear a strapless dress, the forehead doesn’t crinkle–they look great. Often they have a lovely tattoo just peeking over their shoulder.

Good on all of them finding happiness and all. Image

I think David Gyngell might be a bit of a dud as a Channel Nine’s CEO. I mean he’s made some pretty dumb decisions. He canned Hey, Hey It’s Saturday when it was probably the only thing to watch on Saturday night and then brought it back a few years later when it was no longer part of our national psyche and bizarrely kept it’s name and put it on Wednesday night when there are much better things to watch.

So this taxi driver beater upper, camera smashing, nasty biography writing bully is now a reporter. If I was a journalist (instead of a half arsed blogger) I would be very cross. Let’s be frank they don’t have a great reputation to start with and with this crazy man now calling himself one of them, well let’s just things aren’t going to improve in a hurry.

Did you see him zero in on Tony Abbott the other day? On his single minded journey to the opposition leader, he elbowed his way into the crowd, pushing aside a woman and then made it all about himself, not the story, himself by saying are you brave enough to shake my hand. I reckon Abbott might be able to take Latham. After all Abbott’s pretty fit, Latham not so much.

Latham did the same thing to Julia Gillard, and while I feel a bit sorry for her, well she did go around telling us that we should vote for him in 2004 and then her faction supported him even after he lost the election which wasn’t smart. Latham accosted Gillard and she responded by stroking his jacket which he then labelled sexual harassment. I actually think she did that instead of punching him which is really what she wanted to do. I reckon she could take him too.

So you’d imagine that Latham would be mighty pissed that Gillard managed to turn his confrontation into a positive. People felt that the PM should not be approached like this, which is fair. If she was Barrack Obama well let’s just say that Mr Latham might have bullet in his head right now. She also got to use the incident to showcase her quick wit when asked by a reporter “on a scale of 1-10 how big a tool is Mark Latham?” And quick as wink she came back with “some things are immeasurable”.

Genius–I’d love to be able to do that–come back with the snappy, quick and quotable retort. I always think of something brilliant and cutting to say about half an hour later or in the middle of the night. Not Julia though–just like that it came out. I wonder if it was a put up. I believe so, but then I’m just a big ole cynic. I’ve looked everywhere but I can’t find out the name of the person who asked the question. I saw him ask the question–just don’t know his name. Actually I reckon I’ve seen him on an ad, but I could be wrong.

But back to Latham, what meaningful advice did he give us voters? To put in a blank ballot. What a dickhead. Have no say in the running of your country. Don’t vote for anyone, give up your right to choose your government. I’m astounded. It might be an uninspiring campaign, but at least we have the right to vote and wars are fought for that right.

I think all that botox he’s had injected into his face has numbed his tiny brain. Image

I like Kylie Minogue.  Really I do. I love the fact that she sings upbeat peppy little songs. I like the fact that she’s a little Aussie girl done good. I’m not even jealous of how fantastic she looks in those little gold hot pants. There was that whole winning battle with breast cancer. Inspirational. And that lovely Spanish boyfriend–he’s just fine, so well done her.MinogueNow I like Kylie

Kylie has come out and admitted that the secret to her long-lasting beauty is the daily use of Ponds Cold Cream. What a load of bullshit. Apparently she’s given up the botox and has gone back to the product of her youth–Ponds Cold Cream as recommended by her mother. Wouldn’t you like to have insider knowledge of that because sales of Pond’s Cold Cream has soared 120%. Oh if only it were true. In my experience Ponds Cold Cream results in pimples.

So Kylie’s given up the botox, is whacking on the cold cream and is comfortable with herself at 42. Kylie Minogue–you have not given up the botox. That’s a big fat lie (but that’s only my opinion, mind). Have a look at Kylie’s eyebrows. They are at a place where no eyebrow has ever gone of its own accord.

Now don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with anyone doing anything they want to their face if it makes them happy, but I get really cross when they start lying about it. Actually I have invented a new term for it Notox–people who use botox and emphatically deny it. Wonder if it’ll catch on?

Take Nicole Kidman and her denial of ever using botox. What a big slap in the face that was to all the rest of us aging 40 year olds. Yep, mother nature made an Australian redhead look that wrinkle free. I think we all went a bit off her then. That’s why people really hated her in Australia, because she was telling fibs, not because her acting was awful.

Actually on the subject of Nicole, have you seen her new hooters. She’s walking around poking them out like a ten-year-old in a training bra. She’s going to get back strain poor thing.

I don’t think she’s had a boob job though. I reckon she’s had that procedure where they put filler into the boobs–the lunchtime boob job. Less permanent than silicone. Anyway she loves them and good on her, putting them out there in all those plunging dresses. All that media speculation. Good job at getting back in the headlines, Nicole, you clever girl.

You may wonder where I get all this knowledge of these procedures. Well I’d like to thank the Lifestyle channels and a steady diet of women’s magazines for that. I am addicted to transformation. Transformations of faces, bodies, lifestyles, diet and houses.

This therefore has given me a knowledge akin to Dr 90210’s of who had what done where. There is also the small matter that I probably have too much time on my hands.

There’s a website devoted to telling us what stars have had what done, but a real doctor does this, not a woman with an addiction to makeover shows. He draws pictures over their faces and goes into heaps of detail. I learned a new phrase there–crying botox face. Has pictures and all. There is a new bogey man in town–crying botox face.

Lucky for Kylie she’s given it up. Image