Yep, they are putting down their expensively shod feet and declaring the fascinator a big no-no. Oh no. That’s terrible news for me should I be attending Royal Ascot this year, as I am a fan of the fascinator. And so is my favourite person Princess Kate. This will be big news for her since the fascinator bar applies in the Royal Enclosure, and since she’s royal I’m guessing that’s where she’ll be.

I like a fascinator because you avoid the dreaded hat clash. You know the one when you lean in close to your big hat wearing friend and the brims of your hats collide causing both a wardrobe malfuntion and the abandonment of the wonderful piece of gossip you were going to share.

Anyway if you are intending to go to the Royal Enclosure at Ascot this year keep in mind the following dress code, or they won’t let you in.

For women:

• Hats are desirable but anything with a base of less than 4 inches in diameter is not acceptable as a hat. Got that.
• Skirts and dresses need to be of a ‘modest length’ and fall just above the knee or below.
• Pashminas are banned/barred/disallowed.
• Strapless tops (and I assume dresses) are also out.

For men:

• Waistcoat and tie are compulsory.
• No cravats (Matt Preston is not attending in protest).
• Black shoes only. Polished is mandatory.

What do think would happen if Kate lobbed up in a fascinator? Do you think they’d really chuck her out? Probably. They can be very rigid about these sorts of important things. Image

I love watching people put on their makeup but that’s just me. Anyway Cassandra’s a trooper. I could never do what she’s done.  I delete all the photos I don’t like.  And I suck at putting on makeup.

See what you can learn from her.

Anyway that’s off the point. Here’s one of Jane’s workout vids where she get Lilien to sing Do It. Tragically I remember all the words. I also remember my intense dislike of the exerciser wearing the stupid white visor. I hate visors–white or otherwise. And why does anyone need a visor inside? Wonder what she looks like now and if she’s still wearing that stupid white visor.

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I’ve always been one for a fad. If something new comes along, I’m the first one to jump on the bandwagon. Call me gullible, call me credulous, but if there’s something new in town you can guarantee I found it weeks ago, no months ago, gave it a test run and then abandoned it. I may grasp a fad with unbridled enthusiasm, but like a twenty year old after a one-night stand, I quickly move on to a new conquest.

Does anyone remember the kambucha tea craze? I was there. Kambucha tea was elixir of life; ringing any bells all you Gen Xers? Drinking it daily would ensure optimum health, glowing skin, a size ten figure, the secret the universe, and end to poverty—there was nothing it couldn’t do.

For such a wonder product it worked quite simply. You obtained a dinner plate sized mushroom, placed it in a container, covered it with tea and sugar and let it grow for a week in a dark, cool place, then—hey presto, mushroom juice. Sounds like compost, but no, it was the key to a long and healthy life.

Weight loss fads—tried them all—first. Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Atkins, The Zone, and Cabbage Soup are old friends. There’s been green tea, home gyms, and I even had one of the original Jane Fonda tapes which I had to hide from my husband who insisted I fast forward it to the pelvic thrust bit while he watched with his tongue hanging out.

I was the first to aerobic classes. I grapevined right instead of left causing a human pileup in the aerobic room. I was banned. Oh the shame. Since then lots of people have been banished, but it was me who was banished first—I started that fad.

I’ve dabbled in laser eye surgery, chemical peels, facial massage and acupuncture in my quest for youth. I’ve embraced soy, green tea and shark cartilage. I’ve eaten more salmon than a brown bear and I pop fish oil capsules like lollies.

There were a few fads I refused to engage with. I have never had decals on my toenails, I’ve always hated matt lipstick, scrunchies are a crime against hair and there is no way I am ever going to sport a butterfly tattoo on my behind.

There a few things on my fad radar right now—ear candling for one. This is how it works. A burning candle is inserted into the ear (true—I’m not making this up) and wax instantly melts away. I’m not sure where it melts to, but it sounds intriguing. It is also gets rid of headaches. Clean ears and no headaches—it’s got me already.

I’m also keen to give the vibrogym a whirl. Apparently you stand on a vibrating plate and all the shaking gives you defined muscles, eliminates cellulite and is good for your heart health. It has fad, and therefore my name, written all over it.

You probably think I’m a sucker. You’re right, but there’s every chance that there’s a residual effect to all those health and fitness fads and I’ll live to enjoy yet more fads well in to my nineties. You never know I might restart the kambucha tea craze from my vibrating nursing home bed.  Image

Experts suggest that a vitamin intake such as mine contributes nothing to the body except expensive pee. Cynical bunch those scientists.

Anyway here’s a list of the vitamins I take: Swisse ultivite for women (Sonya Kruger says it’s the best and she seems full of life so I believe her.  It also sounds fancy), magnesium (because I get cramps all the time), Cabot’s Thyroid Support (don’t think it actually does anything at all), chlorophyll (because it’s very green and therefore has to be healthy), fish oil (for cholesterol prevention), milk thistle (because of all the wine I drink), glucosamine (for my sore knees), probiotic (because it’s good for me) and occasionally Vitamin B (when I’m stressed). That’s quite a comprehensive list, isn’t it? Wow, I really am a vitamin junkie.

For your info though John Dempster, a hot naturopath from Toronto, has compiled a list of essential vitamins and supplement for everyone’s optimum health. Here it is:

1. Whole Food MultivitaminMultivitamins are a dime a dozen these days. The classic one-a-day just doesn’t meet the demands of today’s lifestyles and environmental pressures. One of the best available today is Ultra preventive X (Douglas Labs). It has a therapeutic multivitamin blend combined with 20 powerful super foods, thus acting as a Whole Food Multivitamin. I take this every day.
2. Omega-3 Fatty Acids/Fish Oils There are many sources of Omega-3s on the market – and with that – just as much misinformation about these popular supplements. In short, only fish oil contains EPA/DHA – the best form of available omega-3 oils. These are most effective via a pharmaceutical-grade fish or krill oil.
3. Traumeel Cream This award-winning product is great to keep around for any bumps, bruises, sprains, or strains. And you don’t have to be an athlete to accumulate those injuries.
4. Magnesium This wonder mineral is extremely helpful for those suffering from high blood pressure, headaches, anxiety, and constipation. How many people do you know with these symptoms?
5. Digestive AidThis product contains betaine HCL – a powerful and safe way to boost your digestive juices. Keep these in your purse or coat pocket; they’re an essential way to get control of gastric distress, namely gas and bloating.
6. Vitamin D Quickly becoming one of the nutritional gems of the media, this nutrient helps to reduce risk of most cancers, autoimmune conditions, and heart disease. But before you start popping massive doses, have your ND check your blood levels to maintain a safe amount.
7. GreensWe’re a society not getting enough fruits and vegetables – our main source of antioxidants. This is a huge factor in terms of the rise of chronic illnesses including cancer and heart disease. If you’re not getting a full ten servings of fruits and vegetables per day, using a high quality Greens product is a no-brainer. Still, eat your greens!
8. ProbioticsThese beneficial bacteria are similar to those naturally found in your body, which are often decreased by lifestyle factors and health conditions. Probiotics can help replenish this friendly bacteria that can be depleted by age, poor diet, stress, antibiotic therapy, and certain medical conditions. Studies confirm that consuming probiotics regularly can significantly improve digestive and immune health. They also help maintain a great complexion.
9. B-Complex If you’re balancing a life filled with work, family, friends, and social activity, you’re likely using B vitamins like a jet engine burns fuel. When we get low on these, we lose our luster, motivation, and stamina.
10. Fibre The recommended fibre intake is 25-35 grams per day, but the average person only gets 15 grams daily. Fibre has many important functions in the body including weight management, heart health, and digestion.

I can see there are a few more things I might need to add to my medicine cabinet?  How about you?  What vitamins do you take? Image

Anyway I didn’t think Swiss finishing schools were real. Sure I read about them in the Chalet School books, but that was fiction. Right? Wrong. For one Swiss finishing school has survived the change to the new millennium and continues to offer “social graces” for rich girls.

It’s a place where you can learn to peel a kiwi fruit with cultery, learning to pace oneself while eating so one don’t leave one’shusband in one’s wake and learning from which side to serve the the pear-and-Roquefort tarts (from the left if you must know).

Time magazine reports:

For nearly 60 years, IVP — Switzerland’s last traditional finishing school — has taught women social graces, from floral arrangement and table decoration to the art of serving afternoon tea. Updated annually, its intensive six-week course consists of 216 hours of class and, for those working toward a diploma in international etiquette and protocol, 45 exams. Daily practice brings students up to speed on how to whip up the trendiest desserts — like mascarpone mousse and balsamic cream, a fresh alternative to tiresome tiramisu — and how to gracefully adhere to local customs in 20 countries, including Mexico (where you may shake your waiter’s hand) and Japan (where you should never use chopsticks as decorations in swept-up hair). But contrary to stereotype, the motive is not marriage; it’s money. “Lots of people have M.B.A.s, but few have the extra knowledge we can give them,” says Viviane Néri, the school’s principal. “People now realize that good manners make for good business.”

Clients include princesses, lawyers, Supreme Court judges and the daughters of Prime Ministers. Not that you’d know of course. It’s very discreet. No last names.

A six week course costs $20 000 which includes accommodation, excursions and two meals a day. I’d have fitted right in. Image

So here goes–my top ten list of lessons learned from The Lodge on the Solomon Islands.

1. If you are travelling with connecting flights always used the national carrier that owns the connecting flights. This proved particularly useful when the Dash 8s were grounded due to a plane crash and we were guaranteed flights off the island to Honiara. Yes, it may have been a little, tiny plane flown by a great big pilot, yes we were weighed before getting on the plane, but we did make our flight home.
2. Being slightly drunk helps one board a tiny plane.
3. Tinned whole tomatoes can be squashed up with a vodka bottle to make bloody marys.
4. It is best not to do squash tomatoes while wearing a white kaftan.
5. 30+ waterproof sunblock does work for four hours.
6. Rash shirts do provide excellent sun protection while snorkelling, fishing and kayaking therefore preventing even more sun cancers.
7. Rash shirts will never be a fashion item.
8. There is no such thing as a decent face sunblock. Body sunblocks and zinc cream cause big fat acne pimples. Proper face sunblock does not stay on in the water.  If there is such a thing as waterproof, non-pore blocking face sunblock could someone let me know or at least invent it.
9. Freckles under ones eyes look really strange (see lesson 8).
10. Buy your full duty free alcohol allowance.  You will drink it all.

• They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot and then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery If you had to do this to survive you were “piss poor”.
• But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot. They “didn’t have a pot to piss in” and were the lowest of the low.
• In the 1500s most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
• Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Here’s where the saying, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water!” evolved.
• Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, “It’s raining cats and dogs.”
• There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. A bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.
• The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, “Dirt poor.”
• The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way–a threshold.
• In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old”.
• Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, “bring home the bacon.” They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.
• Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
• Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
• Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom; “of holding a wake”.
• England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people so they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, “saved by the bell” or was “considered a dead ringer”.  Image

“You may feel that you are keeping fit by doing a weekly yoga class, but you aren’t,’ Roberts said. ‘The reason why everyone likes yoga is that it isn’t very hard. Yes, there are individual parts of your body that are being worked hard, but with every form of exercise you should ask yourself is it intensive enough? Is my heartbeat raised? Am I out of breath and sweating for at least 25 to 30 minutes at a time? The answer when you’re doing yoga is, I suspect, no.’

U.S. consumer watchdog, the American Council on Exercise (ACE), commissioned researchers at the University of Wisconsin’s human performance laboratory to investigate the fitness benefits of yoga.

‘You get changes in strength and muscular endurance, flexibility and balance — all those types of things — but, in order to improve aerobic capacity, essentially the efficiency of your heart and lungs, you really need to be working in the training zone where your heart rate reaches 70 to 80 per cent of your maximum,’ says Professor John Porcari, who led the study. ‘Based on what we found, the intensity just wasn’t there.’

They found that 50-minutes of hatha burned just 144 calories, no better than a slow walk. Even the 50-minute power yoga class burned only 237 calories (half the amount of a circuit class).

However experts do say that yoga does have its place in a fitness programme if you want to improve flexibility.

US musculoskeletal specialist Dr Karen Sherman says a recent study showed that a gentle yoga class seemed a better alternative to ‘either general exercise or a self-help book’ for back pain. But Dr Sherman also found that more vigorous types of yoga, such as ashtanga, and classes led by poorly qualified instructors, could make problems worse.

I’d agree with this. Due to minor surgery I’ve had to abandon my twice weekly yoga class. And hey presto my constant back pain has disappeared. Maybe I’ll take up running–that does sound hard. Image