Check out this photo that appeared in the November issue of O magazine. It’s of a woman called Katie Halchishick marked up by a plastic surgeon. This is what would have to be cut away should Katie want a body like Barbie.

But the one thing that is really puzzling me is how they plan on getting the whole standing on tippy toes thing that Barbie does so well. Image

Actually Barbie and Ken have tied the knot millions of times when every little girl in the world march Barbie down the aisle with a handkerchief draped on her head. My Barbie never got to marry Ken. She had to marry GI Joe because I was one of those deprived children who never had a Ken doll.

I don’t think this wedding has been endorsed by Mattel. They are the brainstorm of photographer Beatrice de Guigne who has way cooler Barbie gear than I ever did. Jealous much.

This is the link to the full wedding album featured on Glamour’s site. If you’re thinking of getting married you should check out every cliched wedding shot.

As an aside that is nothing to do with Barbie’s wedding–get yourself to a department store and check out Barbie’s little black dress range. Seriously nice. I wanted to buy one just so I could get a Vietnamese tailor to copy it for me. Image

So Sarah bought Poppy a boob job. For her sixth birthday. That sort of makes the botox mum look like Mrs Brady doesn’t it? Poppy apparently squealed in delight. She’s going to have to keep that excitement in check though for Poppy can’t use her boob job voucher until she’s sixteen. Personally if I was Poppy I’d be bummed. I’d much rather have a puppy, but then my mother is not a walking Barbie doll.

Sarah has provided an excellent role model for her daughter. She’s spent over $1 million dollars on cosmetic enhancements. Poppy is so impressed with her mother that she The Daily Mail reports that she said, ‘I can’t wait to be like Mummy with big boobs. They’re pretty.’

Poppy celebrated her big day with seven friends who enjoyed manicures, pedicures and makeovers. They dressed up with fake tattoos, drank pretend champagne in the back of a pink pamper bus and ate a designer cake costing £250. Poppy wore a £300 dress for the party, adding nail varnish, eyeshadow and hair extensions.

According to mother Sarah, Poppy is not really into parties that feature pass the parcel and bouncy castles (and no that’s not an alternate name for Mummy’s chest). Image

Imagine, companies like say Nokia would make phone ads with Barba (said love child’s name) as the main feature. And they could clone her and have lots of Barbas.  Image

Well imagine no more as Nokia has done it already. Here’s the clip.

So, would headspinning, tattooed, multiple Barba convince you to buy a phone? That would be no from me.

But a Kate Middleton/Princess Kate/Duchess of Cambridge Barbie–now that would be huge. Anyway, as usual I’m behind the eight ball, for already there is a Princess Catherine bride doll available–right now. And for the grand price of $150. Gosh that’s a lot of money for a doll. Here’s the link if you’re hankering for you own PKate doll.

Still not convinced? Well let me sell her to you. She’s fully poseable. That seems a little unseemly to me, but whatever floats your boat. Me, I’d link her onto the arm of my favourite Ken doll (if I had one). Not as nice as sweet William, but I don’t think anyone’s made a doll likeness of him. Actually there’s a thought. A Prince William action figure. You could have a helicopter, dress uniform, fatigues, crown, throne. Gosh it’s a marketer’s dream.

Sorry, I’ve digressed. Now back to the PKate doll or do you think KateCam might be better (Kate, Duchess of Cambridge)?

Anyway, here’s what they say on the website (I could never replicate such verbose and thorough description).

• This lifelike doll portrait is handcrafted in fine bisque porcelain, hand-painted to capture Princess Catherine’s radiant, regal beauty on her wedding day, and is fully poseable
• The Princess Catherine wedding dress and ensemble includes her sparkling royal tiara, her bridal bouquet of Sweet William and lilies, and her elegant, 8-foot train, carefully recreated with elegant precision

Do you really think that the doll has an eight foot train, or is to scale? Gosh it would take up a lot of room in the display cabinet if it really was 8 foot long. Actually she’s going to take up a lot of room anyway as she’s 16 inches high. She’s going to need a whole shelf. She might even get a whole cabinet if you buy other royal wedding crap like plates, coins and other dust collectors.

Anyway I’ve been thinking. Do you think Kate would buy her own doll? It would seem quite narcissistic, wouldn’t it, to have your own likeness sitting on a shelf in the living room. Nah, don’t think she would. Do you? Image

But is toymaker Mattel crossing the line with its new range of dolls in the Monster High Line. Barbie these dolls are not. They are the monster offspring of a range of traditional monsters ranging from Frankenstein to Dracula. Gosh Twilight has a lot to answer for.

So let’s have a look at the wax rat Clawdeen Wolf. Daddy is the Werewolf so the girl has a bit of hair, not just down there, but everywhere. A canine forebearer will do that for a girl. So how does the lovely Clawdeen cope? Well this is what she has to say.

My hair is worthy of a shampoo commercial, and that’s just what grows on my legs. Plucking and shaving is definitely a full-time job but that’s a small price to pay for being scarily fabulous.

She’s also into shopping and flirting with boys. Such an empowering message to be sending to eight year olds.

Though to her credit Clawdeen does fancy a rare steak. Now that is refreshing–a girl who eats meat. Anaemia begone if waxed, flirty (and let’s be frank hideous) Clawdeen has her way.

Anyway if you want to have a look at Clawdeen, I’ve found a strangely addictive site where you play dressups. Click here to play. Image

I guess when you look like a real walking Barbie doll there are really only two looks you can pull off–a) leave something to the imagination or b) if you’ve got it flaunt it. I guess there’s always c)sexy librarian too, but options a) and c) clearly never entered Brynne Edlelsten’s head when she chose her outfit for the Brownlow Medal on Monday night.

For Brynne it was flaunt it, get it out there, show them what you’ve got, leave nothing to the imagination. I am a publicity generating machine.

It’s just occurred to me that you may not know who Brynne is. She’s married to Geoffrey Edelsten, the doctor who ripped of Medicare and went to jail. Mixed up with the Swans and Warwick Capper in the 90’s. Obviously he’s not in jail anymore (Edelston that is, no idea where Capper is). Edelstone’s currently channelling sugar daddy Ken doll does hair transplant and pulling it off with a bit of success.

Anyway Brynne turned up to the Brownlows in a black lace number with white shoes. I know, white shoes. What was she thinking? I actually haven’t seen that much boob since oh I don’t know, Hayley Bracken at some cricket do earlier in the year. Hayley wore an very startling number that she designed herself. You can check it out here. But anyway back to Brynne. She too dabbled in some self design work.

Apparently her and a few girlfriends got together and designed the skirt section of the dress and made it earlier in the week. Can’t you see it now? Brynne, a few of the girlies, 10 metres of black tulle from Lincraft, a hot glue gun and a bedazzler.

She mustn’t have been happy with the result though because she ripped it off a la Frida and Agnetha from ABBA before she went into the ceremony. I wonder what she did with it then? Did she have to carry it round all night because that could have been really annoying. If I’d have been her I’d have chucked it in the bin, it was that hideous.

2. If the shoe fits – buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt…. A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? – Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I’m on it and so far I’ve lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down – just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I’m in my own little world, but it’s  ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don’t get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2010 – turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember wherever there is a good looking; sweet, single or married man, there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.
14. If it has Tires or Testicles it’s gonna give you TROUBLE.

15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she’s wrong.

Image

After being a doctor, a tennis player, a pilot AND a flight attendant, Barbie has got a whizz bang 21st century career, this time as a Computer Engineer. The tragedy of it is that all the little girls out there who voted wanted Barbie to be an anchor woman, and I do too.

Anchor women are cool. We call them newsreaders here in Australia. They go to all the best events, get loads of free stuff, interview celebrities, wear really, really nice clothes, have perfect teeth/tans/hair–they are Barbie pinups. What a brilliant career for any little girl to aspire to via their Barbie doll. No longevity in it of course, but hey they can always become spruikers on the shopping channel.

But no the computer geeks beat the kids at their own game and now Barbie is a Computer Engineer replete with black sparkly leggings, pony tail and loads of Barbie pink accessories like geek glasses and bluetooth headsets. Serves the computer girl voters right, pink bluetooth indeed, bet they wish they’d let her be a newreader now.

But what is really interesting is that computer geeks (and I’m not being mean as the mass voting was masterminded by GeekGirlCamp and someone from the US Dept of Defense) aspire to have Barbie as their role model. Perhaps Barbie is not feminist poison at all.

Think about it. Computer geek girls have made it in a male dominated industry. They are looking for recognition and want other females to think about technology as a career choice. Enter Barbie, their new best friend and inspiration to young girls the world over. Barbie is everything that stereotypical tech heads are not. She’s has enormous assets and great hair. Her only flaw is that she walks around on tip toe like Victoria Beckham. So keen are the tech heads to enhance their image via Barbie that they even offered input into how Computer Geek Engineer Barbie should be dressed.

They wanted her to look cool and hip. She wasn’t to be dressed in a lab coat. The techs didn’t want her “to make us look like nerds”. Fat chance of that happening. When has Barbie ever looked like a nerd?

Anyway statistics suggest that the Computer Geek Engineer Barbie might be the saviour of an industry that is struggling to attract new talent with university graduates in the field of technology dropping significantly in the last 20 years. Personally I would be happy to be labelled a geek if I were smart enough to invent say Google or Facebook or anything else that could generate billions of dollars for me.

But not all is lost. Mattel felt sorry for the little girls around the United States and are releasing Anchorwoman Barbie alongside Computer Engineer Barbie later this year. I know which one I’d like. Yep, that’s right the one with the pink microphone.  Image