Those sorts of behaviour tend to make me want to walk out. Actually there is no tend about it. I do. And don’t go back for quite a while. And then I tell everyone I know about it.

I suspend cafes and restaurants. That means I will not darken its door, part with one cent of my cash for a given period of time (usually until I have forgotten how bad it was). One local wine bar is currently suspended for six months. Another has just come back from a year long suspension. I’m pleased to say it has lifted its game. It’s actually come to the state where my friends want to know which places are suspended so they can too avoid them, or at least avoid trying to meet me there as I won’t go.

The thing that is really annoying me at the moment though is the corkage charge. Now I don’t mind paying corkage. Especially when a place has a liquor licence. Corkage is fair. It’s especially fair when you are provided with a wine bucket, some decent glasses, the wine is untwisted and a bonus if the waiter treats your drop like it’s been purchased from their own winelist. However when I was charged $10 a head corkage at a new, unlicensed restaurant AND I had to ask for a wine bucket, glasses and then open and pour myself, well let’s just say I was little miffed. I haven’t suspended it but I only eat breakfast there now (even I don’t drink wine at breakfast).

Seems I’m not alone in this general jack-offedness about restuarants. One critic says that he wants to take a bottle of white-out to restuarants so that he can white out the unavailable wine choices that although on the list are usally unavailabe. Another mentions an EATING/DONE EATING sign that they can put out so that waiters get the general idea.

I’d personally like to add my own YES sign to flash at waiters as they invariably swoop in to ask if I’m enjoying my meal right when I filled my mouth up with food. Actually I wish they’d just go away. I’ll let them know if I’m not enjoying my meal or my clean plate will tell them that I did. See old and grumpy.

So here are some other ideas that critics (via the SMH) have suggested to improve the dining experience.

• Torch so you can read menus in dim lighting.
• Wedge to put under wobbly table legs.
• Sunscreen and hat for when you’re seated outside under an umbrella but the sun moves.
• Cardigan for over-airconditioning.
• Spare reading glasses: for the dimwit in every middle-aged group (eg my husband) who forgets to bring theirs and has to get their long-suffering partner (eg me) to read the whole menu to them.
• Pepper grinder: when you want control over how much pepper goes on your food, and when.
• Spare knife and fork: for when yours falls on the floor from those big white bowls that everything slips off.
• Whistle to attract waiters.
• Matches for lighting unlit table candles and in case you forget the torch (see above).
• GPS for navigating the way to hard-to-find toilets.  Image

And here I was thinking that we had a drink after work just because we wanted to trash our livers.

Anyway the study says that the endorphins released, and they showed this by using brain imaging, are similar to those produced by laughing or exercising. The stress and pain-relieving proteins are naturally released in the brain and other tissues, producing similar effects to opiates such as morphine.

The only thing I find amazing about this study–that someone spent time, money and countless brain cells discovering something that the rest of the world has always known. Did we really need a study to prove that drinking makes us feel better?  Image

Sharks are misjudged. And it’s all the fault of the media and its loose use of terms such as shark attack. And Hollywood is to blame as well. What with Jaws movies and the like it’s little wonder that sharks cop a bad rap.

Well that’s what researcher Christopher Neff says, and now he wants us all to be a little more politically correct and respectful to sharks by abandoning the term shark attack in favour of shark bite incident and putting that whole Jaws imagery right out of our over-active imaginations.

Oh I can see it now. Headlines scream, Surfer eaten alive in shark bite incident. Actually I can’t see it at all because it is really, really stupid. Water it down all you like—a shark attack is what it is.

Mr Neff, and I don’t think anyone will be surprised when I tell you that he is an American, said that swimmers were not on the (shark) menu and “there is no evidence any shark species develops a taste for human flesh.”

OK, Mr Neff, give us some credit. I’m fairly confident that most of us realise that sharks are not out there swimming around looking for human fillet mignon a la Jaws. However we humans, swimming around in the sea are a potential food source and I think that is what scares the living lights out of us—the fact that whether we are a seal or a human makes no difference to the shark.

However Neff say that I am wrong about this and that sharks don’t eat humans because we provide low nutrition—yes we are the junk food of the sea food chain. So if we are so unhealthy and apparently unpalatable, why do sharks come back for a second bite? For example if I slipped my husband a piece of liver there’s no way he come back for a second go—he’d spit it right out and wash his mouth out with alcohol. Yet people report that the shark comes back for an encore during an attack/incident.

Neff goes on to say that we should avoid beaches at prime shark time. Yes we all so love to swim when the sharks are around—good sport that. My favourite beach at a township called Amity (and yes I’m aware that was the town in the Jaws movie) experienced a fatal shark attack a few years ago. I was swimming in that very spot the week before the attack. Do you think a chicken-heart like me would knowingly swim where there were sharks? No signs, no warnings. There are now though.

Since then I’ve spent all my time swimming at patrolled beaches. When recently holidaying at the Solomon Islands I spent hours quizzing the resort staff about shark attack potential. “Lagoon, lagoon,” they laughed as if I was supposed to be reassured. Haven’t they seen the movie The Beach. That bad old shark breached the lagoon and ate the hero’s best friend.

I swam but all the time worried that I could be a potential shark bite incident victim. See, it just sounds stupid. Image

The following is my Gen X Girl column that appears in the Townsville Bulletin’s Savvy magazine.

Apparently the world is going to end this year so I’m a bit hesitant about making New Year’s resolutions. Seems a bit of a waste to deprive oneself of alcohol and cheese to lose 10 kilos only to die before you get to show off about it.

However I will make resolutions, as I’m actually quite successful at it. Take last year’s resolution for example— to give up broccoli. Now some of you might think that’s an easy thing to do, but broccoli crops up everywhere. I spent the whole year vigilantly searching through my Thai food for the sneaky little green things so that I could chuck them out. I didn’t even cast a sideways glance at them as I passed them in the fruit and vege section.

It was difficult as everywhere I turned there was a news story touting broccoli as a superfod so resisting it took quite a lot of willpower. Despite it being quite a challenging resolution I did give up broccoli for a whole year and I feel a large sense of achievement because of it.

According to statistics however I am one of the few people who actually managed to achieve my resolution. I blame ambition and timing for this. Why on earth do people choose to go for the big things like giving up smoking the very day that they are suffering the best and first hangover of the year?

Willpower is low, craving is high and setting that goal to start on January 1 can only lead to a massive fail. What I propose is that no resolutions should be made or begun before January 7. That gives everyone the time and energy to continue to have a guilt free holiday hit out before the year really begins. Win-win situation.

I also suggest that people set their sights a little lower in order to achieve success. Now going for big stuff like giving up broccoli is only for seasoned professionals like me. If you struggle to keep your resolutions aim low. That’s why I suggest you give up prunes. Prunes, like broccoli are a superfood, so there’s still the challenge, but you won’t have to be picking out of your takeaway meals only your muesli. You will have to close your eyes tight as you walk past the packaged prunes at Coles, but I have every confidence in your ability to say no to prunes all year.

This success and sense of achievement will then lead you to making more ambitious resolutions for following years. Now you could go all unimaginative and do what everyone else does–boring stuff like lose weight, get fit, the aforementioned quitting smoking and other hohum stuff but you’re an individual—be your own person.

This year I tossed up all those things and added quite a few of my own like watching less TV and realising that alcohol is not a large slice of the healthy food pyramid, but that’s not how I want to sally forth into the new year.

So this is what I came up with. Every week, I am going to drink a bottle of French champagne. It could be difficult but I reckon I’m up to the task. After all, what’s life without a bit of challenge? Happy 2012

That all said, I admit to having a cleaning lady, but she’s a bit old and forgetful and she often doesn’t do stuff like clean the toilets and wash basins. So I do it when I come home from work. She does brilliant ironing though. I’d rather clean the toilet than iron. I really hate ironing. And she’s really sweet.

Anyway in a non-judgey way I realise that some people are a bit challenged when it comes to the cleaning department, sort of in the where in the hell do I start department, so I’ve found this info from the delightfully named Apartment Therapy that might help those of you who’ve made keeping the house clean a resolution. I’ll run the rest of it tomorrow.

• Deal with what comes through the door Set up a small area by the front door to act as a landing strip for incoming items into your home.
• Do your dishes after every meal This will help you stay on top of your kitchen instead of having it turn into a monster! No one really wants to do them (after all, you probably cooked dinner to boot). But waiting for another meal or until you have enough to fill the dishwasher just makes things feel overwhelming and easier to put off. The same goes for take out rubbish as well. If you need to take the rubbish out, place it by the front door to go out in the morning or dispose of it that night so it’s over and done with.
• Laundry If you have a washer and dryer at home, do a little bit each day. Spread things out so you don’t feel bogged down by 200 towels and stinky socks. If you take things to a laundromat, sort clothes as you go so things are easier to load up into machines when you get there. Fold them before you come home so you aren’t dumping baskets out on your sofa or bed and they can go straight into drawers and closets.
• Whistle while you work: Those who are happiest when cleaning are few and far between. Singing, humming, whistling or turning up the stereo are all great options to keep the beat in your feet and have fun while working. (Sadly I do not do this as everyone laughs at me and who can hear over the sound of the vacuum cleaner?)
• Set a timer: Most items on the list below should take no more than 20 minutes total. It’s easy to rationalize 20 minutes, but it’s also easy to get distracted by phone calls, emails, children and other projects that call your name as you tackle each chore. Set a timer for 5 or 10 minutes (which ever works best for you) and that way when it sounds you know exactly how much time you have left. If you find yourself off task it’s easy to get back on track.

I’ll add the following.

• Chuck out the newspaper and junk mail every day. Do the same for bottles. You don’t want your mother to think you’re an alcoholic when she see’s all the wine bottles lined up on the bench. Likewise for chucking them out en masse. Your neighbours will think you have a little problem.
• Deal with bills as soon as they come in if you can. Bad karma all those bills lying around the place. Pay them, file them. Get them out of sight.
• Put your clothes away before you go to bed. Put them in the laundry basket, hang them up if you’re rewearing them. Your floor is not a wardrobe. Same for shoes, find them a home and send them there.

Now if only I could get my family to read this. Image

Following is this week’s Gen X Girl weekly column that appears in the Townsville Bulletin’s Savvy magazine.

I had a houseful of Gen Ys over after Christmas. They all woke up distinctly green tinged, hoarse voiced and shaking hands. “Hangover” they all declared before proceeding to mope around the house, getting in the way and tiring me with their whinging.

People with hangovers really annoy me. As any good Gen X person knows, hangovers are not a badge of honour for our generation. A hangover is a sign of weakness. If you drink, you have a duty not to show it the next day.

So with New Year’s Eve festivities bearing down on us, I have devised my top 10 hangover cures. (Disclaimer: I am not a doctor nor do I claim to be. I am a drinker who prides herself on never getting hangovers. These cures were acquired by years of trial and error. Use at your own risk).

1. Vanilla milkshake and a chicko roll. I know it sounds disgusting but the milk puts a lining on your stomach, the vanilla flavour is full of sugar and the oil-soaked pastry gives sustenance. The cabbage in chicko rolls is a blood purifier.
2. Coke and fish and chips. It must be full strength Coke and the fish and chips must be accompanied by vinegar and tomato sauce. A perfectly balanced meal of carbs, protein and fat.
3. Dehydration powder, water and asprin mixed together in one glass. The dehydration powder (the stuff you take when you get diarrhoea) replenishes your electrolytes, the asprin is a pain killer and water rehydrates you.
4. Milk thistle. You can buy this herb from the chemist or health food store. The instructions say to take one with each meal. I prefer to take about five when I come home after a big night out and another five when I get up. Then I pop them all day. I repeat I am not a doctor so you should probably follow the directions on the bottle.
5. Drink a Bloody Mary. This is how I make them. Pour a nip of vodka in the bottom of a glass, add ice, fill the glass with V8 Hot and Spicy, sprinkle in a little Tabasco and a squeeze of lemon. Stir and drink. Repeat as often as necessary.
6. Cherry ripe and Coke. This is a variation on the fish and chip combination, but is ideal for those with a sweet tooth. The combination of caffeine, sugar and fat has curative properties.
7. Drink a slug of water as soon as you get home from a night out. Don’t do this the next day. Water is poison the day after drinking unless you add things like sugar to it. But the night before—as much as you can get down.
8. Go for a swim and put you head under water. It’s very peaceful under water and your inflamed brain cells shrink from the cold.
9. Drink some Gatorade. If you can tolerate drinking something that colour with a hangover, you can do anything.
10. Drink a Gold stubby. This is only for the truly desperate. It’s can’t be any other type of beer and don’t even think of drinking it from a can. It must be an ice cold Gold stubby with condensation on the side.

Choose one or choose them all. Happy New Year. Image

This is my column from this week’s Savvy magazine, that appears in the Townsville Bulletin.

The letter box is full of junk mail, the shopping centre carparks are full and there’s the ubiquitous hum of Jingle Bells playing in the background. It can only mean one thing—time for the work Christmas party.

Now in the olden days, work Christmas parties were fun-filled affairs with the office junior donning the Santa suit and Betty, the office manager, dressing up like sexy Mrs Claus. The party operated a bit along the mantra that what goes on tour stays on tour.

However, Workplace Health and Safety have just delivered an edict to employers warning them that any injuries or incidents occurring as a result of the work Christmas party are the responsibility of the employer. That’s the quickest way I know of to put the kibosh on free grog. Who’s going to let their staff get tanked if they’re responsible for seeing them off safely? It will be Coke all the way for some staff, and I do mean the stuff you drink.

The Law Institute of Victoria has gone so far as to compile a list of guidelines for employers that will ensure a litigation-free party. Suggestions include putting start and finish times in writing, employers setting a good example by drinking in moderation (hmm, lawyers, always a good example of those who practise drinking in moderation), encouraging non-drinkers to be designated drivers (yep, you don’t get to drink AND you get to drive drunks home—fun, fun, fun) and discouraging inappropriate behaviour.

So there’s the fun police version of what you should and shouldn’t do at the office party. However, in the interests of common sense, I have made a top ten list of things you might like to consider.

1. Beer goggles. Remember that you are wearing them after your third glass of wine. Your judgment is impaired, your vision is impaired and you are not in control. Stay away from the office assistants.
2. Photocopying your bum is not a good idea. A photocopied bum is not a thing of beauty. Do you want 100 copies of yours papering the office? Thought not.
3. Pole dancing should be for strip clubs and trendy exercise classes. Do not gyrate around the support columns in the office no matter how hot you think you will look.
4. Wear appropriate clothes, it’s a work party, not a singles bar. And do you really want your boss looking at your boobs?
5. Keep your clothes on. Please.
6. Don’t hit on anyone. Again it’s an office do, not a singles bar. Do you really want to deal with the repercussions of Kevin in acquisitions thinking you really, really, really like him?
7. Drink, but not too much. If you don’t drink you look like a wowser. If you drink too much you look like, well, a drunk. It’s a fine line. Good luck.
8. Don’t talk about work. Eek, kill me now. And add your children to that. Remember only you and their grandparents find them fascinating.
9. Don’t hog the food. This includes stalking the waitress with the canapé tray. Double dipping is a hangable offence.
10. Don’t be unsociable. Standing around looking like you are sucking a lemon makes you look like a snotty cow. Remove the stick from your behind and perhaps go and photocopy it.

Image

According to Cara (I feel that we should be on first name terms) the diet is half healthy and half fun. Inspired by a lifestyle that included lots of socialising, Cara developed the Champagne diet. By the way, a glass of champagne has 91 calories. That’s nothing. Less than a carton of yogurt. Hmm–yogurt, champagne. What’s a girl to do.

There is no forbidden food, rather a commitment to healthy eating and “glamourising” meals.

‘I encourage “glamourising” your meals,’ she says. ‘Don’t order the fatty cheeseburger with fries and cola. Instead, get a smoked salmon bagel with a mixed greens salad and a glass of Champagne. Start putting the best into your body.’

Cara’s theory is that eating ‘classy’ foods makes you value your body more so you are less likely to overeat.
Anyway here’s a typical eating plan (totalling about 1200 to 1400 calories a day) as outlined by the Daily Mail.
BREAKFAST: Wholegrain bagel with olive oil-based spreadable butter.
SNACK: Banana.
LUNCH: Flatbread pizza with goats’ cheese, roasted red peppers and mushrooms.
DINNER: Tilapia (I have no idea what that is) with mixed vegetables.
SNACK: One or two glasses of champagne.
Cheers Cara. Love you long time. Image