Those sorts of behaviour tend to make me want to walk out. Actually there is no tend about it. I do. And don’t go back for quite a while. And then I tell everyone I know about it.

I suspend cafes and restaurants. That means I will not darken its door, part with one cent of my cash for a given period of time (usually until I have forgotten how bad it was). One local wine bar is currently suspended for six months. Another has just come back from a year long suspension. I’m pleased to say it has lifted its game. It’s actually come to the state where my friends want to know which places are suspended so they can too avoid them, or at least avoid trying to meet me there as I won’t go.

The thing that is really annoying me at the moment though is the corkage charge. Now I don’t mind paying corkage. Especially when a place has a liquor licence. Corkage is fair. It’s especially fair when you are provided with a wine bucket, some decent glasses, the wine is untwisted and a bonus if the waiter treats your drop like it’s been purchased from their own winelist. However when I was charged $10 a head corkage at a new, unlicensed restaurant AND I had to ask for a wine bucket, glasses and then open and pour myself, well let’s just say I was little miffed. I haven’t suspended it but I only eat breakfast there now (even I don’t drink wine at breakfast).

Seems I’m not alone in this general jack-offedness about restuarants. One critic says that he wants to take a bottle of white-out to restuarants so that he can white out the unavailable wine choices that although on the list are usally unavailabe. Another mentions an EATING/DONE EATING sign that they can put out so that waiters get the general idea.

I’d personally like to add my own YES sign to flash at waiters as they invariably swoop in to ask if I’m enjoying my meal right when I filled my mouth up with food. Actually I wish they’d just go away. I’ll let them know if I’m not enjoying my meal or my clean plate will tell them that I did. See old and grumpy.

So here are some other ideas that critics (via the SMH) have suggested to improve the dining experience.

• Torch so you can read menus in dim lighting.
• Wedge to put under wobbly table legs.
• Sunscreen and hat for when you’re seated outside under an umbrella but the sun moves.
• Cardigan for over-airconditioning.
• Spare reading glasses: for the dimwit in every middle-aged group (eg my husband) who forgets to bring theirs and has to get their long-suffering partner (eg me) to read the whole menu to them.
• Pepper grinder: when you want control over how much pepper goes on your food, and when.
• Spare knife and fork: for when yours falls on the floor from those big white bowls that everything slips off.
• Whistle to attract waiters.
• Matches for lighting unlit table candles and in case you forget the torch (see above).
• GPS for navigating the way to hard-to-find toilets.  Image

Take a look and see if these images inspire you for 2012.

By the way–these Bupa ads–what on earth is Bupa?

Anyway that’s off the point. Here’s one of Jane’s workout vids where she get Lilien to sing Do It. Tragically I remember all the words. I also remember my intense dislike of the exerciser wearing the stupid white visor. I hate visors–white or otherwise. And why does anyone need a visor inside? Wonder what she looks like now and if she’s still wearing that stupid white visor.

Image

To my father, Spam was canned ham. To my daughter, it’s naughty, annoying email. Here are 21 more expressions which mean something totally different to him than to her.

Tweet
To my father: what a bird says.
To my kid: what Kim Kardashian says.
Pre-game
To my father: the period before the actual game began.
To my kid: drinking before the actual drinking begins.
CD
To my father: ‘certificate of deposit,’ a financial product that once earned interest.
To my kid: what parents used to listen to music on before iTunes.
Stream
To my father: running water in the woods. (Later in life, the efficiency of his bladder to evacuate.)
To my kid: what gets Justin Bieber performing on her computer screen.
Like
To my father: a positive sentiment, generally about a person, place or thing.
To my kid: a “button” (on Facebook) expressing one’s vote of agreement.
Text
To my father: the original words of something written or printed.
To my kid: phone message made up of the letters OMG, LOL & WTF.
Junk
To my father: the stuff in one’s attic.
To my kid: the stuff in one’s pants.
Chat
To my father: what you do in person with friends.
To my kid: what you do on a computer with buddies.
Social network
To my father: friends and neighbors with whom you actually hang out.
To my kid: people you “know” on Facebook and Twitter, most of whom you’ve never met.
#
To my father: number sign
To my kid: hashtag
Roaming
To my father: What the buffalo did on the range.
To my kid: Excessive phone charges, paid by parent.
Swipe
To my father: to steal.
To my kid: what you do with a credit card, also paid by parent.
The shit
To my father: what a dog left on the sidewalk.
To my kid: something awesome.
The bomb
To my father: Hiroshima.
To my kid: also something awesome.
Reality
To my father: the state of things as they actually exist.
To my kid: TV shows that bear no resemblance to the state of things as they actually exist.
The Jersey Shore
To my father: The beach where Jersey people went in the summer.
To my kid: A “reality” show featuring halfwits exhibiting bad behavior.
The situation
To my father: A state of affairs.
To my kid: Asinine guy with great abdominals, exhibiting bad behavior.
Digital
To my father: A thermometer.
To my kid: An entire way of life, dude.
Weed
To my father: what grew on the lawn.
To my kid: what the kids bring to school.
Get Busy
To my father: To occupy yourself.
To my kid: To occupy yourself having sex.
Cougar
To my father: Large wild cat preying on deer.
To my kid: Older wild woman preying on younger men.
Muffin top
To my father: Top of a muffin.
To my kid: Fat role around the waist.
Gangster, now as “gangsta”
To my father: Al Capone.
To my kid: Fifty Cent (aka “Fitty”).
Fifty
To my father: 50.
To my kid: The new 40.
Sick
To my father: Physically ill.
To my kid: Fantastic.
Ill
To my father: Physically sick.
To my kid: Also fantastic.
Ecstasy
To my father: A trance-like state of absolute euphoria.
To my kid: A pill, to produce a trance-like state of absolute euphoria.
Energy Drink
To my father: Coffee.
To my kid: Red Bull.
Vietnam
To my father: Horrendous war.
To my kid: Wonderful tourist destination.
Crib
To my father: Where a baby sleeps.
To my kid: Where a rapper sleeps.
ED
To my father: Talking horse of old TV show (“A horse is a horse, of course of course…”)
To my kid: Erectile dysfunction (“Seek immediate medical attention for an erection lasting over four hours.”)
Wicked
To my father: Very bad.
To my kid: Very good.
Train wreck
To my father: A train that was wrecked.
To my kid: Lindsay Lohan

Can you think of any more? Image

This is my Gen X Girl column from this week’s Savvy Magazine that appears in the Townsville Bulletin.

It’s no secret that I enjoy a drop of wine. OK, to be fair maybe that could be more than a mere drop, but I’m hardly Robinson Crusoe. Anyway big suck in to me because now I’m definitely going to get breast cancer. Well that’s what some study says anyway.

According to a recent Harvard University study, having one unit of wine a day could increase a woman’s risk of breast cancer by 15%. Having two units of wine a day will increase it by 50%. This is very bad news, especially when you consider that a unit is a piddling 100ml.

Is anyone putting down their glass of sav blanc as this read this riveting piece of information? Didn’t think so. If you’re anything like me you’ve learned to disregard information like this. We’re all suffering from Conflicting Health Theory Overload Syndrome.

Now this is not yet a medically recognised syndrome. I just made it up, but I have every confidence that it’s going to be picked up by the medical profession.

As a practical example of CHTOS let’s take my old friend wine. Wasn’t it only last year that health experts were advocating a couple of glasses a wine for cardio-vascular health? So for the sake of our health we enjoyed our daily tipple, reinforced by the results of another study that says drinkers live longer than kill-joy abstainers. Yippee. Heart beating fine and we’re fun and then along comes the latest study saying that we women are going to get cancer. Stupid sexist study.

Wine’s not the only breast cancer causing culprit out there. Apparently underarm deodorants are a big no-no. Sorry, I’m not giving that up—no one will talk to me. And wide strapped underwire bras are also taboo. That should boost the sale of those hideous ah ha bras that are being flogged on TV at the moment.

We’re also warned to avoid tooth fillings and root canals. I’m not sure that one can avoid a root canal. It’s not as though anyone chooses to have one. It’s more the pain that drives people to pay exorbitant sums of money to dentists rather than an aesthetic but there I go being all judgmental.

Anyway because I read a lot of women’s magazines and spend too much time on the internet I have a wealth of conflicting medical advice that may be helpful to you. So here goes.

1. Yoga does not make you fit because you mostly lie around a lot.
2. Bananas can help you give up smoking. A banana costs more than a cigarette.
3.  If your poo looks like little hard balls you are in trouble. Miranda Kerr says so.
4.  Drinking eight glasses of water a day is bunkum.
5. Your coffee addiction is inherited from your parents. Yes it really is your mother’s fault.
6. The whiskey diet is true. Lady Gaga said so.
7. Swearing reduces blood pressure.
8. Running is bad for you.
9. Soy can lead to the excessive feminisation of men. Put the soy and linseed bread back on the shelf boys.
10. 30% of men do not wash their hands after going to the toilet. Image

Experts suggest that a vitamin intake such as mine contributes nothing to the body except expensive pee. Cynical bunch those scientists.

Anyway here’s a list of the vitamins I take: Swisse ultivite for women (Sonya Kruger says it’s the best and she seems full of life so I believe her.  It also sounds fancy), magnesium (because I get cramps all the time), Cabot’s Thyroid Support (don’t think it actually does anything at all), chlorophyll (because it’s very green and therefore has to be healthy), fish oil (for cholesterol prevention), milk thistle (because of all the wine I drink), glucosamine (for my sore knees), probiotic (because it’s good for me) and occasionally Vitamin B (when I’m stressed). That’s quite a comprehensive list, isn’t it? Wow, I really am a vitamin junkie.

For your info though John Dempster, a hot naturopath from Toronto, has compiled a list of essential vitamins and supplement for everyone’s optimum health. Here it is:

1. Whole Food MultivitaminMultivitamins are a dime a dozen these days. The classic one-a-day just doesn’t meet the demands of today’s lifestyles and environmental pressures. One of the best available today is Ultra preventive X (Douglas Labs). It has a therapeutic multivitamin blend combined with 20 powerful super foods, thus acting as a Whole Food Multivitamin. I take this every day.
2. Omega-3 Fatty Acids/Fish Oils There are many sources of Omega-3s on the market – and with that – just as much misinformation about these popular supplements. In short, only fish oil contains EPA/DHA – the best form of available omega-3 oils. These are most effective via a pharmaceutical-grade fish or krill oil.
3. Traumeel Cream This award-winning product is great to keep around for any bumps, bruises, sprains, or strains. And you don’t have to be an athlete to accumulate those injuries.
4. Magnesium This wonder mineral is extremely helpful for those suffering from high blood pressure, headaches, anxiety, and constipation. How many people do you know with these symptoms?
5. Digestive AidThis product contains betaine HCL – a powerful and safe way to boost your digestive juices. Keep these in your purse or coat pocket; they’re an essential way to get control of gastric distress, namely gas and bloating.
6. Vitamin D Quickly becoming one of the nutritional gems of the media, this nutrient helps to reduce risk of most cancers, autoimmune conditions, and heart disease. But before you start popping massive doses, have your ND check your blood levels to maintain a safe amount.
7. GreensWe’re a society not getting enough fruits and vegetables – our main source of antioxidants. This is a huge factor in terms of the rise of chronic illnesses including cancer and heart disease. If you’re not getting a full ten servings of fruits and vegetables per day, using a high quality Greens product is a no-brainer. Still, eat your greens!
8. ProbioticsThese beneficial bacteria are similar to those naturally found in your body, which are often decreased by lifestyle factors and health conditions. Probiotics can help replenish this friendly bacteria that can be depleted by age, poor diet, stress, antibiotic therapy, and certain medical conditions. Studies confirm that consuming probiotics regularly can significantly improve digestive and immune health. They also help maintain a great complexion.
9. B-Complex If you’re balancing a life filled with work, family, friends, and social activity, you’re likely using B vitamins like a jet engine burns fuel. When we get low on these, we lose our luster, motivation, and stamina.
10. Fibre The recommended fibre intake is 25-35 grams per day, but the average person only gets 15 grams daily. Fibre has many important functions in the body including weight management, heart health, and digestion.

I can see there are a few more things I might need to add to my medicine cabinet?  How about you?  What vitamins do you take? Image

This is my weekly column from the

Can you touch type? Kudos. Big merit to you. Well it would be a big merit if you were completing the 100 Point Behaviour Test for Teenagers formulated in 1953 by Dr George Crane.

I’ve always thought touch-typing to be a necessary skill. Not sure that it contributes to the worth of a 2011 teenager though. Actually I wish I had the skill of fast texting that all teenagers inherit at birth. The skill that lays dormant and festering through childhood and then manifests itself in a frenzy of thumb tapping to sent out at lightning speed searching messages like “wazzup” on their thirteenth birthday. Me, I use the keyboard on my phone to send the equally searching but beautifully punctuated “How are you?” Fortunately (for my street cred) I have abandoned the emicon. That was a very lame period of my life.

Anyway back to the meritorious behaviour of the 1953 teen. Regular church attendance will score you ten merits, but showing racist behaviour—well that gets you a big demerit of five points. But being a racist is nowhere as bad as “illicit sexual relations” which earns the horny teen a whopping twenty demerit points. Let this be a lesson in moderation to you young people.

OK, I know you’re just dying to know other ways that the 1953 teen could redeem themselves. So here’s an incomplete list: play a musical instrument, sing in a choir (I’m sensing a theme), has operated a newspaper route , teach a Sunday school class, asks to be excused when leaving the table early, depends on the alarm clock to get up instead of mamma, knows how to swim and wipes toothpaste specks from the mirror. That’s a diverse list of requirements.

The list of demerits is equally varied. The errant teen: flirts while on a date or is a “two timer”, cheats at school, fails to clean the comb after using it, is grumpy or caustic in the morning and accepts foolish dares to please others (planking on railings anyone?).

Anyway in the interests of recapturing my lost youth, and the absence of any willing teenagers prepared to tell me the truth, I conducted the test on myself. I’ll tell you now I fell down on all the church and prayer stuff and the profanity bit and that whole thing about drinking alcoholic beverages and gambling. I also failed on all the musical merits. I did try singing in a choir, once, and I was so bad that they asked me to do the big smile and mouth the words. This suggestion has been repeated when I sing karaoke.

I did excel at the household chores though. I regularly take the garbage out without nagging, I can prepare an entire meal on my own and I know how to swim. I never stick gum under the table and have stayed away from home for a week. Whew—at least I got some in the positive column.

Anyway I’ve totted up my score and let’s just say I failed. Apparently I have the emotional intelligence of a kindergartner. The children of 1953 must have been very virtuous, or maybe this test is a crock.

Does Guitar Hero count as playing a musical instrument? Image

• Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.
• PMS: Forget the pills – eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.
• Anemia: High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.
• Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat high blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit’s ability to reduce the risk of high blood pressure and stroke.
• Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school (England) were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.
• Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.
• Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach, and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.
• Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body. So if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.
• Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.
• Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.
• Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.
• Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.
• Ulcers: The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.
• Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a “cooling” fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.
• Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.
• Smoking & Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6 and B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.
• Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain, and regulates your body’s water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.
• Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!
• Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape!
• Shoe Shine: Take the inside of the banana skin and rub it directly on a leather shoe. Polish with dry cloth. Hey presto–shiny shoes that smell like banana.

To quote Rachel Zoe–”that’s bananas”. (Sorry couldn’t resist). Image

This is my Gen X Girl column for this week’s Savvy magazine published in The Townsville Bulletin.

I’m starting to think I might be quite old. I actually remember when the internet was discovered. OK, it wasn’t discovered like Captain Cook discovered Australia, but discovered like when it first came out. My first time was at work. We dialled up, the noisy modem made lots of Star Trek sounds and hey presto we were ON LINE.

There were four of us crowded round one computer when the boss asked what we wanted to look up using our Alta Vista search engine. “Porn” we all chorused and that’s what we did. Looked at porn for five minutes, with our boss. Sort of gross—yes. Kiddies, in the olden days you could do things like that without having a sexual harassment suit slapped on you.

I remember when mobile phones came out. Well they more resembled a tackle box with a phone in it. Very big, quite inconvenient and majorly wanky. “Can’t see those taking off,” I thought to myself. Major fail.

However some really cool things have come out just recently and quite frankly I don’t know how we ever survived without them.

1. Group discount coupons. My inbox is full of group discount coupons offering me all sorts of incentives from facials to Thai holidays to golf games. There’s nothing like getting a facial for $25. Reminds me of what things cost in the 80s. My most recent purchase—one of those robot vacuum cleaners. Only $200—what a bargain. Works OK, but the real fun is watching the dog freak out.
2. Online shopping. “They’ll steal all the money from your bank account”, Nana cautioned but the rest of world and I embraced internet shopping with gusto. I buy clothes from the US and UK and have them delivered to my house for free. I think of the deliveryman as Santa bringing me lovely gifts once a week. I buy my makeup from Hong Kong where I pay half the price, get a 10% and more free delivery. God bless you strong Aussie dollar.
3. DIY Travel. I make all my own travel arrangements when I fly overseas. I do lots of research and find good stuff for cheap. I pick my airplane seats online. I don’t use travel agents anymore. The last time I used one resulted in a very dodgy hotel in a male enclave of Dubai. Blonde female? Muslim? Attention for all the wrong reasons.
4. Smart phones. Do you remember when a Filofax was the in-thing for any businessperson? You put your contacts, appointments into a hideously expensive organiser, which resulted in RSI as you lugged it around. Now it all goes on to the phone. The internet is there too. Genius. Now you can look up porn on the bus.
5. E-books. I love a good read but have you seen how much books cost? And then you’ve got to find somewhere to store them which is fine if you have a shelf of Shakespearean works which make you look smart. Fantasy romances not so much. But books can be downloaded for a fraction of the price and stored the e-reader. Money and storage problems sorted. You can even read romance novels on the bus. No one need know you’re reading vapid crap because you look so clever with your fancy e-reader.  Image

Here’s what she identified and I’m going check as I read each one.

1.The overknee handle – a larger piece of harder fat that collects on the upper, inner part of the knee. This obviously shows when you go bare legged in a short skirt.

2.The bra-back squeeze out – a piece of excess fat that pokes out from under your bra, even if you are rail thin.

3.Bottom-to-thigh slippage- a migration of the fat from the derrière downwards to the upper thigh, so that there is no demarcation between the two.

4.The hip-hopper – a distinct ridge around the hip area that definitely wasn’t there before.

5.The underarm wobbler – a piece of jiggly fat right at the front of the underarm, which is really obvious in sleeveless dresses and tanks. (I’m not referring to the outer breast area. This is on the arm itself.)

You can go to the article to find out how to correct them.

God don’t you just hate having overknee handle. Totally sucks. Image