Not that many of we Australians will be attending. Well there’s no way I would given that the Australian Government has put out a terrorism warning on India and the Games. Of course the athletes are all very gung ho about terrorism and safety. They don’t remember the 72 Munich Olympics. They wouldn’t would they–their parents would have been teenagers and well they’re Gen Y kids–bulletproof.

They’re not going to be any good anyway because England has pinched all Australia’s coaching talent. And if there’s one thing Australians hate more than being beaten, it’s being beaten by the English.

Goes back to that convict stuff and them looking down on us despite the fact they emigrate here in droves and the fact that Australians are so loud and cocksure of themselves. By the way none of these descriptions bother Australians, we’re quite proud of our heritage, despite the fact that it doesn’t largely reflect our population any more, and we know we’re cocky–we just call it confident. Sharyn Osborne says we’re smug. Tomayto, tomahto.

And there’s going to be no Stephanie Rice. Hurt her shoulder, is being consoled by that SNAG rugby player Quade Cooper and tweeting on her phone. If I was her mother I’d be secretly relieved–about her not going to the Games, Quade Cooper could be another matter. So could the phone.

You’d have to think that prominent athletes would be prime terrorism targets. I don’t know mind you, I’m not like a CIA person into the mind of a terrorist, but neither are the CIA so we’re all just surmising. Guessing really.

Anyway there’s another reason that the Australian athletes are going to stand out and that’s the hideous uniforms they’re going to wear. Grey ties. Orange shirts. Emerald green shirts. Sounds more like Ireland than Australia. And the skirts are weird and drapey and there’s the tie jacket which will make them look like hideous bag ladies.

Shocking. Sort of sums up the whole games. Image

It totally cracked me up. Little darlings singing beautiful capella to mysogynistic lyrics that include

I once had a bitch named Mandy May
Used to be up in them guts like everyday
The pussy was the bomb, had a nigga on sprung
I was in love like a motherfucker lickin’ the pearl tongue

Good girls. Best piss take. Ever. Image

You know I’ve gone from caring which party is in government to just wishing there was a government. This debacle has gone on long enough. I really think we should go back to the polls.

Honestly we’ve got three men flirting with the two major parties like Catholic school girls at the local boys’ school dance. They’re not really sure what they want or where they’re going with whatever it is they think they want, they’re just really lapping up all the attention. No one should be able to wield this much power.

At least Rob Oakeshott and Tony Windsor are displaying a modicum of decorum. Bob Katter thinks he’s ring master of this three ring circus using bananas and sugar as his cracking whip.

The ALP have pulled out the big guns with Katter.  They’ve even had Mrs Kevin Rudd doing her bit for the good of the party.  How magnanimous of her.  Considering what they did to Kevin.  But Bob’s happy that Kev’s sent the little Mrs round to see him.  Makes him feel important and all.

Tony Windsor is very keen on the broadband scheme.  That’s an old person thing though.  If you talk about bandwidths and download speed and things like that then old people, keen to think they have their finger on the pulse, immediately assume it’s as important as the second coming.  Well fast broadband would be just a good as the second coming I guess.  That’s if it doesn’t get stuffed up.  And it probably will.  Ignore that–I’m just being negative.

Tony Abbott’s a bit cold on Oakeshott’s parliamentary reform idea.  Can’t see why he would think that a minority government would have trouble operating under a hostile speaker.  Oops there I go again–all negative.

I wonder if we’ll vote differently this time round if we were presented with exactly the same scenario in say one month’s time with the same candidate, the same ads, the same policies. We’ll be wiser, that’s for sure. We’ll know that a vote for the Greens is a vote for the ALP. We’ll look harder at the Coalition’s stance on the economy. We’ll know that our vote means something, and shouldn’t be frivolously thrown away in a pointless protest over I’m not really sure what? Was it lack of policy? All it gave us was lack of government.

Some fools are driving around with bumper stickers saying don’t blame me I voted informal. I do blame you–you’re the reason we’re in this mess. I hope you feel as silly as those people who drive around with the Kevin 07 stickers. Image

Actually it’s quite funny how up in arms people have got over this. Remember this teacher had to teach the students this song. Obviously its icon status has slipped a bit over the years if the children had to be taught the words.

So if you are like the children of a Melbourne primary school and you don’t know the words well I’ll help you out. It goes

Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree
Merry, merry king of the bush is he
Laugh kookaburra, laugh kookaburra
Gay your life must be

It’s a classic and I can’t possibly understand why it’s not topping the charts, but you can see the obvious problem. Yes poor primary school principal, Garry Martin changed the one of the words. He changed gay to fun. Find a tree and hang that man.

Well no–let’s give the poor man a break. All of you tut tutting about changing the word have obviously never had to teach a class of primary school children. They seize on words like gay. There’d have been no singing of gay your life must be. Instead there’d be giggles and face pulling and poor Mr Martin would have been tearing his hair out. Trust me I know. You should try discussing the planets–Uranus anyone?

Times have changed and our language has evolved. While gay used to mean happy etc well it might still mean that, but its more common usage has changed.

When I was a kid I spent two weeks every year at the beach–at the Gay Vacationer. They’ve changed that now. It’s the Bay Vacationer.

However I would like to commend Golden Gaytime for sticking by their guns. Golden Gaytime is my favourite ice-cream. My husband however prefers it if I order it myself. He has a problem asking the shopkeeper for a Golden Gaytime.

I love watching sport. Love horse racing, footy (the code that Queenslanders are good at) and cricket. Though I must admit that cricket almost didn’t make my list. I’m sort of falling out of love with cricket.

I’m going on record here and saying that Michael Clarke is the most over-rated player on the Australian team and if he becomes captain then cricket will be off my viewing list till he’s gone. He backstabbed Andrew Symonds, parades around in his underwear and was involved in that whole sorry mess with that silly girl Lara Bingle.

Oh and don’t get me started on those tattoos he has. They would look fine on a big Maori front rower, they look ridiculous on a puny blue eye blond showpony.

But I’m also blaming those cheating Pakistanis. What have they given cricket? Oh yes, they’ve given us the chucker, the demise of umpire Daryl Hair, ball tampering, overweight sportsmen and a trio of cheats. If the ICC doesn’t rub out Salman Butt (truly that’s his name), Mohammad Asif and Mohammad Aamer then every team might as well pick up its bat and ball and go home.

Really it’s just not cricket. Image

Remember reading groups at primary school? You sat in a group of same talented readers and read aloud to the group with the teacher listening.

Really good readers hogged their go, reading beyond their allocated paragraph or page, especially if the teacher had zoned out because they’d heard that particular story at least 10 times over the past two years.

And then there were the avoiders. The ones who would do anything to get out of reading aloud, usually because they weren’t very good at it and well, reading is for sissies. They’d have to go to the toilet right before it was their go, or they’d deliberately lose their place so the teacher would get stroppy and deprive them of their go.

Well Jason Wood, MP for La Trobe was obviously an avoider. Take a look at this clip of him reading aloud from his prepared speech. Bet he wishes he’d listened to his teachers now.

But I reckon he got further than his teachers thought he would. They probably thought he’d be digging ditches, not a member of Federal parliament.

But is there any reasonable explanation for that tie? Don’t think so. Image

I think this season of Dancing with the Starswill be remembered for the one fingered salute that Tamara Jaber and Alex Fevola each gave to their erring husbands.

But it’s Alex Fevola whose performance I’ve enjoyed so far. Not her dancing performance mind you (though that was fine I guess), but her performance with her dancing partner and the big “up yours” she’s delivered to estranged husband Brendan Fevola.

Now a potted history of Brendan Fevola’s past year. Sacked by Carlton AFL team for holding a microphone under the influence at the Brownlow Medal. Picked up by Brisbane Lions who held his hand through the Lara Bingle Shower Photo debacle. In a classic PR twist masterminded by Bingle’s agent Max Markson, Bingle became the villain and Fevola walked away with his career and his marriage intact. Well so we thought.

That’s till the gambling addiction fiasco. Fevola had a love of on-line poker, owed a tonne of money and lost his Brisbane dream home. So what did Alex do? Packed up the kids and went back to Melbourne. She then forged a career as a celebrity photographer (?), signed up for Dancing with the Stars and then she got a hot dancing partner and made poor little Brendan jealous. Good on you, girl.

My highlight of Dancing with the Stars (it actually sounds like I watch this show–really I don’t, I channel surf) was the touching birthday scene when Brendan arrived with the birthday cake for his daughter and a lot of sucking up to his wife. If that woman could have spit in his eye she would have. I love watching body language, and you didn’t have to be that smart man off Lie to Me to see what was going on here.

So Brendan wants to do his injury rehabilitation in Melbourne. And Brisbane are having none of it. Bloody Brisbane Lions–don’t they know that Brendan has a wife to keep an eye on. So Brendan gets square by entering (that’s not a typo) a bar at 7am in the morning. Brisbane should do an Alex and kick Brendan Fevola to the corner.

Anyway congratulations to Alex and Tamara. Dancing with the Stars delivered you hot dancing partners who you got to snuggle into at the end of your dance, athletic bodies and the favour of the fickle Australian public.

And Kyle and Brendan–well we still don’t like them. Image

The older I get the more I think I’m turning into him. Takes for instance butt. Drives. Me. Insane. Australians don’t have butts, we have bums. I truly object to the Americanisation of our rear ends. Likewise they’re arses not asses. Same reason. So I’m making it my mission to bring back the bum. Please help me–it’s part of our national identity.

I do use the word guys though. Love that word. Say it all the time. I occasionally use blokes as in “That Jacko, he’s a really good bloke”but never fella and definitely not sheila, but then I don’t like chick either. Hmm seems I have a problem using colloquial slang to describe my gender.

I am guilty of saying dude—a lot. It’s a little sad when a 40 plus woman says dude, but it’s turned into one of those bad habit things that I can’t break. And worse, I say it all American–dood. Instead of dyood like we say dune. It’s my road rage word. Do I swear and curse and wave my hand around when a tradie in a ute talking on a mobile phone cuts me off? Nope, I just drawl “Dooood” and shake my head. God I’m cool.

My father had some other great Australian saying that are going by the wayside. Did anyone else’s father say these?

• He’s as useless as tits on a boar.
• He’s built like a brick shithouse.
• He couldn’t knock the cherry off a rice pudding.

Aren’t they great?

While I’m on this topic I’d also like to pay tribute to Alf off Home and Away. Stone the flaming crows, what that man hasn’t done in his quest to retain the essence of the Australian vernacular. It will indeed by a sad day for Australian English when Ray Meagher dies and leaves the show.

That man is a worthy recipient of the Gold Logie. Actually I think he should get one of those honorary doctrates that unis hand out like lollies to everyone.

Oh don’t get me started on lollies–oops, looks like I just did. They are lollies, not candies or sweets. Likewise biscuits are bikkies not cookies. Hugh Jackman made that point very clear on Oprah, and the daytime queen herself directed that they should be called bikkies, not cookies. Also when did peanut paste become peanut butter and I’m bringing back the patty cake. What’s that you ask? The real name for a cupcake.

Someone in Brisbane has brought out a guide to help foreign students cope with living in Brisbane. It’s called the Brisbane Insider Guide and covers such essentials as where to eat, sun safety and how to survive a festival. I hope it’s got something in there about surf safety. Gosh a lot of Asian tourists drown on our beaches. I’d think that’s equally as important as trying to figure out the complexities of our public transport system.

Anyway there’s a whole section devoted to slang. And what a mixed bag it is. Some of it was very trendy Gen Y, Z stuff that I know as well as I know Italian. Then there’s this mix of Alf and my father’s talk. I’m not going to put Kevin Rudd in there because he slaughtered our idioms. Dood–there’s nothing worse than a tryhard.

So here’s a selection of some of the Aussie survival words for international students.

• bloody oath: I certainly agree
• cark it: to sleep or expire (actually it means die)
• crook: to be unwell
• dunny: toilet
• galah: idiot
• piece of piss: quite simple
• durry: cigarette
• yobbo: rude male

I have to be frank. I can’t think of one recent occasion where I’ve used these words. Maybe I’m not as Aussie as I like to think. I don’t think I even say G’day mate. Do you?

Anyway it might come in handy if those international students are trying to watch Home and Away. At least they’ll have a clue what Alf is on about. Image

Anyway get a load of this dude. What a catch. He’s only offering a fun easy time and good sex. Well wahoo–no wraps on him. Poor love he wants to remain unshackled to any female for longer than he wants to be.

However, if bizarrely you are attracted to this tosser, well don’t bother because he’s got a new girl who although she is “very materialistic” it’s not her fault it was how she was raised. And it helps that she like a guy with money.

So please read the following if only to feel better that you did not date this old, rich, commitment phobe wanker who doesn’t know the meaning of discretion.

Out of sight – out of mind – m4w
Do you finally get it?
I need you to move on. Go away nicely and quietly and don’t hate me.
I couldn’t bear it if you were hurt and angry with me, though it wouldn’t be the first time
a female said they hated me.
I never meant to hurt you but you are not what I need at this point in my life.
I need someone who doesn’t want anything from me but a fun easy time and good sex.
You’re too special and deserve more. More which I cannot give to you now.
I can deal with monogamy, but I also need freedom to be able to just do as I please.
You’ll want a serious commitment which I can’t give you. Like I said, I can be loyal, I just need
to know I am free and not shackled to any one female for longer than I want to be.
Until my current situation changes and until “this one” I am seeing goes Suzy Home Maker on me,
I am not going to be in contact with you any more. It may seem as though we are friends, but we
are really not. You need to stop trying to think of reasons to be in touch. I can’t do it anymore.
I want to forget you and just remember how much fun it used to be. You made me laugh.
You distracted me at a time when I needed to be distracted and that time is over. I didn’t think I
would ever be back with “this one” but she won’t let me go. She’s easy and has agreed to my terms.
It’s convenient for both of us and it’s working with very little effort. I know I will eventually be bored by her,
but until then, I wish you only the best and hope you find a gentleman to take care of you the way you
deserve to be taken care of. You are a jewel and I know I will miss you, but I’m not planning on changing anything
right now. Besides, she and I both have kids, we frequent the same spots, she’s several years younger than I am and
she’s turned on by my “Tough Life” style. She’s very materialistic, but that’s how she was raised and she knows it and doesn’t
try to hide it so I can’t blame her for loving the good life. She likes older guys with money. I like easy relationships.
I’m sorry, I never wanted you to find out this way. I just needed to somehow gently ask you to move on since
I don’t see a future for us of any kind. I can’t share my personal life with you anymore. It’s hypocritical and
makes no sense. Even though I only want this easy relationship, I am a one girl at a time kind of guy.
This is something I just can’t bring myself to tell you, so I had to resort to CL and hope that you eventually read this and get the hint.
Baby, it’s me. You will always be the only one who was ever able to uncover the real me and make me feel totally myself.
There will always be a space in my heart for you.  Image