Oh shame on you. Not only do you have to look like Claudia Schiffer three months after giving birth, apparently you also need to be Martha Stewart.

A survey issued by an oven manufacturing firm (WTF) found that three-quarters of young mums could not make gravy from scratch. Isn’t that what Gravox is for?

So as well as non-gravy making skills, there is also a shortage of knowledge about how to starch a shirt. Only 12% of young mothers know how to do that. Gosh, imagine that 12% can do that. Why do they starch shirts. I don’t think my mother starches shirts.

Here’s the complete list of desired young mum skills. How do you rate?

• Bake a Victoria sponge
• Make pastry from scratch
• Knit
• Sew
• Make jam
• Arrange flowers
• Starch a shirt
• Sew name tags in to clothes
• Darn socks
• Make a fancy dress costume
• Bake bread
• Sew on a button
• Make curtains
• Make gravy from scratch
• Bake a pie Image

Two thirds of women keep clothes that don’t fit in the hope that they will again (and they have FOUR or more sizes in their wardrobes).

The Daily Mail makes this statement like it’s a big surprise.

And I’ll bet the next statistics doesn’t surprise anyone either.

A new survey has found that eight out of ten women – that amounts to 20million across the UK – are hoarding millions of pieces of clothing that they can never wear.

And a deluded two thirds admitted they are keeping the clothes in the misguided beliefe they will one day again be able to wear them.

Deluded and misguided. That’s a bit harsh.

Given the fact I’m a walking average statistic, it won’t surprise you to know that I fit into the above data. Not sure about the deluded and misguided bit, but yes, I do have clothes ranging from a 10 to a 14, and yes, one day, I WILL fit into that 10 again. So it would be silly to chuck them out, wouldn’t it?

Here’s some more unsurprising info:

A quarter keep them (clothes) because they were so expensive they don’t feel they can part ways. One in eight deliberately bought some clothes too small in the hope of slimming to fit in to them – and never did – and more than one in ten also admit to holding on to clothes for sentimental reasons as the clothes remind them of a happy time in their life.

Oops. Me again. I wrote about it in a post about inspiration clothes. Inspiration, not desperation. Image

For instance she’s all sweetness and light in that ghost show she’s on. Going round dispensing good advise, fixing up people’s problems, mediating with the ghosts and stuff. I know that’s just the character she plays, but it suits her, and let’s be frank–she’s not that good an actor.

Anyway, my first inkling that JLH was not what she seems is when she revealed her penchant for vajazzling. Read about it here–really click on it. She talks about her lady garden.

So just when I think she can’t really shock me any more I go on-line and find out that she’s a pole dancer. Well there you go.

Jennifer likes to put a cake in the oven and then pole dance while it’s cooking. Me, I just watch TV, but not JLH. She gyrates all over a shiny pole. She must have one in her house because you wouldn’t go out and go pole dancing when you’ve got a cake in the oven would you?

She likes her boobs too. I know this because she said so in a recent interview. “I like my boobs. They’ve always served me well. They’re good,” she said. I guess that’s better than having bad boobs. Image

Ever been in a fancy place where they have those paper toilet seat protector things. More trouble than their worth I think. They give you a false sense of security or a reason to have 50 stress attacks while you wonder if the thing’s still in place.

Anyway here’s a graphic of how to do it properly. Double click for a better look. Apparently success requires a carefully placed gob of spit. Who knew?

Now you’d assume that it would be a very short book, but English professor David Bainbridge says that midlife, and its accompanying crisis is nothing but a big fat myth.

Dr Bainbridge believes that middle age is a particularly special parts of our lives. In fact, Dr B says that we should consider ourselves lucky to have middle age instead of the gradual slide toward death as most creatures do. Now isn’t that comforting.

Anyway these are the good things about middle age:

Sex is sexier: Yes, you’re getting wrinklier and fatter but Dr B says to compensate for the changes in our bodies (sob) it’s likely that our brains rewire in middle age to make long-term partners seem more alluring than they really are as it makes evolutionary sense for couples to have an added incentive to stay together until their children have grown up.

Most are married. Nearly 90 per cent of all humans have married by the age of 49. And there’s much evidence to show that marriage helps prevent depression and generally makes people happier.Middle-aged men not only tend to stay married, but also report more satisfaction with their marriage than women do. Both sexes, though, are still likely to find many positive characteristics their partners, even after many years of marriage. These include tolerance, trustworthiness and a comfortable level of give-and-take.

A roving eye, but no-one’s going anywhere: biologically, middle-aged men are still attracted to young women because of their potential to have babies. However new research suggests that fertile young women may be wise to steer clear of middle-aged men, because their ageing sperm leaves a lot to be desired.

The right headspace: by 40, most of us have finally learned how to divert our emotions from self-defeating cycles of self-criticism. Instead, there is evidence that we channel our emotions in a purposeful, focused and effective way. We become an island of stability in the maelstrom of human life. Our personal relationships are more stable. As studies have shown, we rate our personal relationships more highly than young people do, and tend to see our close friends more often.

So there you go. Feel better? No? Well best be off to buy yourself a shiny red convertible then. Image

Anyway just to show Twitter’s worth, it has come up with a list of the top 50 ugly baby names. Unsurprisingly Ivy Blue featured. Actually I don’t that’s such a bad name. There’s way worse. I written about them before.

So here’s some of the list.  Twitter’s right again. Some of these names are just plain ugly. Uvala? Someone should get in BIG trouble for doing that to their kid. They can only end up a drug dealer with a name like that.

Arthur
Bertha
Betty
Beverly
Blue ivy
Bruce
Chauncey
Clarence
Dolores
Dorcas
Dreshawn
Edna (my poor grandmother’s name)
Edward
Elmer
Gene
Gertrude (my poor grandmother’s other name)
Gunther
Helga
Jomiesha
La-a (Ladasha)
Luther
Mort
Myrtle
Nevaeh (that Heaven backwards.  Is that hell then?)
Nigel
Percy
Phillip
Phyllis
Quanisha Ronald
Sausagea (wtf)
Shaquetta
Shaneekwa (my daughter’s fake cab name)
Syquasia
Uvula
Virgina
Ya’Tonya Image

But that one time out of five–well there’s just no accounting for some people. I have noticed a pattern though. The discourteous, non merge allowing drivers are usually driving Saabs or Volvos and particularly Lexuses. Add a personalised plate to that and I know I’m screwed. No getting to my lane that way. I usually have to wait for a Hyundai or a Mazda to let me in. Anyway while all this sounds like me randomly theorising, I can back my conclusions up with a recent US study that says that drivers of luxury cars are more selfish than other drivers.

Paul Piff from the University of California, Berkeley, found that 30 per cent of drivers with luxury cars cut off other drivers, compared to less than 10 per cent of those behind the wheel of less flashy vehicles. Wealthy drivers were also less likely to give way to pedestrians than people of lower socio-economic status.

The study went on further to say that people from different financial backgrounds and shown upper-class citizens were more likely to lie, cheat and break the law than their lower-class peers.

Lower class. I drive a Mazda. I’m polite. Does that mean I’m lower class?  Image