Well if you ever did, here is the result.  The most hideous shoe that ever was. 

Apparently it’s best accessorised with the Snuggy or the pyjama jean. Image

Yep, they are putting down their expensively shod feet and declaring the fascinator a big no-no. Oh no. That’s terrible news for me should I be attending Royal Ascot this year, as I am a fan of the fascinator. And so is my favourite person Princess Kate. This will be big news for her since the fascinator bar applies in the Royal Enclosure, and since she’s royal I’m guessing that’s where she’ll be.

I like a fascinator because you avoid the dreaded hat clash. You know the one when you lean in close to your big hat wearing friend and the brims of your hats collide causing both a wardrobe malfuntion and the abandonment of the wonderful piece of gossip you were going to share.

Anyway if you are intending to go to the Royal Enclosure at Ascot this year keep in mind the following dress code, or they won’t let you in.

For women:

• Hats are desirable but anything with a base of less than 4 inches in diameter is not acceptable as a hat. Got that.
• Skirts and dresses need to be of a ‘modest length’ and fall just above the knee or below.
• Pashminas are banned/barred/disallowed.
• Strapless tops (and I assume dresses) are also out.

For men:

• Waistcoat and tie are compulsory.
• No cravats (Matt Preston is not attending in protest).
• Black shoes only. Polished is mandatory.

What do think would happen if Kate lobbed up in a fascinator? Do you think they’d really chuck her out? Probably. They can be very rigid about these sorts of important things. Image

Prevention website reports the following:

Every time you flush with an open lid, bacteria spray into the air around your toilet. And some of these germs could pass along symptoms of diarrhea or vomiting.

Scientists at Leeds University tested the air above toilets and found that the germ, C. difficile, which causes violent bacteria and vomiting, can be spewed up to 10 inches above toilet seats with every open flush. These germs were found on the sides of the toilet, on the top, and on the floor — even when the toilet wasn’t in use. In other words, even an unoccupied, open bowl can spread bacteria.

Although the highest levels of bacteria were found right after a flush, even 90 minutes later, between 15-47 contaminated water droplets were detected on nearby surfaces.

Right then, I’m just off to chuck out my toothbrush and gargle with bleach–right after I put the toilet lid seat down. Image

Sharks are misjudged. And it’s all the fault of the media and its loose use of terms such as shark attack. And Hollywood is to blame as well. What with Jaws movies and the like it’s little wonder that sharks cop a bad rap.

Well that’s what researcher Christopher Neff says, and now he wants us all to be a little more politically correct and respectful to sharks by abandoning the term shark attack in favour of shark bite incident and putting that whole Jaws imagery right out of our over-active imaginations.

Oh I can see it now. Headlines scream, Surfer eaten alive in shark bite incident. Actually I can’t see it at all because it is really, really stupid. Water it down all you like—a shark attack is what it is.

Mr Neff, and I don’t think anyone will be surprised when I tell you that he is an American, said that swimmers were not on the (shark) menu and “there is no evidence any shark species develops a taste for human flesh.”

OK, Mr Neff, give us some credit. I’m fairly confident that most of us realise that sharks are not out there swimming around looking for human fillet mignon a la Jaws. However we humans, swimming around in the sea are a potential food source and I think that is what scares the living lights out of us—the fact that whether we are a seal or a human makes no difference to the shark.

However Neff say that I am wrong about this and that sharks don’t eat humans because we provide low nutrition—yes we are the junk food of the sea food chain. So if we are so unhealthy and apparently unpalatable, why do sharks come back for a second bite? For example if I slipped my husband a piece of liver there’s no way he come back for a second go—he’d spit it right out and wash his mouth out with alcohol. Yet people report that the shark comes back for an encore during an attack/incident.

Neff goes on to say that we should avoid beaches at prime shark time. Yes we all so love to swim when the sharks are around—good sport that. My favourite beach at a township called Amity (and yes I’m aware that was the town in the Jaws movie) experienced a fatal shark attack a few years ago. I was swimming in that very spot the week before the attack. Do you think a chicken-heart like me would knowingly swim where there were sharks? No signs, no warnings. There are now though.

Since then I’ve spent all my time swimming at patrolled beaches. When recently holidaying at the Solomon Islands I spent hours quizzing the resort staff about shark attack potential. “Lagoon, lagoon,” they laughed as if I was supposed to be reassured. Haven’t they seen the movie The Beach. That bad old shark breached the lagoon and ate the hero’s best friend.

I swam but all the time worried that I could be a potential shark bite incident victim. See, it just sounds stupid. Image

The following is my Gen X Girl column that appears in the Townsville Bulletin’s Savvy magazine.

Apparently the world is going to end this year so I’m a bit hesitant about making New Year’s resolutions. Seems a bit of a waste to deprive oneself of alcohol and cheese to lose 10 kilos only to die before you get to show off about it.

However I will make resolutions, as I’m actually quite successful at it. Take last year’s resolution for example— to give up broccoli. Now some of you might think that’s an easy thing to do, but broccoli crops up everywhere. I spent the whole year vigilantly searching through my Thai food for the sneaky little green things so that I could chuck them out. I didn’t even cast a sideways glance at them as I passed them in the fruit and vege section.

It was difficult as everywhere I turned there was a news story touting broccoli as a superfod so resisting it took quite a lot of willpower. Despite it being quite a challenging resolution I did give up broccoli for a whole year and I feel a large sense of achievement because of it.

According to statistics however I am one of the few people who actually managed to achieve my resolution. I blame ambition and timing for this. Why on earth do people choose to go for the big things like giving up smoking the very day that they are suffering the best and first hangover of the year?

Willpower is low, craving is high and setting that goal to start on January 1 can only lead to a massive fail. What I propose is that no resolutions should be made or begun before January 7. That gives everyone the time and energy to continue to have a guilt free holiday hit out before the year really begins. Win-win situation.

I also suggest that people set their sights a little lower in order to achieve success. Now going for big stuff like giving up broccoli is only for seasoned professionals like me. If you struggle to keep your resolutions aim low. That’s why I suggest you give up prunes. Prunes, like broccoli are a superfood, so there’s still the challenge, but you won’t have to be picking out of your takeaway meals only your muesli. You will have to close your eyes tight as you walk past the packaged prunes at Coles, but I have every confidence in your ability to say no to prunes all year.

This success and sense of achievement will then lead you to making more ambitious resolutions for following years. Now you could go all unimaginative and do what everyone else does–boring stuff like lose weight, get fit, the aforementioned quitting smoking and other hohum stuff but you’re an individual—be your own person.

This year I tossed up all those things and added quite a few of my own like watching less TV and realising that alcohol is not a large slice of the healthy food pyramid, but that’s not how I want to sally forth into the new year.

So this is what I came up with. Every week, I am going to drink a bottle of French champagne. It could be difficult but I reckon I’m up to the task. After all, what’s life without a bit of challenge? Happy 2012

1. Surface clean living room and kitchen (pick up stray items, dust, vacuum, sweep)
2. Clean bathrooms (toilets, showers, floors, walls, mirrors)
3. Surface clean bedrooms (put away toys, clothes, dust)
4. Surface clean “extra” rooms (basement, office, play room)
5. Surface clean living room and kitchen
6. Clean bathrooms
7. Clean all interior windows (white vinegar and newspaper works great and is cheap!)
8. Sweep and vacuum all floors in the house (don’t forget stairs)
9. Surface clean bedrooms
10. Deep clean living room (mirrors, baseboards, dust artwork)
11. Clean bathrooms
12. Clean out closets (hang up clothes, mittens, jackets, hats)
13. Surface clean “extra” rooms
14. Deep clean bedrooms (organize drawers, check under bed, tidy closet, dust artwork, fans, lights, mop)
15. Surface clean living room and kitchen
16. Deep clean bathrooms (clean inside drawers, inside of trash cans, tops of mirrors, tile, mop)
17. Clean all door knobs, phones, entertainment equipment (remote controls), switch plates, banisters and other things that are repeatedly touched.
18. Clean out the refrigerator, take stock of food, organize pantry
19. Clean entryway, sweep porch (if you have one), clean out car (because they’re often our home away from home)
20. Surface clean living room and kitchen
21. Surface clean bathrooms
22. Surface clean bedrooms
23. Sweep and vacuum all floors in the house
24. Clean linen closet, straighten towels, sheets or regular closet if not applicable
25. Surface clean living room and kitchen
26. Deep clean kitchen (scrub appliances, wash trash cans, base boards, wipe down and straighten cabinets)
27. Surface clean bathrooms
28. Surface clean bedrooms
29. Clean one item you’ve been meaning to get to and haven’t (deep clean your stove, wipe down all light fixtures, tackle a particularly unruly area)
30. Sweep and vacuum all floors in the house Image

That all said, I admit to having a cleaning lady, but she’s a bit old and forgetful and she often doesn’t do stuff like clean the toilets and wash basins. So I do it when I come home from work. She does brilliant ironing though. I’d rather clean the toilet than iron. I really hate ironing. And she’s really sweet.

Anyway in a non-judgey way I realise that some people are a bit challenged when it comes to the cleaning department, sort of in the where in the hell do I start department, so I’ve found this info from the delightfully named Apartment Therapy that might help those of you who’ve made keeping the house clean a resolution. I’ll run the rest of it tomorrow.

• Deal with what comes through the door Set up a small area by the front door to act as a landing strip for incoming items into your home.
• Do your dishes after every meal This will help you stay on top of your kitchen instead of having it turn into a monster! No one really wants to do them (after all, you probably cooked dinner to boot). But waiting for another meal or until you have enough to fill the dishwasher just makes things feel overwhelming and easier to put off. The same goes for take out rubbish as well. If you need to take the rubbish out, place it by the front door to go out in the morning or dispose of it that night so it’s over and done with.
• Laundry If you have a washer and dryer at home, do a little bit each day. Spread things out so you don’t feel bogged down by 200 towels and stinky socks. If you take things to a laundromat, sort clothes as you go so things are easier to load up into machines when you get there. Fold them before you come home so you aren’t dumping baskets out on your sofa or bed and they can go straight into drawers and closets.
• Whistle while you work: Those who are happiest when cleaning are few and far between. Singing, humming, whistling or turning up the stereo are all great options to keep the beat in your feet and have fun while working. (Sadly I do not do this as everyone laughs at me and who can hear over the sound of the vacuum cleaner?)
• Set a timer: Most items on the list below should take no more than 20 minutes total. It’s easy to rationalize 20 minutes, but it’s also easy to get distracted by phone calls, emails, children and other projects that call your name as you tackle each chore. Set a timer for 5 or 10 minutes (which ever works best for you) and that way when it sounds you know exactly how much time you have left. If you find yourself off task it’s easy to get back on track.

I’ll add the following.

• Chuck out the newspaper and junk mail every day. Do the same for bottles. You don’t want your mother to think you’re an alcoholic when she see’s all the wine bottles lined up on the bench. Likewise for chucking them out en masse. Your neighbours will think you have a little problem.
• Deal with bills as soon as they come in if you can. Bad karma all those bills lying around the place. Pay them, file them. Get them out of sight.
• Put your clothes away before you go to bed. Put them in the laundry basket, hang them up if you’re rewearing them. Your floor is not a wardrobe. Same for shoes, find them a home and send them there.

Now if only I could get my family to read this. Image

Following is this week’s Gen X Girl weekly column that appears in the Townsville Bulletin’s Savvy magazine.

I had a houseful of Gen Ys over after Christmas. They all woke up distinctly green tinged, hoarse voiced and shaking hands. “Hangover” they all declared before proceeding to mope around the house, getting in the way and tiring me with their whinging.

People with hangovers really annoy me. As any good Gen X person knows, hangovers are not a badge of honour for our generation. A hangover is a sign of weakness. If you drink, you have a duty not to show it the next day.

So with New Year’s Eve festivities bearing down on us, I have devised my top 10 hangover cures. (Disclaimer: I am not a doctor nor do I claim to be. I am a drinker who prides herself on never getting hangovers. These cures were acquired by years of trial and error. Use at your own risk).

1. Vanilla milkshake and a chicko roll. I know it sounds disgusting but the milk puts a lining on your stomach, the vanilla flavour is full of sugar and the oil-soaked pastry gives sustenance. The cabbage in chicko rolls is a blood purifier.
2. Coke and fish and chips. It must be full strength Coke and the fish and chips must be accompanied by vinegar and tomato sauce. A perfectly balanced meal of carbs, protein and fat.
3. Dehydration powder, water and asprin mixed together in one glass. The dehydration powder (the stuff you take when you get diarrhoea) replenishes your electrolytes, the asprin is a pain killer and water rehydrates you.
4. Milk thistle. You can buy this herb from the chemist or health food store. The instructions say to take one with each meal. I prefer to take about five when I come home after a big night out and another five when I get up. Then I pop them all day. I repeat I am not a doctor so you should probably follow the directions on the bottle.
5. Drink a Bloody Mary. This is how I make them. Pour a nip of vodka in the bottom of a glass, add ice, fill the glass with V8 Hot and Spicy, sprinkle in a little Tabasco and a squeeze of lemon. Stir and drink. Repeat as often as necessary.
6. Cherry ripe and Coke. This is a variation on the fish and chip combination, but is ideal for those with a sweet tooth. The combination of caffeine, sugar and fat has curative properties.
7. Drink a slug of water as soon as you get home from a night out. Don’t do this the next day. Water is poison the day after drinking unless you add things like sugar to it. But the night before—as much as you can get down.
8. Go for a swim and put you head under water. It’s very peaceful under water and your inflamed brain cells shrink from the cold.
9. Drink some Gatorade. If you can tolerate drinking something that colour with a hangover, you can do anything.
10. Drink a Gold stubby. This is only for the truly desperate. It’s can’t be any other type of beer and don’t even think of drinking it from a can. It must be an ice cold Gold stubby with condensation on the side.

Choose one or choose them all. Happy New Year. Image

I was unpacking the dishwasher the other day, throwing a little tantrum in my mind about the cups. Why can’t dishwasher manufacturers get the slope of the cup holders right? If they could just manage that I wouldn’t spill the water that has pooled on the bases all over the kitchen floor. And as I write this it occurs to me that that is a perfect example of a first world problem.

Urban dictionary defines a first world problem as problems arising from living in wealthy industrialized nations that third worlders would probably just roll their eyes at. It’s also known as white whine.

Anyway I know that many of my first world problems are meaningless and trivial and I dare say selfish, but really what’s a Gen X Girl to do if she can’t complain. So find following my Top 10 First World Problems.

1. Because it’s Christmas time I have to stop buying myself all the things I want just so that people can have something that they buy me as a gift.
2. There’s nothing to watch on Foxtel. I pay for the service yet there is nothing to watch on 50 channels. There’s also nothing to record so I have to watch really, really bad TV, repeats and sometimes even advertisements.
3. My internet is slow. It takes ages for pages to upload. By then I’ve got bored and opened a whole lot of other slow loading pages just to pass the time. Then the computer freezes.
4. Everyone looks short and fat on my TV. This is especially bad when I’m showing holiday photos on my flat screen. I look short and my behind looks wide. The only comforting thing about this is that Kim Kardashian looks like that too. Stupid TV. I expect more from it.
5. I have to take the long way round the shopping centre to avoid the charity muggers. No you cannot pester me into donating to your charity. Didn’t your mother tell you it was rude to ask for things?
6. My purse is heavy because of all the five-cent coins I have in it. I despise the five-cent so much that I can’t be bothered to bend down to pick it up when I drop it. It’s not worth my while.
7. I hate it when the barista mixes up the order and gives me full fat milk when I specifically ordered a skinny flat white. Full fat milk tastes horrible and ruins my cup of coffee. Then I have to chuck it out.
8. Someone gave me a watermelon the other day. It had seeds in it. I couldn’t be bothered dealing with the seeds so I threw it out. Watermelon seeds spoil my enjoyment of watermelon eating.
9. I hate being nagged by my coffee machine. It tells me to empty the grounds container, fill the water, find some beans. Why do I have to do all the hard work?
10. Sunscreen makes me sweaty and hot. I don’t want to get skin cancer, but I don’t want to be hot. What to do?

Yep, selfish and shallow. So what are your first world problems? Image

This is my column from this week’s Savvy magazine, that appears in the Townsville Bulletin.

The letter box is full of junk mail, the shopping centre carparks are full and there’s the ubiquitous hum of Jingle Bells playing in the background. It can only mean one thing—time for the work Christmas party.

Now in the olden days, work Christmas parties were fun-filled affairs with the office junior donning the Santa suit and Betty, the office manager, dressing up like sexy Mrs Claus. The party operated a bit along the mantra that what goes on tour stays on tour.

However, Workplace Health and Safety have just delivered an edict to employers warning them that any injuries or incidents occurring as a result of the work Christmas party are the responsibility of the employer. That’s the quickest way I know of to put the kibosh on free grog. Who’s going to let their staff get tanked if they’re responsible for seeing them off safely? It will be Coke all the way for some staff, and I do mean the stuff you drink.

The Law Institute of Victoria has gone so far as to compile a list of guidelines for employers that will ensure a litigation-free party. Suggestions include putting start and finish times in writing, employers setting a good example by drinking in moderation (hmm, lawyers, always a good example of those who practise drinking in moderation), encouraging non-drinkers to be designated drivers (yep, you don’t get to drink AND you get to drive drunks home—fun, fun, fun) and discouraging inappropriate behaviour.

So there’s the fun police version of what you should and shouldn’t do at the office party. However, in the interests of common sense, I have made a top ten list of things you might like to consider.

1. Beer goggles. Remember that you are wearing them after your third glass of wine. Your judgment is impaired, your vision is impaired and you are not in control. Stay away from the office assistants.
2. Photocopying your bum is not a good idea. A photocopied bum is not a thing of beauty. Do you want 100 copies of yours papering the office? Thought not.
3. Pole dancing should be for strip clubs and trendy exercise classes. Do not gyrate around the support columns in the office no matter how hot you think you will look.
4. Wear appropriate clothes, it’s a work party, not a singles bar. And do you really want your boss looking at your boobs?
5. Keep your clothes on. Please.
6. Don’t hit on anyone. Again it’s an office do, not a singles bar. Do you really want to deal with the repercussions of Kevin in acquisitions thinking you really, really, really like him?
7. Drink, but not too much. If you don’t drink you look like a wowser. If you drink too much you look like, well, a drunk. It’s a fine line. Good luck.
8. Don’t talk about work. Eek, kill me now. And add your children to that. Remember only you and their grandparents find them fascinating.
9. Don’t hog the food. This includes stalking the waitress with the canapé tray. Double dipping is a hangable offence.
10. Don’t be unsociable. Standing around looking like you are sucking a lemon makes you look like a snotty cow. Remove the stick from your behind and perhaps go and photocopy it.

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