Well if you ever did, here is the result.  The most hideous shoe that ever was. 

Apparently it’s best accessorised with the Snuggy or the pyjama jean. Image

Yep, they are putting down their expensively shod feet and declaring the fascinator a big no-no. Oh no. That’s terrible news for me should I be attending Royal Ascot this year, as I am a fan of the fascinator. And so is my favourite person Princess Kate. This will be big news for her since the fascinator bar applies in the Royal Enclosure, and since she’s royal I’m guessing that’s where she’ll be.

I like a fascinator because you avoid the dreaded hat clash. You know the one when you lean in close to your big hat wearing friend and the brims of your hats collide causing both a wardrobe malfuntion and the abandonment of the wonderful piece of gossip you were going to share.

Anyway if you are intending to go to the Royal Enclosure at Ascot this year keep in mind the following dress code, or they won’t let you in.

For women:

• Hats are desirable but anything with a base of less than 4 inches in diameter is not acceptable as a hat. Got that.
• Skirts and dresses need to be of a ‘modest length’ and fall just above the knee or below.
• Pashminas are banned/barred/disallowed.
• Strapless tops (and I assume dresses) are also out.

For men:

• Waistcoat and tie are compulsory.
• No cravats (Matt Preston is not attending in protest).
• Black shoes only. Polished is mandatory.

What do think would happen if Kate lobbed up in a fascinator? Do you think they’d really chuck her out? Probably. They can be very rigid about these sorts of important things. Image

That all said, I admit to having a cleaning lady, but she’s a bit old and forgetful and she often doesn’t do stuff like clean the toilets and wash basins. So I do it when I come home from work. She does brilliant ironing though. I’d rather clean the toilet than iron. I really hate ironing. And she’s really sweet.

Anyway in a non-judgey way I realise that some people are a bit challenged when it comes to the cleaning department, sort of in the where in the hell do I start department, so I’ve found this info from the delightfully named Apartment Therapy that might help those of you who’ve made keeping the house clean a resolution. I’ll run the rest of it tomorrow.

• Deal with what comes through the door Set up a small area by the front door to act as a landing strip for incoming items into your home.
• Do your dishes after every meal This will help you stay on top of your kitchen instead of having it turn into a monster! No one really wants to do them (after all, you probably cooked dinner to boot). But waiting for another meal or until you have enough to fill the dishwasher just makes things feel overwhelming and easier to put off. The same goes for take out rubbish as well. If you need to take the rubbish out, place it by the front door to go out in the morning or dispose of it that night so it’s over and done with.
• Laundry If you have a washer and dryer at home, do a little bit each day. Spread things out so you don’t feel bogged down by 200 towels and stinky socks. If you take things to a laundromat, sort clothes as you go so things are easier to load up into machines when you get there. Fold them before you come home so you aren’t dumping baskets out on your sofa or bed and they can go straight into drawers and closets.
• Whistle while you work: Those who are happiest when cleaning are few and far between. Singing, humming, whistling or turning up the stereo are all great options to keep the beat in your feet and have fun while working. (Sadly I do not do this as everyone laughs at me and who can hear over the sound of the vacuum cleaner?)
• Set a timer: Most items on the list below should take no more than 20 minutes total. It’s easy to rationalize 20 minutes, but it’s also easy to get distracted by phone calls, emails, children and other projects that call your name as you tackle each chore. Set a timer for 5 or 10 minutes (which ever works best for you) and that way when it sounds you know exactly how much time you have left. If you find yourself off task it’s easy to get back on track.

I’ll add the following.

• Chuck out the newspaper and junk mail every day. Do the same for bottles. You don’t want your mother to think you’re an alcoholic when she see’s all the wine bottles lined up on the bench. Likewise for chucking them out en masse. Your neighbours will think you have a little problem.
• Deal with bills as soon as they come in if you can. Bad karma all those bills lying around the place. Pay them, file them. Get them out of sight.
• Put your clothes away before you go to bed. Put them in the laundry basket, hang them up if you’re rewearing them. Your floor is not a wardrobe. Same for shoes, find them a home and send them there.

Now if only I could get my family to read this. Image

I love watching people put on their makeup but that’s just me. Anyway Cassandra’s a trooper. I could never do what she’s done.  I delete all the photos I don’t like.  And I suck at putting on makeup.

See what you can learn from her.

Anyway I didn’t think Swiss finishing schools were real. Sure I read about them in the Chalet School books, but that was fiction. Right? Wrong. For one Swiss finishing school has survived the change to the new millennium and continues to offer “social graces” for rich girls.

It’s a place where you can learn to peel a kiwi fruit with cultery, learning to pace oneself while eating so one don’t leave one’shusband in one’s wake and learning from which side to serve the the pear-and-Roquefort tarts (from the left if you must know).

Time magazine reports:

For nearly 60 years, IVP — Switzerland’s last traditional finishing school — has taught women social graces, from floral arrangement and table decoration to the art of serving afternoon tea. Updated annually, its intensive six-week course consists of 216 hours of class and, for those working toward a diploma in international etiquette and protocol, 45 exams. Daily practice brings students up to speed on how to whip up the trendiest desserts — like mascarpone mousse and balsamic cream, a fresh alternative to tiresome tiramisu — and how to gracefully adhere to local customs in 20 countries, including Mexico (where you may shake your waiter’s hand) and Japan (where you should never use chopsticks as decorations in swept-up hair). But contrary to stereotype, the motive is not marriage; it’s money. “Lots of people have M.B.A.s, but few have the extra knowledge we can give them,” says Viviane Néri, the school’s principal. “People now realize that good manners make for good business.”

Clients include princesses, lawyers, Supreme Court judges and the daughters of Prime Ministers. Not that you’d know of course. It’s very discreet. No last names.

A six week course costs $20 000 which includes accommodation, excursions and two meals a day. I’d have fitted right in. Image

So here goes–my top ten list of lessons learned from The Lodge on the Solomon Islands.

1. If you are travelling with connecting flights always used the national carrier that owns the connecting flights. This proved particularly useful when the Dash 8s were grounded due to a plane crash and we were guaranteed flights off the island to Honiara. Yes, it may have been a little, tiny plane flown by a great big pilot, yes we were weighed before getting on the plane, but we did make our flight home.
2. Being slightly drunk helps one board a tiny plane.
3. Tinned whole tomatoes can be squashed up with a vodka bottle to make bloody marys.
4. It is best not to do squash tomatoes while wearing a white kaftan.
5. 30+ waterproof sunblock does work for four hours.
6. Rash shirts do provide excellent sun protection while snorkelling, fishing and kayaking therefore preventing even more sun cancers.
7. Rash shirts will never be a fashion item.
8. There is no such thing as a decent face sunblock. Body sunblocks and zinc cream cause big fat acne pimples. Proper face sunblock does not stay on in the water.  If there is such a thing as waterproof, non-pore blocking face sunblock could someone let me know or at least invent it.
9. Freckles under ones eyes look really strange (see lesson 8).
10. Buy your full duty free alcohol allowance.  You will drink it all.

It’s like stepping back in history, isn’t it?  So who are they?  Top to bottom: Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney; Grace Kelly and Audrey Hepburn; Sophie Loren and Jane Mansfield (don’t you just love the look on Sophia’s face?).