Gen X Journey

This is my Gen X Girl column from this week’s Townsville Bulletin Savvy Magazine.

Cold weather getting you down? Feel like you’re getting old and tired before your time.  Well here’s a way to check and provide a bit of self-inflicted torture? You won’t need many supplies—a few everyday household items and you’re set.

1. Are your boobs sagging? You need a pencil, that’s all. This works best for women, but boys—if you’re sporting a set of moobs give it a go. Hold up your boobs and tuck the pencil on the underside of your boobs/moobs. If it slides straight out they’re all upright and perky. If that pencil is lodged there then grab your bra and put it back on. Probably best to remove the pencil first. If you failed go and make yourself a cocktail and sulk for a bit.
2. Do you have a saggy behind? Do the same as above but this time put the pencil under your bum cheeks. If it stays there go and get crying drunk. There’s no hope
3. Do you have a scary frown line? Using lipstick place a smear along one side of your frown line (you’ll need a mirror for this). Then frown really hard. If you get a mirror image on the other side of your face, you have frown lineitis and you probably look scary to small children. It’s up to you if you want to live with this. There is a revolutionary product called botox that may help.  Yes it’s poison, but remember you look scary.
4. Old hands. Place your hand flat on a surface. Pinch the skin on the back of your hand and hold for 10 seconds. Let go and time how long it takes your skin to return to normal (if ever). Longer is not better. Try it on one of your children if you want to be seriously sad. Look how that plump young skin just bounces back.
5. On-line ageing test. If you drink, smoke and don’t eat your veges, this may be a depressing experience for you.  You may be old but I’ll bet you’re having a good time.
6. Lip lines.  Get a nice creamy lipstick.  Apply it liberally to your lips and wait five minutes.  Check your lips in a mirror.  If the lippy has moved into the vertical lines above your top lip you have cat’s bum mouth.  If you smoke you should stop right now.
7. DVD test.  Attempt to hook your new DVD up to your existing cable TV set up on your plasma TV.  There is a time limit of twelve hours. If you fail then you should consult with an eight year old who will do it in twenty minutes.
8. Nintendo DS.  Complete the brain training tests.  Test your brain age.  Find out that your brain is 15 years older than your real age.  This is standard.  The same applies to Nintendo Wii body training.  Be aware that Nintendo is a Japanese word meaning to make Australians feel like crap. Image