There’s a new book out–Things Bogan’s Like. I’m buying it for my husband for his birthday because I have this sneaking suspicion that he might be a bogan–well a closet one anyway.
I don’t think I am but there’s no room for complacency here. There’s an A-Z of things bogans like, and fortunately I don’t like, do or say any of these things.
Anyway here’s a sample in no particular order. You can read the full list here. I’m loving the David Attenborough tone.
Discount airlines. The bogan ins not longer restricted to holidying within a five-hour Commodore journey of its nest. But it expects celebrity services at bargain prices. If the discount flight is 30 minutes late, a small cluster of bogans can be seen gesticulating maniacally at the service desk. The bogans’ flat nasal vowels reverberate across the departure lounge, prompting other bogans to begin howling like a neighbourhood of cross-eyed dogs. Due to incidents such as this, the Bali to Brisbane Jetstar flight on Sunday afternoons has come to known as the bogan bus.
ADHD. While the bogan parent is always eager to acquire cheap glory, it is vehemently unwilling to accept responsibility for the conduct of bogan junior, despite Bilynda and Maxxx setting fire to the upholstery in the formal dining room area. Using the same mental shortcut that caused it to decide that it had a spurious gluten intolerance, the bogan will loudly and arbitrarily announce that its recalcitrant offspring has ADHD. At this point, the bogan parent feels relieved and reassured that none of this mess is their fault. Click here to find a complete list of bogan baby names which are a testimony to phonetic spelling.
Enormous prams. Mumma Hummers, as they are affectionately known, are the armoured tanks of the baby transport world. These giant infant carriers ruthlessly dominate every footpath, zebra crossing and foodcourt aisle that they happen to rumble across. For while the bogan mother is walking a child instead of a pit bull, she desires to intimidate all the same.
Number plates. Because the bogan has more personality thatn the rest of us, it requires more canvases upon which to portray its talents. One of these is the lower back, but another important one is the number plate of the bogan’s car. The message usually refers to the car’s ability to attain speed or the alleged importance or desirability of its owner.
WAGS. There is a celebrity that appeals even more greatly to the bogan than the fooballer or cricketer. Their girlfriend. The femme-bogue decides tha becoming a WAG is her calling; her destiny. This results in weekly pilgrimages to weekend haunts known for containing athletes, where the femme-bogues stalk their prey with a single-minded, ruthless determination. By the end of the night, the female bogan has passed out in a tangle of arms, legs, sequins and shame.
Xmas sales. The bogans surge, foaming at the mouth and desperately snatching any item with a 2 metre radius of a sign saying “(up to) 70% off”. Skinny bogans wriggle between the fat ones, tall ones reach over the top, and the fat ones jut their ample rumps outwards to create a quivering exclusion zone around the precious discounts.
Anyway after having a good look through the book and the site I think my husband might be safe. I’ve effectively knocked the bogan out of him over the last few years. But I remain ever vigilant. However if you are not so lucky and see yourself in some of this then just dismiss the whole thing as stereotypical claptrap. Image