Dear Julia
Julia, I’m sorry but I need to be frank, all those cupcakes you’re eating while chatting up the suburban voters aren’t doing you any favours. I’ve got two words for you–Kim Beasley. I know it’s hard to fit in a session at the gym when you’re busy having productive dialogue with the president of East Timor trying to find somewhere to put those bloody asylum seekers but can I ask you to consider the walk? In your words Move Forward.
Look it worked out well for John Howard. You could perhaps get yourself a little Juicy Couture tracksuit in the same vein as Howard’s rugby trackie. Just think of the benefits. You would be seen to be a role model for health and fitness, though granted Tony Abbott seems to have cornered the market there. You could organised random people to bump into while you’re walking and then they could describe you as a bonzer sheila to the media, and more importantly you’re not going to have to move all the buttons on your jackets which frankly are showing a bit of strain. If you find this all too hard then I urge you to consider Spanx. Oprah swears by them, so just think–while your liver is being compacted to the size of a golf ball you’re channelling Oprah and she’s the most powerful woman in the world–after you.
Now Julia, your body language is great. You’re doing some lovely hand waving to get your points across, but there is the matter of your facial gestures. That look you had on your face when Laurie Oakes was questioning you about the deposition of Rudd said the following–shut the fuck up fatso–you might as well have tattooed it on your forehead. Now I know it’s hard when confronted by the fallout of your actions, but in the words of Lady Gaga–Pokerface. Work on it. Make Lady G your role model–it will make you look young and hip with Gen Y and you know how much you need their vote. Oh and no more kissing babies, that’s a cliche and you really look terribly uncomfortable. Kiss a teenager instead.
Oh and well done with proposing the climate change citizens assembly of ordinary people to advise on climate change. Silly me, I thought that’s what we had a parliament for, but not you. You consult. You really are a woman of the people. I wonder if that committee will reach the dizzying success of Kevin Rudd’s Idea’s Summitt. Wasn’t that a fun time for Kevin, getting to mix with the likes of Cate Blanchett and Hugh Jackman? It was like the Oscars right in the middle of Canberra. They might be two big name players for the assembly considering the qualifications they have in the field.
Well Julia I must go. I hope this advice has been of some assistance to you as you continue your campaigning this week. Remember this though–Nice and Easy do a nice little product called Root Touchup. You may need to carry some in your briefcase for emergencies like the one you had last week before you announced the election. I’m a little shocked that hairdresser Tim would let you out with your roots all showing like that.
Cheers
Kellie Image
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