I feel sorry for Sandra Bullock, really I do. What should have been a ripper of year for her has gone down the drain in a sea of tattoo ink and cheap sex. Instead of sitting by the fire basking in Oscar glow, she sitting all alone wondering just what stripper Michelle McGee had that she hasn’t.
Because that’s what we women do when our men stray. Have melt downs in a mess of insecurity and conjecture. Doesn’t matter if you’re an Oscar winner or June from Hawthorne.
But you know, Sandra had plenty of warning signs and really she shouldn’t be surprised how this whole relationship has turned out.
So as a portent to Sandra and any of you contemplating a relationship with a man who, quite frankly, might be beneath you, then work your way through this checklist before saying I do.
- Does he wear dungarees? Yes dungarees or bib and brace overalls. If he does then run, don’t walk away. He is either an extra from Deliverance or he emulates Uncle Jesse from The Dukes of Hazzard.
- Is he covered in ink?I don’t mean a little pissy anchor procured while drunk on the Gold Coast, I mean ink. As in ink all over the arms and legs and possibly the torso. The kicker is the EVIL LIVE tattoo across the knuckles. If there is a facial tattoo then have a serious think about your judgment. Do you want a man or a comic book?
- Is he named after an outlaw?If he is called Jesse James, Ned Kelly or Al Capone you may want to have a good think about who his lifelong role models have been. John Fitzgerald Kennedy good, Sundance Kid ridiculous.
- Has he ever dated or married a porn star?If so there is a serious problem. Porn stars equal STDs. I know I’m being judgmental here but porn star equals a whole can of worm best left for someone else to deal with, most likely other porn people. I think porn stars should only ever marry other porn stars or porn extras.
- Does he wear his baseball cap backwards? Yes? Then he is a dickhead. Only high school students may do this and that’s only because they are clueless. A grown man wearing a backward baseball cap is either a) emotionally retarded or b) balding. Is that what you want for yourself? Aren’t you worth more?
- Has he ever been involved with a bikie gang?Yes? What are you thinking? No, no, no. This can only end badly. And who wants to be a bikie moll?
So Sandra obviously didn’t work her way through my list did she? For Jesse James fails, fails and fails every single one of my criteria.
It was never going to end well.
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