Did you know that Lindsay Lohan is suing over the use of her name? Not her whole name mind, just the Lindsay bit because she’s gone all Oprah and Beyonce and thinks she owns the patent on her first name. I really like Lilo though–it’s much funnier than say Brangelina. Anyway Lindsay’s an idiot, but it got me thinking, what’s in a name?
Take my name for instance (Kellie in case you didn’t read the bit at the top). Not that unusual (though it was 40 years ago) and it’s the IE that causes all the grief, but not really because if it’s spelt with a Y I don’t care. I’ve been known to answer to Kerry, Sally and Karen. It’s not a case of low self esteem either, it’s just a matter of I can’t be bothered correcting you unless I am going to have any future relationship with you (or you work for the government) and I just can’t be half arsed setting you straight.
Unlike poor Shiloh Jolie-Pitt who has apparently resorted to calling herself John. Don’t think I’d be very impressed if I was named after a Neil Diamond song either. The girl shows a bit of taste for a four-year-old. And Suri Cruise, though different is not a totally weird name. I do feel for poor little Charlotte Prinze (daughter of Buffy and Freddy Prinze Jnr). Imagine being the only kid in playgroup with a totally normal name. She’ll stand out like dog’s balls among Sparrow, Apple and Pilot Inspektor. Since when did common nouns become proper nouns?
There was a big hoo-ha not so long ago when employers were vetting potential employees by their names. A US 2004 study showed that Emilys and Gregs were more likely to score a job interview than DeShawns and Lakishas, names seen to be typical of African Americans. African American parents are having to make the choice about honouring their cultural heritage or enhancing their children’s potential job prospects when naming their children.
Other nations also have culturally specific names. Read a Maeve Binchey or Marian Keyes novel and you are immediately assailed with Aoifes, Clodaghs and Declans. I went all Irish with my daughter naming her Caitlin, spelt in the traditional manner. It’s pisses me off that I am complimented for my creative spelling. I have a firm belief that creativity and the naming of children should be exclusive. Doesn’t matter anyway. She hates her name and only answers to Cait.
I have some experience with inventive spelling of names though. I’ve met some Colons, Shorns, Missteeks and Bows in my time. I’m sorry but their parents should be slapped around the head. These poor kids really have a huge battle on their hands if they want to be taken seriously in in the future.
Call me prejudiced but I would have a problem taking seriously someone who is named after an internal organ, what you do to a sheep, phonetic spelling or a homograph. When I need to see a solicitor I want him to be called Barry or Henry or even John. I do not want my doctor to be called Fifi. It just doesn’t inspire confidence.
So what names are going to be big this year. Well it depends on whether we’re inspired by TV or sport, the economy or history. According to the ToyRUs website if you’re inspired by the economy you’ll be calling you newest arrival Daphne. Isn’t that going to set her up for a lifetime of misery? Great aunty name, but I don’t think I’d be prepared to wait 60 years to grow into my name. Gray is also a choice. Yep, call your kid after a colour tint that conjures depression and misery.
Twilight is going to be a big influencer of baby names. I wonder if Stephanie Myers thought about that when she was writing her blockbusters. I don’t think she was thinking that far ahead because she wouldn’t have Edward driving a Volvo. So we’ll be getting lots of Bellas, Edwards, Emmets and Rosalees. Not too sure about Renesmee. That’s just stupid.
We Aussies are a pretty conservative bunch. Our top girl’s name in 2010 was Isabella with Jack for the boys. Over in the UK they went for Holly and Lucas and the USA liked Isabella and Aiden.
So to finish off I’d like to share some really ridiculous baby names, and surprise, surprise they’re all from Hollywood. My hope is that when these children grow up they put their parents in nursing homes and forget to visit them on Sundays.
- Audio Science (parent Shannyn Sossamon)
- Jermajesty (Jermain Jackson)
- Reignbeau (Ving Rhames)
- Zuma Nesta Rock (Gwen Stefani)
- Kal-El (Nicholas Cage)
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